What If We Already Lived Together Before Marriage?
July 24, 2008
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Posted by Ray Fowler
Living Together Before Marriage Series:
● Statistics on Living Together Before Marriage
● Scriptures on Living Together Before Marriage
● Living Together Without Sex
● What If We Already Lived Together Before Marriage?
“What if we already lived together before marriage?” This is a question I am sometimes asked when presenting the scriptural and statistical reasons for not living together before marriage. If the Bible says not to live together before marriage, and statistics demonstrate a high correlation of undesirable outcomes for those who do, what if you already lived together before marriage? Is it too late for you? Is there anything you can do? The answers are: “No, it is not too late,” and “Yes, there is something you can do.” God reveals himself in the Bible as a God of grace, and even when we fail, we can still trust God to help us.
First of all, as far as breaking God’s commands in this area, we must understand why God gives us his commands in the first place. God gives us his commands to protect us from harm and to lead us in the way that is right. So even God’s commands are an example of his love and grace to us. However, God’s greatest expression of love and grace was given at the cross. When we break God’s commands, we sin against God, but God offers us forgiveness through his Son, Jesus Christ. When Jesus died on the cross, he paid the penalty for our sin. When we confess our sin to God, putting our faith and trust in Christ, God forgives us and cleanses us. So if you lived together before marriage, the first thing you should do is simply confess your sin to God and put your trust in Jesus Christ who died for your sin.
Secondly, as far as the statistics go, people who have lived together before marriage often wonder, “Is there a way of avoiding the undesirable outcomes reported in the statistics?” There are three things we should try to grasp here.
- The consequences of sin: We should understand that even when God forgives us, we still often suffer the consequences for our sin. The repentant thief may still have to spend time behind bars. And the couple that lived together before marriage may struggle with certain issues in marriage as a result.
- The challenges of marriage: We should also understand that every marriage poses certain challenges. Obviously, we should try to bring as little baggage into a marriage as possible, but we are all sinners, and so we all bring the consequences of various choices into our marriages. And that brings us to the third point, which is:
- The power of prayer: I believe that any couple that puts Christ at the center of their marriage and asks God to help them can overcome the particular challenges they face in their marriage, whether those challenges arise from living together before marriage or from some other wrong choices they made along the way. It may not be easy, but God will help you if you ask him.
What if you already lived together before marriage? Confess your sin to God, put your trust in Christ, and ask God to help you. God is a God of grace who will pardon your past and help you in the present. He’s got a pretty good future waiting for you, too!
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Well, that concludes this series on living together before marriage. I hope you found the series helpful and encourage you to pass the posts on to others who may benefit from the material. As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome. If you haven’t done so already, click to subscribe by email or feed reader so that you don’t miss any future posts.
Link to all the posts in the series: Living Together Before Marriage Series
Categories: Marriage
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Everyone I know who lived together before marriage is together and all of us who married first are divorced. Why? Because the people who lived together purchased their home and other items and were set when they got married. We who did the wait until we get married faced so much financial stress that it brike up our mariages.
Lisa – Some people do rush into marriage before they are financially ready. But living together first is not the solution. The solution is to wait on marriage until you are ready.
I am sorry your marriage did not work out, and I am glad your friends are still together. But the statistics still show that 80 percent of couples who live together will break up either before the wedding or afterwards in divorce. Living together before marriage is not the wise thing to do statistically, nor is it the right thing to do scripturally.
What do you recommend if you are living together and not married, and the situation is complicated because you share a car and need to help each other with the children? But I am requiring we seek pre-marital and he buy me a ring before I marry him. What do we do in the meantime? If the answer is move out, then how do we explain it to the children?
Lisette – This is a very important question and a situation that many couples are dealing with. Rather than just give you a quick answer in the comments, I would like to spend some time writing an additional article on the topic for this series. I will try to post it next week on the blog and will post a link here in the comments when I do.
Update 10/23: – Sorry, I didn’t get to the post this week. I will try again next week.
