What If We Already Lived Together Before Marriage?

Living Together Before Marriage Series:
    ● Statistics on Living Together Before Marriage
    ● Scriptures on Living Together Before Marriage
    ● Living Together Without Sex
    ● What If We Already Lived Together Before Marriage?

“What if we already lived together before marriage?” This is a question I am sometimes asked when presenting the scriptural and statistical reasons for not living together before marriage. If the Bible says not to live together before marriage, and statistics demonstrate a high correlation of undesirable outcomes for those who do, what if you already lived together before marriage? Is it too late for you? Is there anything you can do? The answers are: “No, it is not too late,” and “Yes, there is something you can do.” God reveals himself in the Bible as a God of grace, and even when we fail, we can still trust God to help us.

First of all, as far as breaking God’s commands in this area, we must understand why God gives us his commands in the first place. God gives us his commands to protect us from harm and to lead us in the way that is right. So even God’s commands are an example of his love and grace to us. However, God’s greatest expression of love and grace was given at the cross. When we break God’s commands, we sin against God, but God offers us forgiveness through his Son, Jesus Christ. When Jesus died on the cross, he paid the penalty for our sin. When we confess our sin to God, putting our faith and trust in Christ, God forgives us and cleanses us. So if you lived together before marriage, the first thing you should do is simply confess your sin to God and put your trust in Jesus Christ who died for your sin.

Secondly, as far as the statistics go, people who have lived together before marriage often wonder, “Is there a way of avoiding the undesirable outcomes reported in the statistics?” There are three things we should try to grasp here.

  1. The consequences of sin:  We should understand that even when God forgives us, we still often suffer the consequences for our sin. The repentant thief may still have to spend time behind bars. And the couple that lived together before marriage may struggle with certain issues in marriage as a result.
  2. The challenges of marriage:  We should also understand that every marriage poses certain challenges. Obviously, we should try to bring as little baggage into a marriage as possible, but we are all sinners, and so we all bring the consequences of various choices into our marriages. And that brings us to the third point, which is:
  3. The power of prayer:  I believe that any couple that puts Christ at the center of their marriage and asks God to help them can overcome the particular challenges they face in their marriage, whether those challenges arise from living together before marriage or from some other wrong choices they made along the way. It may not be easy, but God will help you if you ask him.

What if you already lived together before marriage? Confess your sin to God, put your trust in Christ, and ask God to help you. God is a God of grace who will pardon your past and help you in the present. He’s got a pretty good future waiting for you, too!

Well, that concludes this series on living together before marriage. I hope you found the series helpful and encourage you to pass the posts on to others who may benefit from the material. As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome. If you haven’t done so already, click to subscribe by email or feed reader so that you don’t miss any future posts.

Link to all the posts in the series:  Living Together Before Marriage Series


  1. Lisa says:

    Everyone I know who lived together before marriage is together and all of us who married first are divorced. Why? Because the people who lived together purchased their home and other items and were set when they got married. We who did the wait until we get married faced so much financial stress that it brike up our mariages.

  2. Ray Fowler says:

    Lisa – Some people do rush into marriage before they are financially ready. But living together first is not the solution. The solution is to wait on marriage until you are ready.

    I am sorry your marriage did not work out, and I am glad your friends are still together. But the statistics still show that 80 percent of couples who live together will break up either before the wedding or afterwards in divorce. Living together before marriage is not the wise thing to do statistically, nor is it the right thing to do scripturally.

  3. Lisette says:

    What do you recommend if you are living together and not married, and the situation is complicated because you share a car and need to help each other with the children? But I am requiring we seek pre-marital and he buy me a ring before I marry him. What do we do in the meantime? If the answer is move out, then how do we explain it to the children?

  4. Ray Fowler says:

    Lisette – This is a very important question and a situation that many couples are dealing with. Rather than just give you a quick answer in the comments, I would like to spend some time writing an additional article on the topic for this series. I will try to post it next week on the blog and will post a link here in the comments when I do.

    Update 10/23: – Sorry, I didn’t get to the post this week. I will try again next week.

  5. brian m.richey says:

    I enjoyed your articles about living together before marriage, the Scriptures, and the stats, and the last one about those who have already lived together and gotten married. One very important thing that I see to be missing from that last article is: for a more complete healing between the two that have decided to get married is a mutual brokenness and apology (making amends) to each other. I believe it should begin with the man and go something like this: “Honey, I want you to know that I am really sorry for dishonoring you by reaching for and taking from you what was not lawfully mine. You weren’t my wife when I kissed you the way I did and touched you like I did and it was wrong. From God’s perspective you weren’t mine to have and to hold at that time because you weren’t my wife yet. I’ve come into agreement with God, I see that I dishonored you sinning against God. I am asking you, will you please forgive me?” –I believe and know that God does something beautiful in the spiritual realm and in the souls of those who make amends like this. My wife and I, with God’s help saved our kiss for the altar of Holy Matrimony, but have a similar but different scenario of making amends to each other concerning our past relationships. If you’re interested, let me know and I will share it. Sincerely and in His Mercies, Brian M. Richey

  6. brian m.richey says:

    dear ray, I should have asked you and I am asking you now: did what I shared on the 26th of October make sense to you and do you agree? I believe it is also important for us to obey what God is saying in Holy Scripture (St. James 5:16) by praying for each other after we’ve confessed our sins and made amends, that we may be healed. What are your thoughts on this?

  7. Ray Fowler says:

    brian – Sorry I didn’t get back to responding sooner — I try not to do too much blogging over the weekend. I thought your comments were excellent. It is important to confess our sin to each other as well as to God, and I did not cover that in the original article. I like what you said, and I may go ahead and update the original article to include this important thought. Thanks for commenting and sharing your insights with us.

  8. brian m.richey says:

    Thanks for responding and for the encouraging words.

  9. Jonathan says:

    My fiance and I are currently living together and are getting married in two months. We are Christians and are currently attending Calvary Chapel in Fort Lauderdale, FL. We met with one of the Pastors yesterday regarding our wedding and premarital counseling and he basically said that the church would not marry us because we are currently living together before Marriage. He started passing judgment on us based on this and it really hurt. I think we are trying to take the right steps in our relationship and growth as one with God. I don’t understand why things happened this way with our church. He asked us to move away from each other until the wedding and then he would be able to marry us, but it was a stretch for him to do so. Unfortunately, our finances do not allow us to do this since I was recently laid off from my job. He said if we are unable to move away from each other that we would have to go find another church to marry us. I find this very hard to comprehend. I am very confused and would like some help with this.

  10. Ray Fowler says:

    Jonathan – Thank you for your comment and question. And congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I wish you and your fiance all the best.

    One of the most difficult parts for me about being a pastor are situations just like the one you have described. As a pastor you want to help people, and so you feel drawn to people’s needs, but at the same time you need to uphold certain standards. How can I preach with integrity about staying apart until you are married if I go ahead and marry every couple that comes to me that is living together? Or, how can I teach my own children the importance about waiting until marriage if they see me violating that standard with wedding after wedding?

