Living Together Without Sex
June 19, 2008
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Posted by Ray Fowler
Living Together Before Marriage Series:
● Statistics on Living Together Before Marriage
● Scriptures on Living Together Before Marriage
● Living Together Without Sex
● What If We Already Lived Together Before Marriage?
This is the third post in a series on living together before marriage. The first post presented statistics which demonstrate a high correlation between living together before marriage and undesirable outcomes. The second post presented various Scriptures which prohibit living together before marriage.
Many of the Bible verses in the second post assumed that couples who live together are also sexually involved. That is usually a fair assumption, but what about those rarer cases where a couple lives together but is not sexually active? Is it okay for a couple to live together if they don’t have sex? For example, how about the couple that moves in together for financial reasons but chooses to abstain from sex until marriage?
Well, I would applaud the decision to abstain sexually until marriage, but there are still good reasons not to live together before marriage. Let me share with you three.
- The first has to do with temptation. Let’s face it: living together, sharing a house, or sharing a bed is not the best way to fight temptation. If you are truly serious about saving sex for marriage, the last thing you should do is move in with the person whom you love and to whom you are sexually attracted. When you live together before marriage, you open yourself up for temptation.
- Secondly there is the matter of your testimony. The Bible says we should avoid even the appearance of evil. (Ephesians 5:3; 1 Thessalonians 5:22) How does your decision to live together affect those around you? What kind of an example does it set for younger people who are watching? How will people view your relationship who do not know about your commitment to abstain sexually? Our testimony affects how people view Christ and the church. Many have rejected Christianity because they do not see people living it out. Living together presents a poor testimony for Christ and his church.
- And thirdly there is the matter of trivialization. Living together trivializes marriage by taking away from the uniqueness of marriage. Living together pretends to be marriage, but it is not the same thing. It is really a mockery of marriage and therefore dishonors marriage. This goes against Hebrews 13:4 which says: “Let marriage be honored by all.” I think it’s sad when a couple who lives together and finally gets married says, “It’s not that different.” They have lost out on part of the joy and uniqueness of the marriage relationship which God intended for them.
After reading these posts, someone might ask, “What if we already lived together before marriage?” Is it too late for us? Is there anything we can do to make it right?” That will be the subject of the next and final post in the series.
Check out the other posts in the Living Together Before Marriage series:
● Statistics on Living Together Before Marriage
● Scriptures on Living Together Before Marriage
● Living Together Without Sex
● What If We Already Lived Together Before Marriage?
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Categories: Marriage, Sexuality
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Hi Ray,
This is an interesting post but what happens if you’re an atheist and the God argument doesn’t come into it?
I have been with my partner for nearly six years. I’ve heard the arguments about cohabiting not showing true commitment, but frankly that’s absurd in our case. Neither of us are heading anywhere other than down the road of future happiness together.
So why is it such a bad thing for us to cohabit? We love each other, we care for each other, we provide for each other. I just can’t see what’s wrong with cohabitation in that situation.
Best
Ian
Ian – Thanks for commenting. I am just heading out the door so I can’t answer right now, but I will get back to you. Thanks for visiting and talk to you later!
Hi Ian – Okay, I’m back again.
This post is the third in a series, and I would guess for an atheist the posts would make less and less sense as they go along. The first post was just a general post showing some of the negative statistics that go along with cohabiting before marriage. Of course there are some people living together who are happy and get along, and some married people who are miserable, but the stats are significant enough that they should give anyone pause before making the decision to move in together.
The second post was answering the question: What does the Bible say about living together before marriage? Of course, if someone does not believe the Bible, the second post will just be an exercise in curiosity. But for someone who believes in God and and the Bible, these verses are very important. They tell us that God designed living together and the sexual relationship for the commitment of marriage. They also tell us that the sexual relationship outside of marriage is immoral. So even if the couple is happy together, they are still disobeying God’s commands in this area.
The third post (this one) probably makes even less sense to someone who is not committed to following God’s way, because there is no direct command in the Bible saying, “You will not live together even if you don’t have sex!” This is more a matter of following general principles laid out in the Bible as described in the post above.
Ian, I have no doubt that you and your partner love each other, care for each other and provide for each other. You may even beat the statistics from Post #1! So why is it a bad thing for you to cohabit? Because if God really exists and if he has really given us his commands in the Bible, then you are disobeying the God who loves you and created you and wants to be in relationship with you. But even if you don’t believe in God, you should still take a careful look at Post #1.
I wish you all the best, and feel free to link to this series over at your cohabiting blog – even if just as a contrarian viewpoint!
