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Living Together Before Marriage Series:
● Statistics on Living Together Before Marriage
● Scriptures on Living Together Before Marriage
● Living Together Without Sex
● What If We Already Lived Together Before Marriage?
“The honeymoon was over before the wedding day ever arrived.” (See the testimony below.) Last month I posted some statistics on living together before marriage. Since then I have received a number of inquiries as to what the Bible says about living together. So in this post I would like to share some of the Biblical teaching about living together before marriage.
The statistics in last month’s post showed a high correlation between living together and undesirable outcomes. This should not be surprising, because the Bible has some strong things to say about living together. God is a loving God, and he gives us his commands for our protection. Those who choose not to live together before marriage will likely avoid many of the negative outcomes described in the earlier post. Here are some Scriptures on living together before marriage:
- Proverbs 14:12 – “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” This Scripture stands against the arguments, “Everyone is doing it. It’s the new way. It’s accepted in society.” That may all be true, but just because a path seems right doesn’t make it so.
- Ecclesiastes 3:1,5 – “There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven … a time to embrace and a time to refrain.” As the following Scriptures indicate, the right time for living together is after marriage — not the year before, not the month before, not the night before. There is a time to embrace, and a time to refrain.
- 1 Corinthians 6:18 – “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.” Living together almost always involves premarital sex. By living together before marriage, you dishonor both yourself and your partner.
- 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 – “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” This isn’t the place to get into why Paul recommends singleness over marriage in this particular passage. However, it is important to note that the Bible encourages a couple that is struggling with sexual temptation to marry rather than burn with passion. Of course, this assumes a couple that is ready for marriage. I recommend that all couples get good premarital counseling from a pastor or Christian counselor before getting married.
- Galatians 6:7-8 – “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” Although the original word in the Greek means “to sneer or to scorn,” the English word “mock” is instructive when it comes to living together. “To mock” means “to imitate, to pretend in order to deceive.” You can’t do that to God without consequences, and you can’t do that with marriage. Living together is literally a mockery or imitation of marriage in that it does not require a public commitment or lifetime vow of faithfulness.
- 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6 – “It is God’s will that you should … avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.” To “wrong” someone in this verse means “to exceed the proper limits.” To “take advantage” means “to defraud, or to take more than you’re entitled to.” It is the picture of someone who takes more than they should while selfishly disregarding the best interests of others. When we live together, we exceed the limits God has set for us. We take more than we’re entitled to.
- Hebrews 13:4 – “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” The marriage bed can only be kept pure when the sexual relationship is kept within marriage. Anything else brings God’s judgment. Do you love your partner? Then why would you invite God’s judgment into their life? Why would you willfully rob them of God’s blessing?
You will notice from these Bible verses that I am assuming couples who live together are also sexually involved. And I think in most cases that’s a pretty fair assumption. I will address the (much rarer) situation of couples who live together but are not sexually active in a later post. But let me end this post by sharing the testimony of a young woman that I think effectively sums up some of the major problems of living together before marriage.
I wish I could tell every young adult in America that you truly will reap what you sow. Living together may seem wonderful initially … but eventually it creates more problems than you can imagine. I lived with my boyfriend for two years before we got married. I knew I was breaking my parents’ hearts, as well as my Heavenly Father’s heart! My boyfriend was not a Christian, but I figured I could change him if we moved in together.
The “this-is-yours, that-is-mine” mentality that enabled us to “successfully” live together completely unraveled once we got married. We had become too separate and selfish, making it nearly impossible to become “one flesh.” The honeymoon was over before the wedding day ever arrived. (Excerpt from letter printed in “Family Feedback,” Focus on the Family, May 1994, p.23)
Do you have any thoughts or response to all this? Feel free to share them in the comments.
Check out the other posts in the Living Together Before Marriage series:
● Statistics on Living Together Before Marriage
● Scriptures on Living Together Before Marriage
● Living Together Without Sex
● What If We Already Lived Together Before Marriage?