    Is there no way you could move out and live with a friend for a couple months until the wedding? Calvary Chapel is a large church. Perhaps the pastors could ask if there was someone willing to put you up for a couple months. It is worth a shot. But you have to be willing.

    I had a young couple come to me just a few months ago wanting me to marry them. They also were living together. I counseled them to move apart, but they were not willing. They still wanted me to counsel and marry them, but they were not willing to follow the first counsel I gave them! My heart ached to tell them no, and I lost sleep over it, but I believe it was the right decision.

    Jonathan, I know this has been hurtful to you, but trust me, pastors do not make these decisions lightly. Let me put this as gently as I can, but remember that you and your fiance by choosing to live together before marriage have put your pastor in an awkward position, not the other way around.

    By the way, I used to live in Plantation, FL just outside of Fort Lauderdale, and I know Calvary Chapel well. I have always appreciated the pastors there, and I hope you won’t let this incident keep you from going back there to worship. Your pastors are just trying to help you make right choices that will help you down the road.

    If you want to talk more about this, feel free to leave another comment, or you can always email me (see personal profile page above for address). God bless! Ray Fowler

  11. Kevin says:

    Hi Ray,
    Thank you for your articles, they are informative, Biblical and practical. I have a question about living together. My girlfriend and I are both divorced with 6 kids in total. we don’t have sex, yet live together. We plan to be married in 2 months. We have been told to split and live apart till then though. I don’t really see that the living under the same roof is sin, but do understand the point of leading others astray and we’d like to be blameless. Your point of mocking marriage is new and provoking also. There is some practicality issues of course, it’s not like just moving in with a friend, there is kids to take care of too. Any suggestions?
    Also what about the idea of swapping this house? To live separately, if one parent has their kids here and the other person lives elsewhere (at a friends) then parent 2 lives in the house the next week with their kids while parent 1 leaves to a friends without kids. it would help if kid schedules lined up perfectly, but does this address the issue, or is it just cutting corners in God’s eyes?
    Thanks, K

  12. Ray Fowler says:

    Kevin – Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I have been meaning to write something up on what to do when kids are involved and just haven’t gotten around to it. So, I will give a quick answer here.

    Obviously it is best not to get into the situation of living together with kids to begin with. But once you do, what is the best solution? If it is wrong to live together, and it is wrong not to be there for your kids, what do you do? I think you begin by admitting that you have gotten yourself into a situation where there is no perfect answer, and then you work to find the best answer going forward. Working towards marriage is certainly a big part of the solution.

    In the meantime, as far as the kids, I would talk to those who are old enough to understand, and explain to them what God says about marriage and living together. I would tell them that I messed up and this is not the way it’s supposed to be. I would tell them that I have asked God’s forgiveness and explain what I am doing to try and make things right. If the house swapping idea works, this may be a great way to show your kids by example how serious you are about seeking to obey God’s commands.

    I wish you all the best and pray that God will show you and your fiancee what is the best road forward. I also would encourage you both to get pre-marital counseling if you haven’t already. Premarital counseling is always good, but it is even more important when you are dealing with blended families.

    God bless,

  13. Lisa says:

    Dear Ray,
    Thanks for your ministry. This is an area that has been sadly lacking in ministry. My hsuband and I were converted 10 yrs after marriage and had lived together and have this issue to deal with. Not only us but five of our sons and our daughter have fallen into this lifestyle.
    My husband who is a professed Christian feels it wasn’t wrong because “we were meant to be together”. I feel differently. Looking back I feel my choice was taken from me. We have had terrible times in our marriage and even now have issues. I have really struggled but trust in God always and realize divorce is not an option though we have had several separations in the past.
    I rushed into this relationship at 18 yrs of age responding to my husbands advances towards me. Having lived an immoral life beforehand as had my husband we were at the mercy of our passions.

    One must repent to God and each other for this sin. This is the first step towards building your life by Gods grace on Gods Word. God Bless you and please pray for me and my husband. It is only by Gods Amazing Grace!

  14. Ray Fowler says:

    Lisa – Thank you for sharing your story; I trust it will help others who come across this article. I commend you for working through the difficulties in your marriage. I do believe God’s grace is bigger than our sin, and there is always a way to move forward when our lives our centered on Him. God bless you and your husband, and all the best for the future!

  15. Jessica says:

    Hey Ray,

    I really enjoyed your “living together before marriage” series. I have been trying to find the scriptures that would guide me in my questions over this difficult subject. But, all it really is is the common sense God gave to us. It’s a lot like what you said,and what I have strongly believed for years, just because everyone else is doing it , doesn’t make it right. And remaining blameless before God is another thing that would be compromised if one entered into a noncommittal relationship and shared a living space with a member of the opposite sex. I never would have thought of it as mocking marriage, but that does make sooo much sense and is very true. After all, if you aren’t ready to get married, yet you think you’re ready to jump ahead of yourselves and live under the same roof, what’s stopping you from also violating the marriage bed. It’s very self centered and “flesh” centered. Doing what is easy is never an option. In fact God tells us to “suffer” for the cause, to suffer the way Jesus did. Jesus didn’t take the easy route, no sir. He stuck it out when no one else around him would agree with him – even the religious leaders of that time, the most well respected and honored of all- and they too were just as stunned at what Jesus had to say about God and the laws as anyone else who was within earshot. And you know what, they killed him over it. But because Jesus was the awesome son of God and remained BLAMELESS before God, he was raised again in just three days and returned to heaven, where we will one day see him again and celebrate with him over our victorious triumph over sin and death, if we will only trust and obey God’s wonderful Words of Life. It just proves that “doing what is right is never easy, but it’s always right.” Now I just have to convince my boyfriend of this…

  16. Ray Fowler says:

    Jessica – Thanks for sharing. You will never regret following God’s word. Stick to your convictions, and all the best!

  17. Cindy says:

    Dear Ray,

    I am living with my boyfriend of 6 years. We got together when I was pregnant with my first daugter (he is not her father) and began living together shortly after that. He treats her as if she were his own and she calls him Daddy. We also have a child together and I am concerned about the situation for many reasons. First of all, I know it is wrong to live with a someone you are not married to. But unfortunately he does not believe in God. He allows the children to go to church and a Christian school and actually really likes the school. He never tells the children that they are wrong for believing in God and will even come to church with us occasionally. My question is, what should I do? It is wrong to stay in our current situation, but is it right for me to leave him? I know the Bible says not to be unequally yoked. But I also feel that is would be terrible for my daughters to not have their father in the home. He wants to get married and has said that he will have no problem with me raising the children as Christians. Please let me know what you think.

    Thank you!

  18. Ray Fowler says:

    Cindy – Thank you for sharing your situation. As I am sure you have already figured out, there is no perfect solution to your situation. It is wrong for you to continue living with your boyfriend, and it is wrong for you as a Christian to marry him as a non-believer. And it would be disruptive to the children to have him leave the home. But I feel that would be the best thing for you to do at this time.