Hi Ray, and thanks for such a long and detailed response – it’s nice not to be batted away as someone just trying to provoke an argument!
I’ve seen similar stats before but as someone who’s been cohabiting for a long time, my partner and I are not suddenly going to stop living together.
One of the main issues is that it seems to be considered a bad thing if you are using cohabiting as some sort of practice run for marriage. But I’ve seen very few statistics about separation rates for cohabiting couples for whom cohabiting is *the* major step because for whatever reason marriage is not on the cards. If you’re cohabiting but not using it as a trial run for something else – ie, you’re treating it as seriously as others would treat marriage – then I wonder if that beats the argument. I don’t know, I’m just wondering. Throwing a thought out there, if you like.
I clicked on the link on your first post – ‘Statistics on Living Together’ – that took me to the National Review Online interview with Michael McManus.
The following answer really struck me as flawed:
“Lopez: You’re against cohabitation. What about premarital sex? Is that inviting problems too?
“McManus: Yes, even though most people see nothing wrong with premarital sex, research shows they are wrong. Those couples who married in the 1960s who were virgins were much less likely to divorce than the sexually active — only 30 percent of virgins divorced, while 50 percent of the sexually active divorced. The same pattern can be seen of those who married in the early 1980s. By 1988, 14 percent of virgins had divorced, but 24 percent of the sexually active. That’s 71 percent higher. St. Paul wrote, “Flee fornication.””
Yes, the research may show those figures. But it does not necessarily mean there is a direct link that can be correlated between sexual activity and divorce figures — rather, it could be a link between personality types of those willing to deny themselves sex before marriage. For example, were the virgins people from more conservative, traditional backgrounds where there may have been greater pressures on people not to divorce — ie, regardless of whether the marriage was happy or miserable, you never even contemplated divorce because of what society/your parents/anyone else would have thought of you had you got divorced. Therefore they might not have been necessarily doing what they thought was best for themselves (I know of countless older couples who should have divorced many moons ago but stayed together for a life of misery because they were worried about what they perceived as a social stigma towards divorce), but rather they were just trying to avoid what they perceived as some kind of public shaming. If that’s the case, the link is with the areas of society rather than a straight correlation between virgins and marriage success rate.
It may be a huge stereotype and I’m more than willing to stand corrected, but it would strike me that those people from a more conservative background 50 years ago would have been a) more likely to remain virgins until marriage and b) more likely to be fearful of public recriminations had they got divorced. So rather than their marriage being successful due to their virgin status, it merely didn’t break up because of their own fears.
Anyway, there’s some food for thought in that little lot, I’m sure.
And yes, I may well put up my own post about cohabiting without sex and use your blog as the contrary viewpoint!
Take care
Ian
Ian – Thanks for responding back. You raise an interesting question about people who live together instead of marriage rather than as preparation for marriage. I don’t know the statistics on that one, but I would still think the marriage statistics would win out. Even with a 50% divorce rate (which is shameful), I can’t imagine that over 50% of people who start living together stay living together for life. I would think the commitment made in marriage lends itself to longer term stability overall.
Good thoughts on cause and correlation as well. Statistics can be helpful, but we need to be careful interpreting them. Of course as a Christian, I don’t make my decisions based on statistics anyways. Even if premarital sex correlated with longer marriages and less divorce, I would still see it as a moral issue. I’m just not surprised when the statistics seem to correlate with the biblical directives.
I noticed you put up your own post on cohabiting without sex. And wonder of wonders, we both agree that living together without sex does not make sense. You just think live together couples should go ahead and have sex, and I think they shouldn’t be living together in the first place. Oh well, at least we found some common ground!
Thanks again for conversing with me on this topic. And thanks for the link from your blog. Here’s the link to Ian’s post for those who would like to visit: Could you cohabit without sex?
I thank you for your wisdom. I have often searched the bible for answers to these questions and couldn’t make any sense of what I found. But you spoke and laid it out so that I can see the truth. Thank you
Tiffani – Thank you for your kind words, and I am glad you found the posts helpful.