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I have often thought that you can’t “practice” commitment. You either are. Or you are not. So, living together is not a good “trial run” for marriage. It doesn’t involve the “for better or for worse” no matter what part. Living together well proves, well, that you can live together well! To be married means that you are there in good times and bad, whether your spouse is healthy or ill, in a good mood or a bad one. The joy of being in a marriage is that you can count on the other to stick it out with you! (Obvious exceptions to this would be staying with a married spouse who beat and abused or who broke the marital bonds with infidelity…) Thanks for the Scriptural support for marriage, Ray!
When is the fourth post coming or have I missed it and can’t find it.
Julie – Thanks for asking! No, you didn’t miss it. The fourth post will be coming later this month (probably next week), and I will add the link to it on the other posts in the series once it has published.
Dear Ray, I appreciate your forthright position on unmarried couples
living under the same roof. I cannot argue with the verses you used. I lost my job and have no other place to stay. We have successfully abstained from sex and have no desire to go there for a year now. I am sleeping in my own bed in another bedroom for free right now. If this a sin in spite of my hopefully temporary financial dilemna,am I still sinning and out of fellowship with God because of this?. I’m stuck on this one. How bad of a sin is this?. I want to do the right thing and get my own place. Sleeping in the woods does not sound appealing. I don’t want to destroy my fellowship with Christ either.
Greg – Thanks for a great question. I am sorry to hear about your loss of employment. I hope you find work soon.
As I read your comment, it seems like you and your girlfriend are doing a lot of things right. You are committed to abstaining sexually, you are sleeping in separate bedrooms, you would prefer to have a place of your own, and you want to keep growing in fellowship with Christ. That is all good stuff.
The problem with living together before marriage (even without sex) is that it opens you up to continual temptation, it can hurt your Christian testimony, and it could have a negative effect on your relationship later on when you do get married.
I don’t believe God wants you to sleep in the woods
, but I don’t believe he wants you living together either. Are the two of you ready to get married yet? If not, have you checked with family, friends or church to see if someone may be able to put you up temporarily? Ask God if he can show you another way.
In the meantime, it sounds like you are doing the best you can in a difficult situation. Remember, God is a God of forgiveness and grace. If you continue to bring this to Christ in prayer, I believe God will honor your desire to do the right thing and will provide an answer for you.
I am currently living with my BF who is a non believer of Christ. I thought living with him would make him change his mind and see that it is the right thing to do. I have tried everything and he does not believe why we should rush marriage. Being a Christian, I feel guilty every day that goes by. I might have to just cut it off and take what I learned. I guess what they say is true ” why buy the cow if you are getting the milk for free.” The important thing is I learned and I will never do it again.
Chelle – Thanks for sharing your experience. As you are finding out, living with a non-Christian boyfriend rarely leads to marriage or to the boyfriend coming to Christ. More often, we end up in a dead-end situation that can cost us years of our lives. I would encourage you to take a step of faith and obedience by leaving this situation and committing to doing things God’s way in the future. Thankfully, God is loving and forgiving, and he never gives up on us.
I have a problem with the living together issue. My ex-husband and I are the only one who choose to marry before we moved in together. All our friends who lived together and purchased their home. My brother and his wife lived together and its like everyone that lives together first is still together. I and a few friends who married first are all divorced so i just think I will live with the person first and get moved in. I love the Lord and I think that he knows our hearts.
Lisa – You are basing a very important decision on a small sample of friends and acquaintances. I would encourage you to read the Scriptures in the post above again carefully. It sounds like you want to please the Lord with your decisions, and we please God by trusting and obeying his word, not by doing things our own way. It is sometimes hard to trust God when your experience seems to say otherwise, but let me leave you with these wise words from Proverbs:
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
All the best,
Ray
I ran across this site in Googling the Billy Graham museum for my parents. I just wanted to comment on this thread:
My boyfriend and I also lived together for a few years. I am a Christian, he was not. Like one of the comments before, I always had a guilty consious about living together. We got married and although we had a wonderful marriage, his salvation was always on my mind. Recently, at a new memebers class at our church, he accepted Christ. I am so happy that I now know that our 2-year old daughter has the love and support of TWO Christian parents!
Although it turned out great for us, we are the exception rather than the rule I believe. I definitely wouldn’t suggest being “unequally yoked” to someone as it does cause unnecessary turmoil in a relationship.