    You are in what seems to be an impossible situation, and yet nothing is impossible with God. However, God sometimes waits for us to make the hard choice of obedience before he does the impossible. So I would encourage you to take that step of faith and separate from your boyfriend. I know God can bless obedience, but we cannot ask him to bless our disobedience.

    I hope this counsel is helpful to you, and I pray that God will show you the way as you seek to follow him.

  19. Jessica says:

    First I have to say I agree with everything you teach, yes living together and fornication is wrong! However, what about people who are in situations where they can not find other options. I recently left a marriage that was very abusive to my children. My husband (a minister) was using prostitutes, and extrememly abusive to my children from my previous marriage. I left him with no money, and moved in with another man. I hate the fact that I am living with this other man, but I am currnetly back in college, working, but not making enough money to even pay rent, and have other children to take care of. I feel I am in a situation of sin, but have no family I can stay with and absolutely no where else to live. Even with the option of public asistance, isn’t that a sin as well? I also know that since I do work and bring in income, I probably coudln’t even get the help I would need to live alone. So although I do not feel right about living with my current partner, I really can not find other options other than marriage, and being divorced again really scars me. What do you feel God wants in my situation?

  20. Ray Fowler says:

    Jessica – I believe when we are willing to do things God’s way, God will always open the door for us. I would encourage you to talk with your pastor about your situation and see if the church can help in any way. I know they would also want to help you do the right thing.

  21. Kenneth James Briggs says:

    Hi, I live in Malta, a country where divorce is not legal. No person can get a divorse. Couples who can no longer live with each other can only obtain a legal seperation from the courts. So Malta is full of couples who through a legal system cannot re-marry because though they are legaly seperated cannot re-marry. So that creates another problem. Stay single or cohabit with your partner which thousands do setteling down with a new partner and having children but cannot marry the one they love. Question, what would you say to such a couple who become christians under such conditions and having lived together for eight years and being pregnant before becoming a christian? This couple are now doing everything they can to obtain an annulment which can take a very long time in the least. And may not even be granted. What is your advice? I am a pastor.

  22. Ray Fowler says:

    Kenneth – Although the legal technicalities may vary from nation to nation, I still believe God’s Word is clear. A non-married couple should not be living together as husband and wife. I feel for the couple’s situation which you have described to me. Have they tried taking the step of faith and obedience by choosing not to live together as husband and wife? Perhaps God will honor that decision by revealing a better way for them. I pray God will give you his wisdom as you pastor them through this difficult situation.

  23. Angie B. Cawley says:

    Is anyone still following through with this particular post? My 21-year-old daughter is a Christian and was raised in the church, suffered through her father’s infidelity, our divorce, and his remarriage to the woman (pregnant by now) that he had the affair with. I am remarried to a difficult man, who tends to be verbally and emotionally abusive. My daughter has been dating a young man for 3 years who is not a Christian and was not raised in the church. He has told her that he will not get married without living with the person first. She agrees, citing what I’ve been through as her excuse. What do I do or say from here?

  24. Ray Fowler says:

    Angie – I am sorry to hear of your situation. Your daughter needs to look at what God’s word tells her is right and not base her decisions on human experience. Yes, there are bad marriages and marriages that fail, but that does not mean we should disobey God’s commands which are meant for our good. I pray that she will make the right decision and for the right reason, out of love for God who created her and sent his Son to die for her.

  25. Alexi says:

    I grew up in the church, as did my boyfriend. When we met, neither of us was attending church regularly. After dating only 6 months, we moved in together to save money. The problem is-I was only 19 (him 22) then, and had no idea that over 3 years later we’d remain unmarried. We didn’t want to marry originally because I was in school, but when I finished he started back at school. Since then, I have moved across the country with him for him to go to school, bought a house, we never did start going to church (I do shiftwork, and he works opposite weekends) and despite having the money aside for a ring for 2 months, he has yet to propose! We have a tight budget, and couldn’t afford to live separate. I have felt increasing anxiety about this, but everytime I bring up marriage now, he says I’m nagging and that it only makes him want to wait longer. All of our family asks us when we’ll be married, and he was heckled to no end when I recently caught my friend’s bouquet at her wedding-but still no proposal. What can I do to right this situation?

  26. Ray Fowler says:

    Alexi – Sadly, your story is all too familiar. I know this is difficult to hear right now, but your boyfriend does not sound like he wants to marry you any time soon. Either way, you should not be living together before marriage. I would encourage you to move apart. I know it sounds impossible financially, but take that step of faith and ask God to help you. Go and talk with a pastor at a local church and see if they can help you get set up with a new living situation. Right now, more than anything, you need to put Christ at the center of your life, and seek God’s will first. I pray that God will help you with your situation.

  27. Mishy says:

    Ok, So I was looking on here to find biblical references regarding living together before marriage to share with my kids. I have to say, how judgemental I find this to be, and how skewed your thought seems to be. The Christ that I serve began a new covenent with his death and ressurection. We are not Jews and are not held to jewish law. Your statements about “it being a sin” are not biblically backed. They are based on the old covenent not the new. I was really hoping to find some good biblical references that I could share with my children that come from the new testament and were not either taken out of context or skewed to one mans definitions. I did not find that here. “All things are lawful to me, all things are not expedient for me” is the best I could find. Sad that there arent many pastors out there that are confident enough in their ministries to just tell the truth. What harm can come from only using God’s word and HIS definitions? Why arent there more ministers out there that understand and stand fast in their determination to let God’s word stand for itself? You never addressed the fact that Jesus and his enterouge (which included several women) co-habitated on the many journeys of his ministry here. Neither did you address that ALL our sin is forgiven…the past, the present and the future: when we accept Christ’s sacrifice and the reasons we needed it in the 1st place. I am disappointed because I am trying to raise completely biblical children and I keep running into the walls of appearances being 1st priority and false doctrines that allow the churches of this world to hold the stance of better than, or “you’re not educated enough to understand” or some other form of judgement against the people they are shepherding. My God is not a respector of persons in any way, shape or form. ALL of us are sinners in need of His grace, ALL of us will continually fall short of His will for us BUT…He loved ALL of us enough to sacrifice his Son so he can have a relationship with us. “…by faith, not of works lest any man should boast”.It’s not about what we do or dont do….its about Who we serve and accept as Lord. Period.

  28. Ray Fowler says:

    Mishy – I am sorry you feel offended by this series of posts, but I believe the Scriptures are quite clear on this. I have tried to share what the Bible says as much as possible rather than just share my own opinions.

    P.S. If you re-read the post above, you will notice that I do speak about forgiveness in Christ. We are all sinners in need of Christ’s forgiveness.

  29. Alex says:

    I’ve been reading the above referenced threads and was wondering can you provide any New Testament references with regard to living together?