Hi Ray,
I have really been struggling with this issue lately. I have been with my fiance for 5 and a half years. We are committed to refraining from sex till we are married, and have stayed true to this all this time. This can not be budged. We are to marry in December, but are moving to a new city in less than a week, and previously arranged living situations with roommates are falling through. I have a two bedroom apartment and it would be so easy to just welcome her in 4 months earlier. We have talked of how most cases of cohabitation fail because there is no pre-discussed expectation of marriage. Forethought now shows we should have moved the wedding date to the summer, but that is not an option now. We are both so committed to God and so committed to each other that we know we can easily make it through this and be stronger for it. Your points are exactly what I have been wrestling with. Anyone that knows me deeper than an acquaintance knows my stance on waiting to have sex, but I do not want to appear a man of this world to those who do not know me. There is no way around this though. I guess I just feel because we are so committed to each other and our marriage is so near that this could still be another triumph for God, showing people that even with temptation we have not faltered. My non-Christian friends have even vowed to wait until they are married after seeing our example. I guess I feel like the light of God is still shining brightly to those around me.
And the thing is, where we were living last year, I stayed the night many times, as did she. We would see each other nearly all weekend and loved it. To me, it did not take away from that anticipation of marriage.
I don’t even know exactly what to ask you, but am just feeling a little lost you could say, and wanted to seek the advice of an outside Christian.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Jeremy
Hi Jeremy, Thanks for sharing your situation. I understand the difficulties you are facing, but I would still encourage you to find a way to live apart until marriage. Look at it this way. If you find a way to live apart until after the wedding, you will never regret it, but if you do move in together now, there will likely be regret later. You guys have made it so far already. In the meantime, keep laying it before the Lord in prayer and ask him to show you a way. All the best, and feel free to contact me through the comments here or by email.
I’m planning on looking for a studio apartment for myself at this point, but I’ve been very successfully using my fiance’s spare bedroom for the last month without any great fear of the “temptation”. I had to move rather suddenly due to the decision of my stepdad. Fortunately the architecture firm I took up with needed someone in the same city my fiance is stationed in and even offered to take care of my housing. After my trial period, however, they decided I was on my own for housing, and thus, why I’ve been using his spare room. Sex, however, is something we know is not ok and we are both fully aware of the seriousness of the act and the consequences; physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I understand the point that we are supposed to avoid “even the appearance” of sexual immorality. My question is, how far are we supposed to go to satisfy other peoples ignorance. I.E.= I never even went on a date or kissed a guy until I was 19. In spite of that, or maybe even because of it, it was apparently the “cool thing” in highschool for a guy to say that he’d done stuff with me. There is nothing more I could have done to prevent this mindset. I was a total tomboy and didn’t even start shopping in the girls section until my sophmore year. In my situation now, those who choose to believe that I’m sleeping with him will, regardless of where I’m living. We’re really open about our decisions to abstain and why and our faith. How far should we have to go to prevent the “appearance of immorality”? As far as the arguement that we are “playing marriage”, I’m not sure how it is so different to pour 800$ a month into an apartment across the street so I can go over there instead of going to my own room at night. It’s frustrating to me that there is so much more of an emphasis today placed on the “appearance” that we’re not having sex instead of the fact that…well…we’re not! If anybody has some feedback I’d appreciate it.
Hey Leah – I totally admire you for maintaining purity while living with your fiance. Very few would be able to do that. I still think it is wiser, even for someone who is very self-controlled (like you) to live elsewhere. God tells us in His Word to flee temptation. Over time, your longing for each other will grow more intense – as it should – that’s the way God designed us! If you are that easily accessible to each other, it will truly be easier than you realize to fall into temptation. It’s better to have some distance there until you can marry. And I say…marry soon!! You will love NOT having to be self-controlled in this area. With love, Sharon
Leah – I commend your stand for purity with your fiance, but I still think living together is a bad idea. Living together unmarried is just different than living together married. And once a couple starts living together, even if they are abstaining sexually, they begin forming patterns that will be hard to change later. How much better to form those patterns within the bonds of marriage.
I also would not discount the importance of your testimony. Even if you successfully live together without sex, you could be encouraging others to do the same, and they may not be as successful! I would not want to be a stumbling block to another.
I hope you find that studio apartment soon, and I wish you and your fiance all the best. And I would echo Sharon’s advice above. If you are ready to get married, then get married. It’s the best of both worlds.
wow i love your posts! Im a christian and im in a situation where i have a choice to either move in with my daughters father who iv’e been with for 5 years(we are now celibate) or to wait until marriage but lately Iv’e been learning more and more through the scriptures and through church and Im deciding that it won’t be such a good idea to move in unless I get that ring! Thank YOU!!!!
Tina – Good for you! I like that – don’t move in until you get the ring. Just make sure it is the wedding ring and not just the engagement ring!
As you keep reading the scriptures and seeking God, you will understand more and more God’s will for you in these matters. I like what the book of Romans says about this:
“Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God — this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:1-2)
All the best, and thanks for commenting.