I enjoyed your articles about living together before marriage, the Scriptures, and the stats, and the last one about those who have already lived together and gotten married. One very important thing that I see to be missing from that last article is: for a more complete healing between the two that have decided to get married is a mutual brokenness and apology (making amends) to each other. I believe it should begin with the man and go something like this: “Honey, I want you to know that I am really sorry for dishonoring you by reaching for and taking from you what was not lawfully mine. You weren’t my wife when I kissed you the way I did and touched you like I did and it was wrong. From God’s perspective you weren’t mine to have and to hold at that time because you weren’t my wife yet. I’ve come into agreement with God, I see that I dishonored you sinning against God. I am asking you, will you please forgive me?” –I believe and know that God does something beautiful in the spiritual realm and in the souls of those who make amends like this. My wife and I, with God’s help saved our kiss for the altar of Holy Matrimony, but have a similar but different scenario of making amends to each other concerning our past relationships. If you’re interested, let me know and I will share it. Sincerely and in His Mercies, Brian M. Richey
dear ray, I should have asked you and I am asking you now: did what I shared on the 26th of October make sense to you and do you agree? I believe it is also important for us to obey what God is saying in Holy Scripture (St. James 5:16) by praying for each other after we’ve confessed our sins and made amends, that we may be healed. What are your thoughts on this?
brian – Sorry I didn’t get back to responding sooner — I try not to do too much blogging over the weekend. I thought your comments were excellent. It is important to confess our sin to each other as well as to God, and I did not cover that in the original article. I like what you said, and I may go ahead and update the original article to include this important thought. Thanks for commenting and sharing your insights with us.
Thanks for responding and for the encouraging words.
My fiance and I are currently living together and are getting married in two months. We are Christians and are currently attending Calvary Chapel in Fort Lauderdale, FL. We met with one of the Pastors yesterday regarding our wedding and premarital counseling and he basically said that the church would not marry us because we are currently living together before Marriage. He started passing judgment on us based on this and it really hurt. I think we are trying to take the right steps in our relationship and growth as one with God. I don’t understand why things happened this way with our church. He asked us to move away from each other until the wedding and then he would be able to marry us, but it was a stretch for him to do so. Unfortunately, our finances do not allow us to do this since I was recently laid off from my job. He said if we are unable to move away from each other that we would have to go find another church to marry us. I find this very hard to comprehend. I am very confused and would like some help with this.
Jonathan – Thank you for your comment and question. And congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I wish you and your fiance all the best.
One of the most difficult parts for me about being a pastor are situations just like the one you have described. As a pastor you want to help people, and so you feel drawn to people’s needs, but at the same time you need to uphold certain standards. How can I preach with integrity about staying apart until you are married if I go ahead and marry every couple that comes to me that is living together? Or, how can I teach my own children the importance about waiting until marriage if they see me violating that standard with wedding after wedding?
Is there no way you could move out and live with a friend for a couple months until the wedding? Calvary Chapel is a large church. Perhaps the pastors could ask if there was someone willing to put you up for a couple months. It is worth a shot. But you have to be willing.
I had a young couple come to me just a few months ago wanting me to marry them. They also were living together. I counseled them to move apart, but they were not willing. They still wanted me to counsel and marry them, but they were not willing to follow the first counsel I gave them! My heart ached to tell them no, and I lost sleep over it, but I believe it was the right decision.
Jonathan, I know this has been hurtful to you, but trust me, pastors do not make these decisions lightly. Let me put this as gently as I can, but remember that you and your fiance by choosing to live together before marriage have put your pastor in an awkward position, not the other way around.
By the way, I used to live in Plantation, FL just outside of Fort Lauderdale, and I know Calvary Chapel well. I have always appreciated the pastors there, and I hope you won’t let this incident keep you from going back there to worship. Your pastors are just trying to help you make right choices that will help you down the road.
If you want to talk more about this, feel free to leave another comment, or you can always email me (see personal profile page above for address). God bless! Ray Fowler
Hi Ray,
Thank you for your articles, they are informative, Biblical and practical. I have a question about living together. My girlfriend and I are both divorced with 6 kids in total. we don’t have sex, yet live together. We plan to be married in 2 months. We have been told to split and live apart till then though. I don’t really see that the living under the same roof is sin, but do understand the point of leading others astray and we’d like to be blameless. Your point of mocking marriage is new and provoking also. There is some practicality issues of course, it’s not like just moving in with a friend, there is kids to take care of too. Any suggestions?
Also what about the idea of swapping this house? To live separately, if one parent has their kids here and the other person lives elsewhere (at a friends) then parent 2 lives in the house the next week with their kids while parent 1 leaves to a friends without kids. it would help if kid schedules lined up perfectly, but does this address the issue, or is it just cutting corners in God’s eyes?
Thanks, K
Kevin – Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I have been meaning to write something up on what to do when kids are involved and just haven’t gotten around to it. So, I will give a quick answer here.