  30. Ray Fowler says:

    Alex – I would point you to the second post in this series titled: Scriptures on Living Together Before Marriage

  31. Sunny Avery says:

    Dear Mr. Fowler, I stumbled across this article while researching your name and I’m a very confused believer; my Fiance, Brian & I have been living together for 10 years now.
    we very much want to marry, but cannot financially. Here’s why: I’m on SSI and Medicaid and have had 2 heart attacks and one mini-stroke, as well as 4 mental illness diagnoses from my extensive abusive history; Brian is employed but if we marry, SSI will take 1/2 of my check & I will lose ALL of my medical coverage. Brian’s medical from work will not cover all my medications and medical care too, it’s just not enough. Secondly, how did Isaac & Rebekah marry? Did they have a public wedding ceremony? As I understand it, Isaac simply took Rebekah into Sarah’s tent and he “took Rebekah and she became his wife(Genesis 24:67). I can find nowhere in the Bible where public wedding ceremonies were held, or how, except for the story of the 10 virgins and that was not at all clear about the mariage ceremony. Where the Bible does mention marriage, like Solomon’s, or David’s, it tells nothing about a marriage ceremony at all. Can you assist me in finding further information as to HOW a marriage ceremony was conducted?? I would be so very grateful!!
    Thank you for words of Wisdom and your knowledge that I’ve read here!!
    Sincerely, Sunny

  32. Ray Fowler says:

    Sunny – Thank you for sharing. You have a very difficult situation. I don’t know the solution, but I know God does, and I also know he does not want you to live together unmarried. Perhaps you won’t find the solution until you take that step of faith of either marrying or moving apart, and then trusting God to supply the answers.

    As far as Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 24), there is no question that they were married and not just living together. Abraham’s servant paid the wedding dowry to her family as was customary in that day. Rebekah agreed and her family released her to go back to be Isaac’s wife.

    Wedding traditions vary from culture to culture, but a marriage is always based on a public vow of lifetime faithfulness witnessed and confirmed by the community. It is more than just romance or a living arrangement. It is a legal relationship recognized by the community that provides stability to society and protection for spouse and children.

    I hope that helps, and I pray you and your fiance will find God’s solution for your situation.

  33. Kylie says:

    Thank you for posting this article. It was exactly what I was looking for tonight. I have a very similar situation to those who posted above. I was a member of the mormon church for 18 years of my life. I began to date my fiancee who was a Christian. We had many serious late night talks about religion. I began to question my own beliefs and left the mormon church. This also meant leaving behind my parents and three younger siblings as well as many friends who no longer respected me. I have attended other churches since I became a Christian and fully believe in Christ and his sacrifice. However, although my fiancee and I knew it was wrong moved in together for the past two years for financial reasons. When I left the mormon church I was on my own and had to grow up and learn how to financially as well as emotionally support myself at a young age. Money has been tight since then and we thought this would help take some of that burden off my shoulders. We have talked about the fact that living together is wrong several times but never found a way to solve the problem. He proposed last June and we thought if we got married that would solve the problem but now we are four months from getting married and we would both like to repent of this sin we have been committing and move into our marriage with God on our side. This is extremely important to both of us considering we do not always have the support from my family that would be desired. We have made the choice to move apart until the wedding. My fiancee and I have prayed for two weeks straight that something will work out and I can find a place to stay for the remainder of the time. We live in a College town so mid semester is not the best time to find somewhere to live. I am attending school which is very expensive and I only have time for a part time job.I have become frustrated because we are trying to do the right thing but I cannot find a place to stay that I can afford and that I feel would be an uplifting environment for me to grow in. I am also having a hard time forgiving myself for getting into this situation and knowing God really will forgive me. If you have any ideas let me know. Thank you for you words.

  34. Ray Fowler says:

    Kylie – Thank you for sharing about your situation. I commend you and your fiance for making the difficult decision to move apart until the wedding. I guarantee you will not regret it. It will also be a powerful testimony to your family, friends and any future children you may have. I would encourage you to talk to your church and see if they can help you find a place to stay until you get married. Perhaps a church family will take you in as a ministry to you and your fiance and to help you as you prepare for a lifetime of living together as husband and wife.

  35. CJ says:

    I enjoyed your post. I agree with what you said here. What I don’t agree with are some of the comments made below your post. I think all in all people remain confused. That “once saved, always saved” doctrine is crippling God’s people. I wish more pastors would preach repentance. That is how you are saved. Through repentance. You can accept and believe in Christ all you want to, but if you don’t repent of your sins, you are going to hell. Period. Satan and his angels believe in Christ as well, and they tremble. Someone mentions that God forgives our past, present, and future sins. Not if you don’t repent of them. Do you know what repentance is? It means to go and sin no more. Ask for forgiveness, then DON’T DO IT AGAIN!! The state in which you die, is how you spend eternity. If you repent, God doesn’t remember your sins anymore. If you sin again, God doesn’t remember the good things you did anymore. It’s simple. The person who puts his hand to the plow and then turns back is unfit to enter the kingdom of heaven. It would’ve been better that he had never known God. Sorry to get so long-winded, but I hope someone reads this and understands. It’s time of for religious doctrines and time in for real relationships with Jesus. God will not be mocked! God Bless you.

  36. Judy says:

    I’m a christian I have been married and I have a son. He was abusive and I left him and we are now divorced.

    I have met someone else and we have slept together he believes the basics about christianity but not much else. I want to start again without sex and doing it the way God wants. He is struggling with that but is willing to try.
    Because I have a son my partner really wants to live together before we get married so we can all adjust to living together expecially for my sons benefit.
    I understand what he is saying it makes sense but I know it wouldnt be right in Gods eyes.
    How do we move forward? and is it possible to change the mistakes you have already made?

  37. Avichayil says:


    Allow me to introduce myself.I am a Messianic Jew and devout bible student.Before we begin let us define what SIN is biblicaly speaking.In 1 John 3:4 “Sin is Breaking YHVH’s Law”.Now does it state which “Law” ie Ceremonial,Moral,Ect?Answer,No.It says YHVH’s Laws period.So one MUST refer to the ORIGINAL LAWS ie The Old Testament.Let us remember that in 1st century Judea the “Brit Chadashah”(Renewed Covenanat)Or New Testament was not written.Let us refer to what Yeshua(Jesus real Hebrew Name) called “Scripture”.He said in Matthew 5:17-18 that the Torah(Law) and the Ketuphim(Prophets) were Scripture and untill heaven and earth cease to exhist that NOTHING shall be changed from the Law or Prophets.In the Torah(Law) we are specificly PROHIBITED from Adding too or removing any commandment from the Law of YHVH(Deut.4:2,Deut.12:32)In Daniel chapter 7 we read that the spirit of Anti Messiah will think to change the LAW of YHVH and His Times.We in Judaism are taught that if any Prophet or Teacher of Scripture attempts to add too or takes away from YHVH’s Commandments is a False Prophet and should be stoned(Deut.13 is dedicated to this issue)

    I will say that this posting has lacked the base fundamental doctrine of the protestant view of SOL SCRIPTURA(Scripture only) and has been bequethed with the “Traditional View”.This is my issue with this posting.For you to call something “SIN” there must be a CLEAR prohabition in the Bible against the subject matter you are dealing with.I will say I have searched the Scripture and have for myself not found ANY Clear Prohabition against living in the same house prior to marriage but rather on the contrary.Haddasah(Esther a Matrain Saint/Book of Esther) lived in King Ahasuerus’s Palace(House) and had MANY private mettings with him over a 6 month time.In fact there is an entire Jewish Festival of Purim That is Dedicated to this Saintly Woman of Jewish History.She Lived under the same roof of her beloved before marriage while abstaining from fornication.