Earlier this year, my boyfriend had to go out of town for a month. This was around the same time I was looking for a place in that area so I moved into his place a few days after he left and found my own place before he got back. As a Christian, I don’t believe in cohabitation as well. I don’t believe this was wrong because we weren’t living together. However, a lot of my christian friends frowned on this arrangement.
bumblebee – Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with that, nor do I see where Scripture would say you were wrong. I would see that as a matter of Christian liberty where each person would have to follow their own conscience in the light of Scriptural principles and give each other grace to perhaps make a different choice than someone else would. Thanks for commenting!
This is a very interesting post which I agree with personally…what I’m wondering about with the “appearance of evil” scripture…If a Christian was in a situation where he/she chose to rent a two bedroom dwelling with a cohabiting couple…is that Christian sinning as well by ‘supporting’ the behavior?
I would appreciate your perspective! Thanks! : )
Casey – I know I would not feel comfortable renting in that situation. I guess part of it is I might feel I was supporting the behavior, but it just doesn’t seem like a good situation for anyone to be in, Christian or not.
Hi! I found your blog very interesting though I am not yet in the situation of living with a partner coz I am still single, you know. But the fact that your statements help me in my analytic paper for my ethics course is enough reason for me to extend my gratitude. Thank you very much! Hope to read more about the issue, and enlighten me more about it.
Joy – Thank you for your comments, and all the best with your paper.
Ray, I just wanted to say, as a Christian, that I am really glad to see a faith based website out there that talks about real issues and acknowledges the shortcomings we have today with research and statistics. I appreciate your honesty with your beliefs and the manner in which you display statistics. I am currently doing a paper on cohabitation before marriage and how the different portrayals are with research vs. the media. It has been discouraging when I come upon faith based websites who attempt to use secular research and falsely display statistics. I think what you said sums it all up “Of course as a Christian, I don’t make my decisions based on statistics anyways. Even if premarital sex correlated with longer marriages and less divorce, I would still see it as a moral issue. I’m just not surprised when the statistics seem to correlate with the biblical directives.”
Sarah – Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, and all the best on your paper.
Hey Ray!
I wanted to get your thoughts on a complicated situation with my fiance, because he doesn’t really understand everything I’m trying to tell him, and I’d like to give him an outside perspective from someone that doesn’t even know us as a couple.
First of all, I will let you know that I live in Colorado, and he lives in Tennessee. We’re not planning on getting married until next June.
His parents are building me a room in their basement, which I never asked them to do. I was talking about moving to Tennessee to be closer to him, and they thought I could come out and live in their house. This would be for six months or so before we get married. The problem is that my fiance lives with them.
Granted, we wouldn’t be sharing a bedroom since they’re building a room for me in the basement, but that’s really close proximity.
I’ve given his mom 5 main reasons why God laid it on my heart as a bad idea through prayer, the Word, and godly counsel. #1–Cohabitation is a gray area. Even though I would be living with my fiance, his parents, and his brother, there are possible times when we would be alone in the house for a while. I don’t want us to do anything stupid. I know that he respects me and the Lord, but I also know how guys are wired. I also know that when you’re deeply in love with someone, if you’re under the same roof for a while, things can happen that you would never expect to get into. I want us to be as pure as possible.
# 2–God also spoke to my heart that this thing about staying in their house for a while was my fiance and I’s plan–not His. I realized I had not even once asked Him if it’s ok with Him or not. I sensed Him speaking to my heart that He has a better plan–that He has somewhere else for me to live so we won’t be under the same roof for a long time.
# 3–My fiance and I have been trying to take things into our own hands too much with how I’m going to save money, where I’m going to live, etc. I want to trust that God will provide a place for me.
# 4–Avoiding temptation is simply easier when you’re not living under the same roof for a prolonged period of time. There’s more accountability that way. God says to flee temptation, and I really sensed Him speaking to my heart that I need to live in a different house or apartment out there for a while in order to flee.
# 5–Avoiding the appearance of evil is very important, and that would be hard to do if we’re living under the same roof for several months. People will still think we’re having sex even if we’re not. If my fiance gets a youth ministry job, the kids will think it’s ok for them to live together if they’re not married, and they might even assume that we’re having pre-marital sex. I want to be above reproach in the eyes of our brothers and sisters in Christ, as well as in the eyes of whoever we minister to as a team for the Kingdom.