I think you can not base your comment on that your mate was unsaved and found the Lord. A lot of people who are saved and love the Lord live together and are happy. Many are still married today. sometimes people need to get their finances together and purchase a home etc. oor a job location in this economy. I don’t know why people think you can not live with someone and wait to be intimate until after the honeymoon. after dating somone for along time and then marrying only for it to fall apart I don’t think I will marry someone and then move in. I lost to much from that experience.
Jennifer – Thanks for sharing. I am glad to hear your husband accepted Christ. And I agree – the exception does not prove the rule. I know many Christian wives who are still praying for their husbands after many years.
Lisa – Let me respond to a number of your comments one by one. (I will put your comments in bold font and then respond in regular type.)
“A lot of people who are saved and love the Lord live together and are happy.” – Many people who live together are happy together. But I have to question whether these are people who truly love the Lord. Jesus said, “If you love me, you will obey what I command.” (John 14:15) Of course we all sin, but we cannot say that we love God when we are deliberately disobeying his commands.
“sometimes people need to get their finances together and purchase a home etc. oor a job location in this economy.” – Yes, but those are things that should be done before marriage or moving in together, not afterward or during.
“I don’t know why people think you can not live with someone and wait to be intimate until after the honeymoon.” – I have shared my thoughts about this at the post: Living Together Without Sex
“after dating somone for along time and then marrying only for it to fall apart I don’t think I will marry someone and then move in. I lost to much from that experience.” – I am sorry you had a bad experience with your first marriage. However, statistics show that choosing to live together first only hurts your chances for a successful marriage later. It seems tough enough to stay married in today’s culture without adding the extra stress of having lived together first.
From my own experiences I completely agree with not living together before marriage. In my personal case, I dated a guy and we both thought each other were Christians. After three months of dating, he proposed, everything was fine and dandy. However, soon outside influences created struggles in our relationship. And we soon agreed to move in together; where as before we said we would wait for marriage to move in and also keeping in good faith that we would also wait for marriage in regards to sex. I guess we thought that “moving in” would relieve the tensions of the outside world. However, things got really bad, so bad to the point of abuse. Even though we didn’t move in, and still have not had sex, the very thought of it has put our relationship on the rocks. Noticiably, our relationship has gotten way worse since the mention of moving in together. Personally I’ve learned that even thought of sin is bad as it is stated in the bible. Coming from someone who has always learnt the hard way, STICK TO THE RULES OF THE LORD!, His yoke is easy as it states in scripture, abstain from the very thought and appearance of evil.
Christine – Thanks for sharing. I pray God will guide you in your next steps as you seek to follow him.
Hi Ray,
I agree with the no living together before marriage, but I was wondering what your thoughts were on sleepovers. You see my fiancee and I live quite a distance apart, and while we have decided to wait for marriage to live together; sometimes it’s easier to have a sleepover then spending the time and money driving back and forth. I’m kinda stuck on this one. Keeping in good faith that we are waiting for marriage for everything; do you have any suggestions on where Christians should draw the line on this one. I realize that this is a somewhat seemingly difficult and personal question, but I was wondering what your opinion was on this type of matter and or if you know of any scripture in relation to this.
Christine – Thanks for a great question. I would still discourage couples from doing sleepovers, for the same reasons I posted in the third part of this series: Living Together Without Sex. Sleepovers expose you to unnecessary temptation, can damage your Christian testimony, and continue to trivialize the sacredness of living together in marriage.
When I used to visit my girlfriend at college and had to stay overnight (because of the distance involved), we always set it up that I slept in the dorm of one of the other guys on campus. This protected against the three T’s as stated above.
I hope that helps, and all the best with your situation.
Ray,
Thanks for the work you’ve done on this subject. I work with a gal who moved across the state to move in with her fiance. When I first met her and spoke with her, my first thought was “this gal could be a Christian.” Then I learned she was living with her boyfriend, and like you said in your post, it destroys testimony when unmarried couples are living together, so I just assumed she wasn’t a believer. After speaking more to her, I am pretty certain that she is a Christian, but obviously not following God’s plan.
My question is how do I know if I am to bring up the subject with her and confront this sin? I’m not sure if it is a sitution where I am to pray that God will reveal truth to her through the Holy Spirit or is it my reponsibilty to show her the truth of the Word.