    The problem with a “Traditional View” is that it is “Traditional” And not Commandment driven.This is the same issue Yeshua delt with with the Scribes and Pharisees in his day.They held their “Traditional Views” Higher than the Commandments of YHVH.And we see in Matthew 23 Yeshua SERIOUSLY rebuked them for such practices going as far as calling them such names as”Hypocrites””Brood of vipers”Sons of Lucifer”And “White washed tombs filled with dead mens bones”.So Yeshua had much contempt for “Traditional Views” being taken over the Commandments of YHVH.

    My question is how can you point a finger of judgment and call something “Sin” when there is NO clear Prohabition there of when in all reality do you Keep and Honor the Sabbath YHVH Declaired as the Sabbath in Creation and in Exodus 20 or how about the feast of YHVH in Lev 23 which again deals with the weekly Sabbath.When YHVH repeats himself we should Harken and Listen as obediant Children.Do you abstain from unclean foods as mentioned in Lev 11?Do you wear Tassles on the 4 corners of your garments as a reminder to keep the Commandments of YHVH your G-d as commanded in Numbers 15:38? These my Brother are Clear Commandments and not obeying is as 1 John 3:4 declairs is SIN.

    I have seen you in this thread uphold a detramental “Traditional view” that has in no doubt crushed people with your approval of rejection of Marital blessing from a Pastor, Evangelist, or Rabbi due to this issue and has not built up believers but rather crushed them.I speak from Expreiance of living with my Betrothed prior to marriage while remaining abstanant untill marriage and it can be done.Let me remind you that Paul himself said I can do ALL things through Messiah that gives me strength Phil.4:13.The problem is you place such Emphasis on “Appearance” and disregard the simple fact that every matter of Judgment MUST be established on the testimony of 2-3 witnesses and with out those witnesses your “Judgment” is unrighteous and falls on the face of Hypocricy.My question is simple.”Appearance” as a socialigical term changes with in the culture.Who are you to judge what is evil and what is good when you yourself if you forsake the few examples I gave above and while yet judge others of “SIN” when you yourself live daily in it when you do not wear the garments YHVH commanded and eat the Meats YHVH declaired as abominations as well as have your pagan sunday over the biblical sabbath?I will refer you to Hebrews 10:26-28.

    Your “Traditional views” flies in the face of Disrespect of YHVH.Yet you Unrighteously Judge based upon scocialogical polls rather than the individual.In the Old Testament did YHVH judge Israel on a scocialogical poll or on them individually and corpotately?The 4th of the Ten Commandments is clear individuals shall be judged not based on polls or riff raff but rather on the individual.No 2 scenarios are alike just because one does this does not mean the other will fall suit.I will leave you to these things to ponder on and welcome any who care to eat from a tree that is truly about Scripture Only and not the “Traditional View” that our Messiah Yeshua Detested.Shalom and blessings In Yeshua’s Mighty name Selah!and HalleluYAH!

  38. jackson says:


    are you not saying all of the above because you stayed with your girlfriend before marriage. please abstain from deviating the children of God. i stay with my girlfriend and we’re not married and strongly believe that is wrong and we’re going to fix that by separating. it is difficult to stay with a woman and lie to yourself that you’ll abstain,the solution is simple repent, stop immediately and prepare yourself for marriage.

  39. D.J. says:

    Thank you for your series.I’m 37 and have been living w/my girlfreind for 8 years.At first we both shared the veiw marriage was simply a peice of paper,who needed it if you loved someone.About halfway into our relationship we started having problems…money,trust,anger types of things.I proposed but was turned down,but we stayed together.last year we returned to church(I grew up catholic her baptist).Our marital situation bothered me so I proposed again(guess I was looking for an easy way out),it wasn’t gonna happen.I turned to a deciple and so did she.We were told our relationship was built on bad foundation and destined to fail.We both are studying Gods word and bettering ourselves,we are recieving couple’s counsling,and gaining advice through our churches body.
    We were both told we needed to seperate.She lost her job three yrs ago,Im the sole breadwinner,all or bills are paid but there is little left at the end of the week(we have no debt except the house),we have two kids 8 and 5.
    last week my asst. paster found me a place to stay,for free,with one of the churches members.I’m allitle nervous for I’m esencialy homeless and paying all the bills and fixing a house ect. w/o the benifits of the fruits of my labor.But I’m confident things will work out because its Gods will.I’m sure the kids will ask questions,but were prepared for that too.
    I guess I’m writting this to show it can be done.It sucks out loud but gaining Gods approval is never easy and sometimes requiers great sacrifice.
    If anyone is interested I’ll update this post from time to time to show how its going.Thank you to all those who have prayed for my family.

  40. Mary says:

    I have been living with my boyfriend for 12 years. We both have 2 children, a nine year and 3 year old. He is the bread winner of the family. He was married before, he told me he signed his divorce papers but I have not seen any proof of it. I feel so lost. We are Christians attending Baptist church.I grew up as a catholic and 2 years ago I was introduced to the teaching of Gods word, and accepted Jesus as savior. Please give me some advice.

  41. James says:

    I have grown up in the church and have known Jesus my whole life. Throughout my journey, I’ve been through times when I’ve been hot and on fire for God, and at other times when I’ve been backsliden and apathetic, living life on my own terms and ignoring God. It was while I was like this I met my fiance, after some time we moved into a room together in a share house. Our plan was to move out into our own place and start a life together. To cut the long story short, through prayer and extraordingary circumstances, she became a Christian and I renewed my commitment to Jesus. I felt a new and exciting opportunity to do the right thing before God. We became engaged and decided to change our plans and not move in together until we are married. I know this is the right decision. I chose a place where I could live and my brother is moving in too. Now she has changed her mind and wishes that we’d decided to just move in together. This is because she is currently living with her parents and is tired of it. Plus she’d been building her dreams on the notion that we’d be living together and building a home this year. I understand what she’s saying and how she feels, but I can see that it is coming from a place of misunderstanding. Its devastating. To add to it, she has been complaining about the place I chose to live in and has been expressing regret and lamenting quite regularly our decision to not move in. I don’t know how to help her to understand that we’ve made the right decision, other than to pray for her. I suppose this is a perfect example of reaping what we’ve been sowing from committing fornication and making a mockery of marriage in the past.

  42. Matthew says:

    Thank you Ray for shedding some light on this issue. I have been struggling with this for the past few months-even more so in the past few days.
    My girlfriend and I are trying to grow our relationship into a Christ-centered one, but unfortunately I did not understand enough about living out God’s will. The two of us moved out of state together and decided it was okay to move in together. At first we lived together in sexual sin, but as our relationship has grown we have chosen abstinence. I pray our misunderstandings and wrong choices will not hurt us in the long run.