Now, you must know that he takes 5 classes at Clear Creek Baptist Bible College in Kentucky. He also works 30 hours a week for Citibank in collections. He also lost his virginity when he was 18, and he said that one experience completely turned him off from pre-marital sex. That was the only time he’s had sex. He’s 24 now. He thinks that we won’t have any issues with overcoming temptation because of how busy he is, and because his family will be around. He says that he’d rather break off our engagement than ruin my purity, since I am still a virgin.
We have both sought godly counsel, and the godly counsel he’s sought has seen nothing wrong with it because of our “different situation.” However, the majority of my family and friends stand behind me and completely see where I’m coming from.
I’m sorry this is so long-winded, but I really wanted your thoughts.
Thanks!
Chara
I wanted to share two other things.
Their motives in having me stay at their house were so that I could live rent free, save money, pay off more of my students loans, and still have time with my fiance before we get married.
My fiance thinks there’s a very small likelihood that I would find a good, affordable living situation with roommates in an apartment or with a family in their house. He also has fears about me living with people I don’t know yet.
Chara – I agree that it would be best for you not to move in with your fiance’s family before marriage. I believe your future in-laws’ motives are good, but I believe it would be best to find alternate arrangements.
Beyond that, it seems that you have a conviction from God not to do this, and I would encourage you to honor that conviction. This would be in line with Romans 14:23 which says, “Everything that does not come from faith is sin.”
I trust that God will show you his better plan soon, and I wish you and your fiance all the best with your future.
Chara, I want to add that your fiance’s ability to respect your conviction, this side of marriage, is an important indicator of how he will or won’t respect you and the things you say/believe/feel on the other side of marriage. Respect is much different than agreeing–it is possible to disagree strongly while respecting the other person’s stand on a thing. I have been talking to my children about being able to disagree and state their argument without trying to pressure/force/cajole/badger the other person to change their stance. It’s not an easy lesson, but it’s an important one to have learned before joining one’s life with another person in marriage.
I hope my kids learn that they can ask questions and state their arguments alongside of another person’s (at this time, usually their siblings’) “no”. But once stated, if the no still stands, they need to find a way to respect it. And by the same token, when they are convinced of something, they can listen well and openly to another person’s arguments and be open to the possibility of seeing new options, but they should not change their “no” just as a caving in to pressure/force/cajoling or badgering.
Your “no”s are very well thought out and solid. You have listened to your fiance’s and his family’s reasoning, and you’ve made space for the reasonableness of it, but you have also seen how none of their reasoning changes your reasoning. I would suggest affirming to your fiance that you hear and appreciate the offer, but since you can’t, for your own convictions, agree, you can communicate that you are ultimately asking that he respect and accept your decision.
Insisting upon help offered (i.e. the room they are building) without respecting the decisions of the person the “help” is being offered to is not help so much as it is manipulation, which is not a good thing to bring, unaddressed, into a marriage.
Dana – Thank you for a wise and well-articulated response to Chara’s question. I will be sure to email your response to her just in case she doesn’t get a chance to check back in here.
Ray,
I am actually reading Michael McManus’ book right now. While I’m finding it helpful, as are your blogs on this topic, I’m still struggling. My situation is unique. You see, I’m the daughter of a cohabiting woman. My mother has been dating a non-christian since I was a small child. When I was in college, this man had an accident and needed 24-hour care. My mom moved in to take care of him. She was working full-time then. Since then, she has taken a part-time job, so her boyfriend is partially supporting her. She actually held onto the house she owned for years and finally sold it. Ironically, she keeps her belongings in a storage unit. She did have her own room, but she now sleeps in his bed. I don’t know the extent of their physical intimacy beyond that, but she has claimed in the past to be abstinent. My mom claims to be saved, and I believe her. I am the only one in her life who has disagreed with her lifestyle. She floats between 3 churches, and, therefore, avoids accountability. My husband and I have a daughter and a child on the way. We told her before our first child was born that we would not bring our kids to a house where she’s living with a man to whom she’s not married for the kids’ sakes. It’s not to punish her or to make a statement. She is welcome to meet us on neutral ground or come over as often as she wants, and we want her to have a good relationship with her grandkids.
I have been researching this in the Bible for years, so I thank you for these posts. Although we’ve spoken candidly numerous times, I am contemplating beginning a formal Matthew 18 process by bringing Scripture and statistics to her about being unequally yoked and cohabitation. My biggest struggle: Scripture teaches that younger women are not to rebuke older women. I’ve asked many people in our church (what she’d consider her main church) to help me, but everyone says, “It shouldn’t be me!” How can I speak the truth in love without it being a rebuke?
Kristen – You are indeed in an awkward situation. A couple thoughts.