Thanks.
Dave – Great question. First of all, start with prayer. You can never go wrong praying about a situation. Pray for God to reveal his truth to your friend, and pray for wisdom to know when and how to talk to her about it. You will usually need to have gained some level of friendship and trust with a person before you can approach them on such a sensitive topic.
When the time is right, I find it best to start by asking questions, like: “Are you a Christian? How long? Are you growing as a Christian? Do you attend church anywhere? You have shared with me in the past that you live with your boyfriend – what do you think God thinks about that? Would you be willing to look at some verses from the Bible that talk about living together and God’s plan for marriage?”
I hope that is helpful to you. Thank you for your concern for your friend, and I trust that God will give you the right words to say in his time.
The first verse that you refer to is actually Proverbs 14:12.
Thanks, Alex, I just corrected it. Funny, that post has been up eight months and you’re the first to catch it.
Well my boyfriend and I are one of those “rare cases” that you talked about. We are BOTH Christians and we are living together but are not involved sexually. But before we moved in together we were having sex outside of marriage and continued awhile after moving in together, but have since stopped and asked God to forgive us. It has been an entire year now since we have refrained from it. But I have been thinking about the “living together” part alot lately, did a search on the subject and came across your blog. Here is our situation… A year ago we moved from PA to FL together with a friend of ours. For 4 years, all 3 of us were feeling strongly that it was His will for us to move to FL. Therefore after praying about it all that time we finally had enough money to move and so we did. Now we’ve been going to a new church that we found and I started questioning to myself… “What will they think about us living together before marriage?” That is why I have been troubled over it lately. I have yet to direct my issue to anyone at the church but plan to. In the meantime I ask you… Is it wrong for a Christian couple that has relocated to a new state, and doesn’t know anyone else there but ourselves – to live together? We solely moved down here out of faith and are currently drawing closer to God. We are both attending schools that we believe God lead us to and cannot afford to live separately in such an expensive state to live in. So the 3 of us share a house together and split the rent. And I want to mention that our roommate is also a male. So I am a young woman living with 2 men, one being my boyfriend. Is this wrong if we are trying to follow God’s will, going to church, tithing, etc. But are “living together” without sex. I have believed up to this point that there was nothing wrong with it because “you can’t hide” from God what you are doing and He knows that we are now being pure, and “sees” everything that we are doing on a daily basis. He also knows our hearts and knows that we are planning to be married after we both finish school. But you have brought up some very interesting points with the Scripture so could you offer us any advise?
Thanks-Kristy
Hi Kristy,
Thanks for sharing your situation. And congrats to you and your boyfriend for wanting to do things right and seeking God’s will.
In answer to your question, I do not think it is good or wise for you and your boyfriend to be living in the same place, even with another roommate around. I have shared some of the reasons for this in the follow-up post in this series (What If We Already Lived Together Before Marriage?).
I am a firm believer that when we seek to do the right thing, God will open up the way for us. I believe if you and your boyfriend commit to finding a way to live apart, God will show you what to do. I would suggest talking to your pastor about your situation, as there may be some people in the church who would be willing to help you find a better living situation.
As far as planning to get married after school, please know that our best of plans often change, and until you both actually commit to each other in marriage, anything can happen. In the meantime, the best thing you both can do is seek to honor God in the way you live your lives now, and then trust God to lead you to his next steps.
I wish you both all the best, and pray that God will give you the direction that you seek.
Dear Kristy – We have been able to open our home six times in the past to young women from our church in situations just like yours. Absolutely check with the people in your church. We are still in touch with most of the women we had in our home and we were soooo blessed by them! May God lead you to someone who is willing to offer you a reasonable alternative.
I have been dating a Christian man for over a year now. I, myself, am not a Christian. I don’t want to be the one to divert him from his beliefs for I think they are very important.
That said, my beliefs state that I am to live with a man before making the commitment of marriage. What would be the best solution here, short of breaking up?
Mae – Thank you for your question. I am glad that you wish to respect the beliefs of the man you are dating. That is very important. Of course, where you both have very different beliefs when it comes to living together, this poses a real problem.