  43. Cory says:

    my fiance is pregnant we do live together her mother wants her to move 3 hours away from me knowing that i wont be able to come and be by her side during the pregnancy i have recently given my life to god i know us living together is not what god would want from us but her parents says that i have to sacrifice and allow her to move away from me before marriage but only under their terms not god’s im feeling really torn i want to be able to be there for my future wife and our baby i know living together is not right but i also feel that if she moves it’s going to destroy our relationship we have made the commitment not to have sex until our wedding in march as hard as that is i know that’s what god has asked of me…. i have a bad past but i feel like god has lifted me of all that i have done in my past which is why her parents do not like me and they as “christians” say that im not the one for her but i know deep down that she is the one for me and she feels that way how can you be a christian and talk bad about someone else especially someone who is trying to do the right thing. just not the right thing for them ( the parents)

  44. D.J. says:

    you say you’re obeying God by abstaining from sex,so why not obey by seperating?God does not put signifficance on his Word.

  45. Cory says:

    im ok with seperating but also realize she is having my child and as a father i have obligations to be there how can i do that with her 3 hours away not like i can go and get her if she needs me in the middle of the night. its not as easy as it sounds and i know trust me i know that before we get married we need to do the right thing but i dont feel her moving 3 hours is the right thing i might can stay with my parents while she lives in our apartment

  46. Cory says:

    and a side note.. her parents claim to be christian’s but yet they tell her im no good and that im going to be a horrible father they say god wants her there with them so tell me what you would do if that were happening too you?

  47. derek says:

    He is my story you can make all judgements you want after. My fiance was hit by her dad of before that she had disfunctional home. She had three options one stay with her parents two live with me or live in a care home. Of course she choose to live with me. First two were bad one she would be banned from seeing cause she failed her class. Plus shee was before that moving to Texas before that in three years. Before in to duplex in sacramento city. Which harder to see each other. before she moved out we prayed to give courage to leave. Now we live together. We have our fights now then like most couples do but most the time we get along plus I love her and she loves me. Anyway that’s my story.

  48. derek says:

    Yes am still a Christian so is she. But my dad now refuses to see me. Or have a relationship with me. Denied me my Christimas present. Is how real christian dad is supposed to act. Pastor ray would do to your adult children. To be honest am not mad at God as am at my dad.

  49. matongo says:

    I think people of the oposite sex should not live together if they have to avoid temptation of having sexual relationships or rather sexualintercourse.

  50. matongo says:

    I hapen to believe that real christianity is about learning from one’s misdeeds and realise that the solution to the problem at hand lies in the weakest point of our being.If one sees that the situation needs urgent remedy,as that of living together before marriage,one’s pastor should be consulted as this will enable one to have spiritual guidence.Above all both individuals wishing to live together before marriage be rooted in prayer, confess their human failures to God and by so doing one will be able to see parents actions in a very different actions without condeming anyone.from zambia.

  51. Fanchon says:

    What most do not seem to make note of, is not whether or not couples lived together before marriage, but whether in either case, they learned the necessary skills necessary to make ANY type of relationship work.
    The fact of living together without the solidifying bond of marriage is not what makes or breaks… it’s what couples practice in their relationships that allow them to be successful. Divorce is a lot more difficult to do than “breaking up”, what with the financial and legal repercussions. It may keep couples together longer. But there have been unhappily married men and women, and happily married out of wedlock couples. That’s not really the issue here.
    The issue here is a matter of what is right Scriptually, and how to promote the right behaviours in ALL couples so that they remain together according to what God wants.

  52. vera says:

    Hello , im here to ask some advice, im living with boyfrien and i have a child that is not his, but my child does call him papa, he is beliver we both belive, but he said that we not ready to get married , i still have a house im may name with my ex, plus dont have a job that pays that much, and we both cultures diferents, we have our ups an downs, but the beging of your relatiochip was a lot issues, and at first he want to married and now he change his mind, i just dont know for how long i can stay with him in same house, because knowing that is a sin, i dont know anymore what to do, iand right now dont really have a place to go, because my ex is living in the house with his girlfriend and going there is not a solution either what shoul i do ??

  53. Jane says:

    Hello Vera,

    I don’t know how much your situation has changed over the last 3 months -I’ve only just seen this really good bible-based blog until recently.

    I am sorry to hear your situation but happy that you want to do the right thing. God be praised!

    I haven’t been in your situation however the important thing is that you’ve acknowledged your sin. (See other posts Ray has written related to this, incl Ray’s comments above). If not already done seek forgiveness for yourself from God, your boyfriend, child & others who you’ve hurt along the way ( ie. parents, friends etc). You are a believer which is good. Now, you have a good support network. Keep studying the Word & praying -always!

    You can approach your Pastor for pre-marital advice & they will be more than happy to help and support you.

    Ask someone at your church/relative if they have a room that you & your child can rent until you get a job etc. decisions like this are never easy but not impossible. With God, all things are possible.
    (Matt 18:26, 10:27; 18:27)

    Stay faithful.

  54. Jane says:

    By the way, those of you who think its ok to cohabit, I don’t know how you can do it without fornicating.

    Plus, until you are married as someone once put it, you are sleeping with someone else’s wife (@man)/ husband(@woman).

  55. Dana says:

    Can you direct me to an article about living together before marriage not having sex (anymore) but you have kids together?

  56. Mariam says:

    I really repent for my sins…n have to tell my boyfriend about this. We never lived together but had sex many times. He is in UK n I am in India. We did court marriage n I want to b wit him. He accepted Christ but yet to be water baptized.
    I can’t stay away from him. I miss him a lot.
    What to do pls help me out!!!!

  57. Paula says:

    I welcome any words of wisdom for this new grandma. My son and his grilfriend moved in together after learning they were becoming parents. (Her parents encouraged this.) I routed my son to christian counseling but despite that he chose to be a “present parent in his child’s life”. I had expressed my desire to want to meet her parents when they chose to live together but that was declined.I have now met/seen the family while in the hospital awaiting the news of a safe C-section delivery. (awkward) Sometimes I feel as if they are just hoping my son will just disappear in time from this picture. My son has no intentions of do just that. My son and I have had many conversations about his faith, consequences, living together, counseling, etc.He is quickly learning the enormous responsibilities he has taken on outside of God’s given order and will for his life. Her family (parents, sister, aunt) sort of moved into the hospital during their entire stay leaving only to sleep. Physical love is not shown but they lavish the gifts. My son says she has a melt down if she cannot stay in communication with her mother and sister…needless to say how influencal they are in her life and in this relationship. This is a very complicated situation. One I have had to constantly lay in the hand of my Lord. I so want to celabrate the life of my grandson as James17 says…all good and perfect thing are from above…but i dont want my son’s girlfriend and her family to think it is acceptable to continue to live in sin. A conversation with the girlfriend i do know she does not have a personal relationship with Jesus. God is teaching me and my daughter daily if not at times hourly how to trust him when things just dont make sense. And I know that God is faithful when my faith is weak and tired. My daughter is planning a baby shower for them. I struggle at times wondering if we are sending the message that the choices they have made are “wonderful” in celebrating how “wonderfully made” this precious child is…and precious he is! There are so many more details too numerous to write. How might I continue to love them, celebrate my grandson, yet express my desire for them to be obedient to God? I would appreciate any words of wisdom or resources on knowing how to respond to what is now a life long result of their choices. Thank you.