Obviously it is best not to get into the situation of living together with kids to begin with. But once you do, what is the best solution? If it is wrong to live together, and it is wrong not to be there for your kids, what do you do? I think you begin by admitting that you have gotten yourself into a situation where there is no perfect answer, and then you work to find the best answer going forward. Working towards marriage is certainly a big part of the solution.
In the meantime, as far as the kids, I would talk to those who are old enough to understand, and explain to them what God says about marriage and living together. I would tell them that I messed up and this is not the way it’s supposed to be. I would tell them that I have asked God’s forgiveness and explain what I am doing to try and make things right. If the house swapping idea works, this may be a great way to show your kids by example how serious you are about seeking to obey God’s commands.
I wish you all the best and pray that God will show you and your fiancee what is the best road forward. I also would encourage you both to get pre-marital counseling if you haven’t already. Premarital counseling is always good, but it is even more important when you are dealing with blended families.
God bless,
Ray
Dear Ray,
Thanks for your ministry. This is an area that has been sadly lacking in ministry. My hsuband and I were converted 10 yrs after marriage and had lived together and have this issue to deal with. Not only us but five of our sons and our daughter have fallen into this lifestyle.
My husband who is a professed Christian feels it wasn’t wrong because “we were meant to be together”. I feel differently. Looking back I feel my choice was taken from me. We have had terrible times in our marriage and even now have issues. I have really struggled but trust in God always and realize divorce is not an option though we have had several separations in the past.
I rushed into this relationship at 18 yrs of age responding to my husbands advances towards me. Having lived an immoral life beforehand as had my husband we were at the mercy of our passions.
One must repent to God and each other for this sin. This is the first step towards building your life by Gods grace on Gods Word. God Bless you and please pray for me and my husband. It is only by Gods Amazing Grace!
Lisa – Thank you for sharing your story; I trust it will help others who come across this article. I commend you for working through the difficulties in your marriage. I do believe God’s grace is bigger than our sin, and there is always a way to move forward when our lives our centered on Him. God bless you and your husband, and all the best for the future!
Hey Ray,
I really enjoyed your “living together before marriage” series. I have been trying to find the scriptures that would guide me in my questions over this difficult subject. But, all it really is is the common sense God gave to us. It’s a lot like what you said,and what I have strongly believed for years, just because everyone else is doing it , doesn’t make it right. And remaining blameless before God is another thing that would be compromised if one entered into a noncommittal relationship and shared a living space with a member of the opposite sex. I never would have thought of it as mocking marriage, but that does make sooo much sense and is very true. After all, if you aren’t ready to get married, yet you think you’re ready to jump ahead of yourselves and live under the same roof, what’s stopping you from also violating the marriage bed. It’s very self centered and “flesh” centered. Doing what is easy is never an option. In fact God tells us to “suffer” for the cause, to suffer the way Jesus did. Jesus didn’t take the easy route, no sir. He stuck it out when no one else around him would agree with him – even the religious leaders of that time, the most well respected and honored of all- and they too were just as stunned at what Jesus had to say about God and the laws as anyone else who was within earshot. And you know what, they killed him over it. But because Jesus was the awesome son of God and remained BLAMELESS before God, he was raised again in just three days and returned to heaven, where we will one day see him again and celebrate with him over our victorious triumph over sin and death, if we will only trust and obey God’s wonderful Words of Life. It just proves that “doing what is right is never easy, but it’s always right.” Now I just have to convince my boyfriend of this…
Jessica – Thanks for sharing. You will never regret following God’s word. Stick to your convictions, and all the best!
Dear Ray,
I am living with my boyfriend of 6 years. We got together when I was pregnant with my first daugter (he is not her father) and began living together shortly after that. He treats her as if she were his own and she calls him Daddy. We also have a child together and I am concerned about the situation for many reasons. First of all, I know it is wrong to live with a someone you are not married to. But unfortunately he does not believe in God. He allows the children to go to church and a Christian school and actually really likes the school. He never tells the children that they are wrong for believing in God and will even come to church with us occasionally. My question is, what should I do? It is wrong to stay in our current situation, but is it right for me to leave him? I know the Bible says not to be unequally yoked. But I also feel that is would be terrible for my daughters to not have their father in the home. He wants to get married and has said that he will have no problem with me raising the children as Christians. Please let me know what you think.
Thank you!
Cindy – Thank you for sharing your situation. As I am sure you have already figured out, there is no perfect solution to your situation. It is wrong for you to continue living with your boyfriend, and it is wrong for you as a Christian to marry him as a non-believer. And it would be disruptive to the children to have him leave the home. But I feel that would be the best thing for you to do at this time.