1) It may not be appropriate for you to outright rebuke your mom, but it is certainly okay for you to share your heart on the matter with her and how much it pains you to see her living in disobedience to the Lord. I think it would also be appropriate to share Scriptures and statistics about this with her.
2) I agree not to confuse your children by bringing them into a home where two unmarried people are living together. Do make every effort for your children to know their grandmother – have her over to the house, go out together, etc. but I would stand firm on not bringing your children into a morally wrong situation.
3) Keep praying. I would hope that a pastor from at least one of the three churches would approach your mom and talk to her about this.
Thank you, Ray, for answering my questions. I shall “press on.” Maybe I will have good news to share in the future!
So I have been in a moral dilemma since I started dating my now-fiance 9 months ago. We are both Christians (and we are both 24 years old), and before dating him, I had only kissed one other man. We talked about purity and our standards, and both agreed we didn’t want to go farther than kissing while dating. Two weeks into our relationship, we messed up – we didn’t have sex, but we did other things that were just as wrong. Since then, we have committed to not sinning sexually, messed up, prayed about it, committed again, the messed up again… and so on. My heart hurts when I think about how much we’ve sinned in this area. I’ve carried a lot of guilt for these mistakes and have partly convinced myself the Lord is completely ashamed of me.
My fiance has full custody of his 2 1/2 year old son and currently lives about an hour away from me. His son’s mother is out of the picture, so in my heart his son is now my son. We all see each other almost every day… when they come to my apartment during the week, our son sleeps in his own room, my fiance sleeps on my couch, and I sleep on the bed. When they come on the weekend, I spend the night at my parents’ house (during the week, it is really rough to sleep at my parents’ due to getting up early for work). We talked to our pastor about this and he said we just have to not mess up… basically, sleeping in the same room isn’t wrong but messing up is. So we’re working on it.
He and our son live with his parents, so I spend the night in a spare room when I go there. My fiance and I normally cuddle and sleep together until 2am-ish, when my alarm clock wakes me up and I move to either a) my parents’ b) the couch or c) another room. We both really like cuddling and always end up falling asleep after a day of work, travel and parenting, which is why I set my alarm.
We are getting married on November 21, but I am moving into our new apartment in July. This new place is 45 minutes from my fiance’s house, and I am worried that we’ll end up practically living together. Our son goes to bed at 9, so we have to wait until then to get alone time. I am worried that the prospect of driving 45 minutes to my or his parents’ house at 11 at night when we’re done hanging out will seem completely unappealing, especially since we’ll be exhausted. I don’t want to live together before we’re married – neither one of us do; we want to honor the Lord as much as we can, despite our continual failings. How should this situation be handled? Is sleeping part of the night together wrong? Is him spending the night on my couch wrong? What steps should we take to ensure we are not living together before being married? We already feel like we live together, since we’re always staying in the same building (either my apartment or his parents’ house). His parents have advised us just to live together… this whole situation is very stressful. Any advice?
Megan – Thank you for taking the time to share your situation. I am glad that you and your fiance are both believers, that you are talking with your pastor, and that you both want to do what’s right. That’s a really good start!
However, I believe the reason you are feeling so stressful is that you have already crossed too many lines before marriage. As you say above, you are already practically living together, and the change in apartments in July will only make things that much tougher.
You have shared that you do not want to live together before marriage. In order to ensure that doesn’t happen, I believe you need to take one of two radical steps. Either 1) stop spending the night with each other in the same house, or 2) get married now rather than later.
If you can’t do number 1, I would encourage you to do number 2. If you can’t do number 2, I would encourage you to do number 1! If you can’t do either, then in many ways you will have ended up living together before marriage, and I know that is not what you want.
As far as sleeping together for part of the night, I would encourage you to talk with your fiance about it and agree to stop doing this immediately. You are opening yourselves up for temptation in a bad way, and sleeping together should really be reserved for marriage.
Megan, I wish you and your fiance all the best. Together you are laying the foundation for a lifetime relationship, and I pray that God will guide you into making good decisions that will strengthen your relationship for the long term. God bless!
We know a nice young couple who attend church faithfully but are living together with the young man’s brother in their home. They say they are not having sex anymore but still like the comfort and security of being together, holding together. They see each other in nakedness, also stay in hotel rooms when traveling. They are getting engaged next month. Need scripture, please
D. – I am glad the couple is working towards marriage, but it is still not right for them to be living together or staying in hotel rooms together before marriage. As far as Scriptures that address this situation, you can see the related post in this series: Scriptures on Living Together Before Marriage. Thank you for commenting, and thank you for caring about this young couple.