However, I would venture that this is just the tip of the iceberg. If the man you are dating is a Christian, then his entire life is committed to God through Jesus Christ. Christ is the very center of his life. The two of you would be entering into a marriage where you could not share the most important thing in your husband’s life. Another major difficulty is that the Bible instructs a believer only to marry another believer. In other words, as things stand, you could not in fact marry him without compromising his beliefs.
I hate to say it, but it sounds like the two of you have irreconcilable differences, and it would be wise to reconsider your relationship until something changes. I know, probably not the answer you wanted to hear! I am so sorry. Please take care and know that I will be praying for you.
God bless,
Ray
Won’t make this long.
I am not a young person living with their boyfriend.
I am 53 and he is 46.
We met at church.
We have been living together 2 years.
I want to get married, as of November he said “It’s not out of the picture, just not right now”.
I am out of work, no family or friends..I have one friend but if I live with her it would look like a “gay couple”. I don’t want that.
I see me as stuck between a rock and a hard place.
He considers us as “common law”, our state doesn’t recognize that.
It is slowing killing me…it does stand between me and God.
I don’t like it. But what do I do, where do I go. I’ve been praying and fasting and I don’t know what to do.
I’m old, old tired, and seem to be getting depressed, where is God?
Donna – Thank you for sharing your story. My heart aches with you and for you. You say you met your live-in at church. I would suggest first that you both talk to your pastor about your situation. If your live-in won’t go, then you go talk to your pastor. If you are in a good, Bible-teaching church, he should be able to give you godly, biblical counsel.
God is there, but he is under no obligation to bless our wrong decisions, and living together before marriage is a wrong decision. I only see two ways forward. Either you get married or you move apart, but you cannot go on living the way you are now.
I know you are hesitant to move in with your other friend, but if she is willing that seems to me a much better situation than the one you are now in. Perhaps if you take that first step of obedience in faith by moving out, God will be ready to show you the next steps for your life.
I pray that God will guide you in making good and right decisions going forward. Feel free to email me if you have any further questions that you would rather not post on the blog.
Great stuff here.I’m doing a paper on marriage vs. cohabitaion. I’m glad to have found this site and perspective.
Thanks, Hollie. All the best with your paper.
I know this is an old post but I will still reply:
Living together before marriage, people say, is a test drive to kind of get the feel for how things will be when or if they get married. Also, they might be in a financial hardship. However, there is no trust in God because if there was, you wouldn’t try to fix things on your own. That’s like saying: “I know God can change any situation, but let me just do this so I can feel better right now.” Exactly where is the trust? And people have sex before marriage, this is true, but acknowledge that it is indeed wrong. Learn to fully trust in God, not just halfway, and you will be blessed regardless. If anything at least be engaged, and even then, I would still say wait.. you never know what could happen between the engagement and the actual marriage. Save yourself some heartache and just obey God. It’s the least you can do.
BriBri – It may be an older post, but it still gets a lot of traffic, and it’s great to keep the conversation going. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
i am a christian a a beleiver i have gone to my fiance house so many times and he has touch my body but we did not have sex and he even kissed my lips is good or bad so that i will know on how to treat him
my fiace is also a beleiver in church and we will be getting married in december
chi rose – Congratulations on your upcoming wedding in December. I am glad that you and your fiance are both Christian believers and go to church. I am also glad that you are seeking to honor God in your relationship.
It is important as believers not only that you abstain from sex before marriage, but also that you avoid temptation and do not cause each other to stumble. This will mean different things for different people, but it certainly means that your fiance should not touch your body in a sexual way.
I would recommend that you both talk to your pastor about your plans to marry and seek his guidance and counsel. Also, you could both read through the Scriptures in the post above and talk about what they mean for your relationship between now and the wedding.
I wish you all the best, and thank you for commenting.
Hello Again…
I have a post above from back in Feb. A lot has happened since I posted and wanted to give an update.