You are in what seems to be an impossible situation, and yet nothing is impossible with God. However, God sometimes waits for us to make the hard choice of obedience before he does the impossible. So I would encourage you to take that step of faith and separate from your boyfriend. I know God can bless obedience, but we cannot ask him to bless our disobedience.
I hope this counsel is helpful to you, and I pray that God will show you the way as you seek to follow him.
First I have to say I agree with everything you teach, yes living together and fornication is wrong! However, what about people who are in situations where they can not find other options. I recently left a marriage that was very abusive to my children. My husband (a minister) was using prostitutes, and extrememly abusive to my children from my previous marriage. I left him with no money, and moved in with another man. I hate the fact that I am living with this other man, but I am currnetly back in college, working, but not making enough money to even pay rent, and have other children to take care of. I feel I am in a situation of sin, but have no family I can stay with and absolutely no where else to live. Even with the option of public asistance, isn’t that a sin as well? I also know that since I do work and bring in income, I probably coudln’t even get the help I would need to live alone. So although I do not feel right about living with my current partner, I really can not find other options other than marriage, and being divorced again really scars me. What do you feel God wants in my situation?
Jessica – I believe when we are willing to do things God’s way, God will always open the door for us. I would encourage you to talk with your pastor about your situation and see if the church can help in any way. I know they would also want to help you do the right thing.
Hi, I live in Malta, a country where divorce is not legal. No person can get a divorse. Couples who can no longer live with each other can only obtain a legal seperation from the courts. So Malta is full of couples who through a legal system cannot re-marry because though they are legaly seperated cannot re-marry. So that creates another problem. Stay single or cohabit with your partner which thousands do setteling down with a new partner and having children but cannot marry the one they love. Question, what would you say to such a couple who become christians under such conditions and having lived together for eight years and being pregnant before becoming a christian? This couple are now doing everything they can to obtain an annulment which can take a very long time in the least. And may not even be granted. What is your advice? I am a pastor.
Kenneth – Although the legal technicalities may vary from nation to nation, I still believe God’s Word is clear. A non-married couple should not be living together as husband and wife. I feel for the couple’s situation which you have described to me. Have they tried taking the step of faith and obedience by choosing not to live together as husband and wife? Perhaps God will honor that decision by revealing a better way for them. I pray God will give you his wisdom as you pastor them through this difficult situation.
Is anyone still following through with this particular post? My 21-year-old daughter is a Christian and was raised in the church, suffered through her father’s infidelity, our divorce, and his remarriage to the woman (pregnant by now) that he had the affair with. I am remarried to a difficult man, who tends to be verbally and emotionally abusive. My daughter has been dating a young man for 3 years who is not a Christian and was not raised in the church. He has told her that he will not get married without living with the person first. She agrees, citing what I’ve been through as her excuse. What do I do or say from here?
Angie – I am sorry to hear of your situation. Your daughter needs to look at what God’s word tells her is right and not base her decisions on human experience. Yes, there are bad marriages and marriages that fail, but that does not mean we should disobey God’s commands which are meant for our good. I pray that she will make the right decision and for the right reason, out of love for God who created her and sent his Son to die for her.
I grew up in the church, as did my boyfriend. When we met, neither of us was attending church regularly. After dating only 6 months, we moved in together to save money. The problem is-I was only 19 (him 22) then, and had no idea that over 3 years later we’d remain unmarried. We didn’t want to marry originally because I was in school, but when I finished he started back at school. Since then, I have moved across the country with him for him to go to school, bought a house, we never did start going to church (I do shiftwork, and he works opposite weekends) and despite having the money aside for a ring for 2 months, he has yet to propose! We have a tight budget, and couldn’t afford to live separate. I have felt increasing anxiety about this, but everytime I bring up marriage now, he says I’m nagging and that it only makes him want to wait longer. All of our family asks us when we’ll be married, and he was heckled to no end when I recently caught my friend’s bouquet at her wedding-but still no proposal. What can I do to right this situation?
Alexi – Sadly, your story is all too familiar. I know this is difficult to hear right now, but your boyfriend does not sound like he wants to marry you any time soon. Either way, you should not be living together before marriage. I would encourage you to move apart. I know it sounds impossible financially, but take that step of faith and ask God to help you. Go and talk with a pastor at a local church and see if they can help you get set up with a new living situation. Right now, more than anything, you need to put Christ at the center of your life, and seek God’s will first. I pray that God will help you with your situation.