  58. Paula says:

    Please send comment to my email.

  59. My daughter has been married before but has been divorced for several years, She has two children 10 and 15. She is living with a man now and has been for about 5 years. He also has a daughter who is about 13. She doesn’t come to see them any more, I am not at all sure what caused this problem but I feel like it may have been jealously over my grandchildren who are always there with her dad except when they spend every other week-end with their father. He also is living with a woman who has a small child, well she is probably 8 by now. Most of the couples my grandchildren know are not married but living together. I had a conversation with my 15 year old grand-daughter last night, she knows I am a Christian and how I feel about a lot of things. I ask her about living together and she simply took me by surprise by saying she thought it was okay to do this so you would know if you could put up with the other person so you wouldn’t get a divorce later. I ask her after this statement from her how she felt about sex before marriage. She agreed that it was wrong but she seems to think a couple could live together and not have sex. I did tell her this was highly unlikely because there would be to much temptation. My daughter knew how I felt about living with someone and not being married and I threatened to keep her children with me. They had lived with us approximately 6 years before all this took place. Sometimes I wondered if she moved in with him to get away from us because she could not afford a place of her own. The children love there mother dearly and I do too. This has not affected our relationship but now I don’t know what to say to my grand-daughter. I realized I made a mistake when I told my daughter she could come home in the first place. I should have required they get marriage counseling but we can’t go back now after all these years. This is much longer than I intended it to be but I don’t know what to say to my grand-daughter and I need help

  60. Hello their quick questions. I was homeless at age 19 i am in my 20s now and i currently live with my fiancé not by choice but i got warned by god i have been living here for a year and we are getting married in two months we have been best friends for 9 years and i use to sleep next to him nothing sexual just sleep when he would sleep over. Actually i never liked him like that but he has been in love with me for 9 years. I met him through the grace of the lord. But i am petrified we both are equally yoked and i need prayers please because i had no place to live times are tough. And to follow up with the beinging his parents found a women that i could stay with but it didn’t work out well. so i came back. And i just feel like i failed the lord and i don’t believe in divorce and neither dose he. thank you for your time i appreciate it

  61. Sha says:


    I have a situation likened to many of the readers/and commenters. I have lived with my boyfriend for 2 years now and at times I admittedly feel guilty about living together. It wasn’t something that we planned, but we both strongly believe that God brought us together for a reason. We both live in nyc,and anyone who lives there knows how expensive the rent is. My rent was going up and I could barely afford to make it, coupled with my regular bills, wanting to start school, my situation seemed bleak. His rent, although less than mine was too much to handle with his expenses and child support payments(he is divorced). After sitting down and doing a budget, he realized that he was endanger of losing his apt. We talked about living together tons of times, but both decided it wasn’t the greatest of ideas. But once our situations began to worsen, he suggested that we give it a try. I was hesitant, but decided why not, I could save some money and go back to school. Our first few months were rough, Id never lived with anyone before, but they began to smooth eventually. With the financial help of each other..and I strongly believe Gods grace,we were both able to achieve the things we wanted. I was able to get back in school, he was able to quit his dead end job and pursue something better. We hit another rough patch and he lost that job. Thank God I made enough money to cover our expenses and rent. As time passed, God bailed us out again, and he was able to find a job making more money than the both of us. I truly believe that God had forseen our struggles and brought us together strictly for that purpose, to help each other. My parents passed when I was very young..and my fathers brother who raised me, passed away immediately after I moved out on my own..I have no strong connections with my family, where if I needed a place to live they would/or could help. Ive thought about trying to move out..but it honestly seems impossible for a single person to do..even with a job paying a decent salary(50,000 per year). During our rough patches, Id applied for different affordable units with no luck. I love the guy, and I do believe that marriage is on the horizon. I don’t think that our coming together was by accident. If God is in control of every situation, he could’ve easily made a way for us to keep our places, why didn’t he? I don’t mean this in a nasty way..im really curious. Thank you for listening, and sorry for the rambling..be blessed

  62. Neicey says:

    My boyfriend and I have “dated” for three years and engaged in pre-marital sex. We spent several months living together this summer. The topic of commitment came up on my end. I have a young son and am a Christian and want to be a good role model for my son.

    Upon returning from our trip, my boyfriend helped me find a new home and is even covering the cost of most of my bills. I told him throughout the summer that I was uncomfortable “cohabitating.” I stood my ground on that point a month ago and have also started abstaining from sex.

    He says he is good with God, but “doesn’t believe in the Old Testament.” (I don’t think he knows much about the word, frankly. He will go to church with me, but he does make a point to let me know how he doesn’t believe in the Bible all the way because it was written by people. So the relationship/obedience to God topic is not something we are on the same page with.

    This past month has been such a struggle. My boyfriend alternates from being kind to being really angry with me. He says there is no way he is going to marry me with no sex before marriage because I am just showing him how I can take something away. He thinks I will do the same in marriage.

    I have talked to him and emailed him scripture that talks about immorality. He thinks I am rejecting him and being vindictive. So I feel it’s almost better for me to bite my tongue because he is so turned off by all of these topics: Bible, marriage, etc.

    He alternates between having two mindsets: one is fairly sweet and polite; and the other is angry with me about this.

    I know the relationship is in jeopardy (he does, however keep coming around and hanging out with me and my son). I know he cares. I feel he has deep wounds from his past, and that he is super guarded and scared.

    At the same time (as much as I may want to), I don’t want to give in because I have finally found the courage to be obedient. I do feel like I’m in a strange spot because I am no longer working full time and supporting myself. I took a step back from work to spend more time with my son, who is benefitting greatly from the quality time.

    The boyfriend is excellent with my son and loves him very much… he sends him to great schools and will do anything for him.

    He feels cheated because I changed and “pulled the rug out from under him” but he has not pulled the run out from under me financially.

    I am praying for a heart converstion – that he will come to know the real and living God and then finally understand all this. I pray for the real deal – a Godly man/ husband. If needed, I could walk away and definitely am working to support myself more in my business now. But I don’t feel led to leave at the moment. I am in a waiting period – and feel a little cross at times. But I want most to trust in God and obey him. I love Him (God).

    Prayers and insight into the situation would be greatly appreciated. My boyfriend is a successful man and together (or separately), we could do great things to serve God. Unfortunately, there is a wall around his heart at moments, and I am having a very hard time breaking through.

    My family say I am absolutely crazy to blow this, and that my boyfriend will turn to another woman if I don’t sleep with him. But still I press on- while living in this strange limbo – land.

    Oh, and I want to have another child, and boyfriend doesn’t because I have one child (not his) who he loves; but he doesn’t want a baby. He has grown children.