I need clarification on my situation. My boyfriend and I have been living in sin for the last year and 5 months. We have a 1 year-old daughter together and I have 4 year-old twins from a previous marriage. We have renewed our faith in Jesus and have gone to God about what it is we need to do about our situation. We do live together, but sleep in separate rooms. We do not walk around naked or half clothed to tempt the other. We have three floors and decided to move him to the top floor away from the rest of the house…so he can have his own space. We are doing what we can make the best out of the situation we are in until we get married. We cannot get married until I am legally divorced from my current husband. I know…it just gets worse as I talk about it. I feel so condemned about all that has been done since the separation in 2007. (We separated due to physical and emotional abuse) I know that I could have gotten a divorce before now, but didn’t see anything wrong with my life at the time. Now that I’ve been talking to God, I know that the divorce will happen this year. In California, it takes 6 months for a divorce to be final. I am just lost about this entire situation and need prayer. Are we doing the right thing by separating the household? Any advice will be helpful. We want to please God and show him that he is number one in our lives. God bless you and thank you.
E.C. – I am so glad you have renewed your faith in Christ and are seeking God’s guidance. It sounds like you know you have made mistakes and are now trying to do the right thing. I believe you have taken some good steps in separating out the living space as much as possible. Keep seeking God first, and don’t give in to those feelings of condemnation. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1)
Hi all,
I have found your website really helpful and it has clarified some things for me but I could still do with some counsel.
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months although we have known each other for 15 years and dated for a bit when we were 15 so know each other rally well and are totally comfortable with each other. We are very serious about each other and plan to get engaged/marry at the end of the year.
My boyfriend made a commitment to God in his teens but has drifted away, he is slowly coming back to God but has a lot of baggage to sort out, some sexual and other relational stuff between him and God. He is now coming to church with me and housegroup but can be quite closed about what’s going on in his head and it’s hard to know how hard to push him.
Anyway after Christmas he moved cities to be with me. The plan was to find him somewhere to live, get a job and then get on with our courtship but things didn’t turn out like that. It’s proved hard for him to find a job and he is now short on money and doesn’t have a deposit or rent to pay upfront. He has now secured a job and is due to start in a few weeks but we are REALLY struggling with him moving out.
We have been living together and sharing a bed and everything really. We have abstained from sex. We have messed up but have now drawn good boundaries and he is very respectful of me and my faith.
I should also say I have a long term chronic illness so can’t do too much so spend a lot of time resting etc so the idea of having to go back and forth between our different house if we had them worries me.
I have been feeling more and more unsettled with God since we got together, not in terms of our being together as I am sure we should be together and God has confirmed this but I think I have a lot of guilt over HOW we are together. I feel that I’m not being a very good witness to him when I’ve messed up with him sexually or perhaps not put God completely at the centre of our relationship. I think also God is convicting me of what we’re doing now (living together) not being right but it’s so hard to try and explain this feeling to my boyfriend as on the other hand I have LOVED the last 5 months.
I have tried so hard to try and explain things to him and to say I want our relationship to proceed along the right time lines and that there are stages to enjoy as we grow together. I also said that I want marriage to be a really special and sacred thing, something we wait for and get excited about by waiting but it’s SO hard to express all of that to someone who is walking with God like I am trying to.
He feels that we are being judged too much by others and that I am too sensitive to other people’s ideas about what we should and shouldn’t be doing etc. People’s opinions are important to me as I trying to be accountable and Holy but God’s opinion of me counts more.
I have tried to explain that I am more sensitive about what God thinks we he seemed to take on board but I just can’t seem to get my belief and opinions across in a way he can understand. He said he can respect my decision but I know it is pushing us apart which hurts.
He has no real interest in meeting people up here outside of us or particularly putting down roots here but I feel this is REALLY important. He says he’s come to be with me so he doesn’t have any interest in it. Maybe that will change when he starts working etc but it scares me to think I am to be his whole world – that can’t be healthy right? He is quite an introvert and happy to spend time alone with his computer but I am worried he won’t settle without making good friends here.
I don’t want him to be turned off of God because of these things but I can see it happening too if I push too hard but I KNOW I need to be a good witness and stand up for my beliefs but how hard do I push?
I’ve not really been able to get any good counsel and would value anyone’s thoughts.
Thanks you,
Jenny
we have been married for 43 years and the last 30 have been without sex. Sex is needless, boring, a real chore, not exciting. Things in our life have been great without it.
Nat – Actually this post is on a slightly different topic, people living together before marriage without sex. As far as married people living together without sex, although sex is not essential to a good marriage (for example, couples who must abstain for health reasons), it is a normal part of most healthy marriages. Thanks for stopping by and sharing.
Here is the situation. My brother who is a Christian has been dating a gal who is a Christian as well. He lives in the upper midwest and she lives down south – 1100 miles away. She is a teacher and has the summers off. He bought a house lives there and now she comes up every summer and lives there for a month. We are fairly sure there is no sexual activity going on but don’t know. There are some of his family and some in his small group who have a problem with this. How do you go about addressing this with him? He gets very defensive if you try to insinuate that they are living together. Just wondering.
Jeff – I’m sorry your brother gets defensive about it, but the fact is that during that month they are living together in the same home. And so if they are both Christians, they need to deal with the three points raised in the post above (temptation, testimony, and trivialization). Perhaps you could send him a copy of the post as a discussion starter. Or ask him why he doesn’t like it when family and friends describe what they are doing as living together.
my girlfreind lived together for almost 5 years. She told me was was leaving because we were not married.I perfectly understand the reason for leaving. This I don’t understand.The next day she moves in with her brother in law.(her deceased sister husband). She is sporting a 2 karot ring from him. She says he placed it on her finger to make her a honest woman. I told her you are not doing anything different now from when we were together. She says we are sleeping together and this makes it different. Also she says he is no longer her in law since her sister died. Am I missing something here on living together without sex.
Richard – One of the main points of this blog series is that a couple should wait until they get married before living together or having sexual relations. This is how God designed it, and anytime we break God’s commands we only hurt ourselves and other people in the process. I am sorry for the hurt you are experiencing right now, but I encourage you to see what you can learn from it. I believe if everyone involved in this situation had followed the simple principle of waiting until marriage, this hurt could have been avoided. I wish you all the best.
I don’t want to make you repeat everything about living together before marriage. I agree. My question is more about how to deal with this in my relationship.
Background: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. Both of us live separately at our parents house right now. I am looking for a teaching job, he is finishing school. We have talked openly about marriage and are basically just waiting on him to finish school (although I know that it’s still no guarantee). He was not religious but began going to church with me when we started dating and is taking baby steps. I failed us early on in our relationship by giving in to sexual temptation. I justified it in my head with the thought that God really just cares about our hearts, following rules is meaningless if our hearts are not with Him. I’ve since learned that a) that is NOT true, and b) my sin has slowly pulled me away so that my heart is fully not with Him anyway. A verse has been popping up in front of me repeatedly about how we show our love for God when we obey His commands. So I recently worked up the nerve to tell my boyfriend that I want to abstain until we are married. He is respectful of it even though he doesn’t agree because he doesn’t really know why it is wrong biblically.
The issue is, that while I said I didn’t want to live together before marriage (for all of the reasons you have already listed that I agreed with before I ever found this blog), he said he didn’t want to get married before he has lived with someone. So our compromise was that we will live together when we are engaged. Of course now, that I have recommitted to abstaining I don’t want to do this.
My question is more about how to deal with this. I’m afraid that if I keep laying all of this stuff on him it will only push him away from God out of anger. I know that his salvation is not my responsibility and I can’t let that be an excuse to do something that is wrong. But I wonder if I should just deal with the abstinence part right now and pray that God will begin to change his heart, or reveal to him why we shouldn’t live together. I’m so confused, I’ve been praying about that and I do feel like God is asking me to just wait and trust Him…but maybe I’m just hearing what I want to hear.
Your thoughts would be appreciated, I’m sorry this was so long.
Tammy – Sorry I am so late in responding to you. It sounds like you have taken some good steps in the right direction. Abstaining from sexual relations until marriage is the right decision. Not living together until you are married is also the right decision.
Your boyfriend says he doesn’t want to get married before he has lived with someone. That is a huge red flag warning to me. So, if he lives with you before getting married and doesn’t like it, does that mean you won’t get married? Then you have given even more away that God tells you to save for marriage.
I encourage you to stand firm on not living together until after you are married, not even during the engagement period. I suggest you show your boyfriend the statistics on living together before marriage and the Scriptures on living together before marriage. (Both links are at the top of this post.)
I also encourage you to consider your boyfriend’s commitment to Christ. Has he truly committed his life to Christ at this time? If not, then you should not be getting married at all.
You have some tough decisions ahead of you, and I encourage you to talk to your pastor and some Christian friends who are mature in their faith to help you make the right decisions and stand by them.