    So I want to have a sperm donor – even if we are not married I want to try to have a donor. I am 41 and my clock is definitely ticking. I feel that God is the giver of life, and if a new life is meant to be, it will happen. It’s been on my heart (to have a real family of my own; and to have another child) for quite some time. If boyfriend can’t commit to marriage, and he has been with me knowing that this is what I want, then I can do it on my own with Gods help and believe in God for providing the family part in time. But this is all hypothetical talk – because I am not pregnant at the moment.

    WE NEED HELP – that’s for sure – and I am also excited at the same time because I really don’t know how all this will turn out. I just know that I was cohabitating, and God somehow gave me the courage to step out of that. Now I will see where HE takes me next.

  63. Andre says:

    Hi Ray

    I’ve read over all of your articles about living together before marriage and I have to say I’m really moved…

    I’m currently 17 turning 18 fairly soon and about to head off to college with my girlfriend of 2 years and we want to get married in college.(we are going to the same college)(and also I know the whole ‘puppy love’ scenario, but me and her basically grew up together in highschool from sophmore year all the way currently today.) We are in an extremely committed relationship and have not lived together, and have kept our promise to stay abstinent untill we are married together.

    You have shed some much needed light on the predicament me and her have had about living together before marriage and thank you for that. I have decided that it’s best to wait till we are married to finally live together.

    But I have 1 big question. We are both of course wanting to get married, and she said she had gotten a blessing from God during church saying that me and her are both blessed. So what I want to know is if it would be okay (of course with the fathers blessing) to marry her in college. We are both 100% committed and have no problem publicly and privately claiming of our commitment to each other. I had bought her a promise ring about a year into the relationship to signify our commitment for each other and our commitment to obey God’s commands. We are 100% ready and I am curious to know of that seems like a good time. Thank you so much!

  64. Kelly says:


    My fiancé and I are getting married in May 2016. I have lived with him and his 5 boys (which is shared custody with his ex) for 6 months. We just bought a house and moved in 3 days ago. We are doing premarriage counseling, have gone once so far, and our Pastor asked if we were living together. We said yes but we are refraining from sexual activities. He suggested that one of us sleep elsewhere for that time being. Since we just moved in our new house 3 days ago I have been staying at my brothers at night. I am finding this extremely difficult do to the fact I am home all day (i don’t work because we decided on me staying home so I can be home when the boys when they get home from school so I can help them with homework. There was a huge! lack of structure when I met him and his boys and in the year and a half we have been together there has been a 180° shift in the boys for the better.) I find it very hard to leave at night since I am home all day unpacking, organizing, cleaning, helping the boys get homework done and chores, get dinner ready. Their is no us time at all! I left the other night I tears cause I feel like I do all this work and then have to leave my family. I don’t know what to do. I feel as though this not living together is going to pull us apart rather then be better. Pelase give me some advise here.


  65. Heather says:

    Dear pastor ray,

    I recently landed on your blog and i thought i should contct you.

    I need some advice on marriage.
    There is a man interested in marrying me. He however, has three children with a lady he has been cohabiting with for nine years. I have known him for four years and we have a child.

    Both of us are christians but were not so committed to making our relationship with God a priority.
    However, that has changed. We have decide to renew our comittment to God and one of the issues we want to deal with, is sexual immorality. Am willing to abstain from sex and also to live apart as i seek forgiveness from the Lord. He is also willing.

    My main question though; does that make our relationship okay? Should i go ahead an marry him after doing all this right? Will God bless our union or this man rightfully belongs to the mother of his elder three kids?

    Please help me.

  66. Ronnie Thomson says:

    Hi I have studied the comments on this site , Yes I do love and respect God and have had a miserable lonely life on my own although I have been in relationships that have never worked out . I know have the chance of a future with someone special because of my work and the travelling which is tiring me . I have confesses my sins and want a new start in life with happiness not misery

  67. SOUL JA says:


  68. SOUL JA says:



  69. Tina says:

    Can you please post a blog on this subject

  70. Rie Tee says:

    Hi pastor, i hope that you still keep up on this blog. I’m living with my boyfriend of almost four years. Would it be right to get married right away to avoid living in sin any longer? If we both know that this is the path that was meant for us?

  71. Ray Fowler says:

    Rie – Yes, if you are both ready to get married, you should get married. If not, then you should move apart until you are. What you shouldn’t do is continue living together outside of marriage. I hope that helps!

  72. Emmie says:

    Hi Ray! This is the situation that my fiance and I are in:
    I am a full-time college student studying Music Education, and I work part time for the Boy’s and Girls Club. Living with my parents, my commute is an hour long, one way. With COVID, things with work and school have been hectic; my schedule is about to change to going to the before-school program from 6:30am-8:30 am, and returning from 2:30-8pm, with classes and rehearsals in between. We recently got a two-bedroom apartment in both of our names, and will be getting married in March. We are considering me moving in with him.

    With my new work schedule,I will have to get up by 4:30am every morning, and will not be getting home until at least 9pm. When you consider having homework, laundry, meal prepping, etc. I likely will not get to bed before midnight. I cannot function on less than 5 hours of sleep every night; my mental health will quickly deteriorate.

    I also do not drive the most reliable car. It is a 1996, and is slowly falling apart-driving out to the middle-of-nowhere late at night/early in the morning is incredibly stressful for me. We are planning on finding me a car after we get married, and staying in town will lessen the wear and tear on my car. Plus, I spend over $200/month on gas alone-which is over half of my paychecks (I am paid twice a month). Living in town, I will go to paying $80/month on gas.

    COVID is also a big factor; my parents are older with health issues, and if I were to carry this virus into the house it could be fatal for them. They have asked me on multiple occasions to stay with my fiance because my college campus is exploding with new cases.

    We have also been seeking counsel from my parents and his parents, and everyone seems to agree that us moving in together is the best decision. We are four months away, have combined finances, are NOT having sex and will not be until our wedding day… Your articles are intriguing, and I would love to hear your counsel.

    And I would like to say too that we have spent a lot of time talking and praying about this. We are four months away from our wedding. I don’t have anywhere else I can stay in town, and our parents are incredibly Godly people so of course we respect their judgement.

  73. Giulia Mencaglia says:

    Hi Ray!

    To give you some background I have been in courtship since may, engaged in August, never living together or any of the sort.

    Here’s our dilemma we are part of a Pentecostal church here in the U.K., unfortunately a blessing from one of our pastors is not recognised as a legally binding marriage so we have had to get legally married first, we did so just now in December. None of my husbands family was there as he is from South Africa and Covid has not allowed for them to fly over.

    Now for our blessing we wanted to wait for the situation with Covid to calm down as we would like our parents to be there, not asking for a big party just the basics – parents and sisters/brothers

    My husband has nowhere to live as he now has to move out of his flat, we both decided to abstain until the spiritual blessing happens but we are wondering if moving in with me and sleeping in separate bedrooms would still be considered out of principle?


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  1. Living Together Without Sex at Ray Fowler .org
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