Here’s a bit of a recap…
I was living with my boyfriend Peter and we had relocated to FL from PA because of a calling by God to do so. Because of expenses we were living together and continued after we relocated. We had every intension of getting married after we both finished at our separate schools we attend here in FL. We have been seeking God’s will for our lives and trying to draw closer to him as a couple, but didn’t think that God cared that we “lived together” because he knew what was in our hearts about “getting married” and we weren’t sinning sexually. After starting to go to a new church here in South Florida we started feeling that there were things in our lives that needed to be dealt with. And I started worrying about the church’s reaction to us living together. I did some research on the subject and came across this blog. After reading everything over I really felt we were in trouble and didn’t know what to do. So I posted about it. That’s when Ray responded to my post and said that we should try to find a way to “live separately”.
I’ll admit it upset me a little and I thought to myself… How can we do that when we BOTH live off of Peter’s income and EVERYTHING is already in BOTH of our names, the lease, bank accounts, car registration, car payment, etc. It just seemed like that was not the solution for us. So we started praying about it and God revealed to us that He in fact did not want us to separate at this point. He started showing us signs that He wanted us to get married now and not wait any longer! We have been dating for 3 years and have known each other for 5 years so to get married at this point did not seem like we’d really be “rushing” it. Then I remembered that a couple months earlier I had asked myself about waiting to get marriage until after we graduated from school. I asked myself, if we still didn’t have the money to get married, how long could we be waiting just to have enough money to get married? So then just for a second I thought to myself, “we could go to the JP now and have the bigger wedding later like we planned in the first place.” But I just shrugged it off and never thought about it again until after everything else started happening. So we kept praying about it and asked God to help us make sure we were hearing right. And that is when different people started telling us that they thought we should get married without telling anybody anything. I was emailing the Pastor’s wife of the old church Peter grew up in and never mentioned anything about us “maybe getting married.” She emailed me and said exactly what I was already thinking about going to the JP now and having a bigger wedding later! We took this as the final sign we needed to know that God definitely wanted us to get married. Even our new Pastor agreed that God was telling us to get married. So on April 27th we had a small private wedding in our local park where we live and are very happy now. Peter was just so excited when I told him about it in the first place and he is so proud of that ring on his finger!
It’s so cute.
God is definitely moving in our lives in a BIG way! He is now leading us to get more involved with the ministry at our church and we are very excited about what He has in store for our lives.
So my advice to everyone is to always seek out God’s will for your lives no matter what your situation is and He will let you know exactly what to do. Trust in the Lord and you will be Blessed!
Thanks so much for being part of this great discovery in our lives and God Bless.
Take care:
Kristy
Congratulations, Kristy! It was fun, as a regular reader of this blog, to hear how God led you to get married. May He bless you greatly as you two serve Him as a family together.
Kristy – Thank you for coming back and updating us on your story. It is a good reminder that sometimes — not always — God’s solution for two people living together before marriage is simply to get married. (Although I believe they should still move apart until they do get married.) Congratulations on your wedding, and all the best for a long and happy marriage centered on Christ. God is the best!
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years, and right now he lives in Louisiana and I live in Michigan. We recently have talked about living together in about a year after I graduate. The apartments in LA are expensive and would be economically “smart” to split the cost of living with each other. We are both Christians, and abstain from having sex. However, I feel that it’s not right to live in the same house, because it would be like you are pretending to be married, only you are not. We do plan on getting married down the road, but with the distance separating us for what will be a year and half, I just really want to be with him all the time. And, if we do end up getting two separate apartments when I move there, we will be spending all of our time together. So, it only seems logical to get one place…but I know that’s not right…
I’m so very confused, and I don’t know what to say to him when he asks me about it. If we live together for the right reasons, and don’t have sex, and all of our friends know the reasons behind it, then is it still bad? I don’t want to make any mistakes and keep God at the center of our relationship. Any advise about this would be extremely grateful. Thank you
Mary Beth – I would encourage you to stick to your guns and refuse to move in together before marriage. You seem to know in your heart that it’s not right, and I would advise you and your boyfriend to both make the commitment not to live together before marriage. I understand the financial reasoning (I hear it from young couples all the time), but you really need to follow God’s way first, and then trust God to work out the financial details.
I also understand that you want to be together all the time, but that is what marriage is for. If you can’t wait to be together all the time, perhaps you should look at getting married sooner rather than later. But don’t make the mistake of trying to enjoy all the benefits of marriage without making the commitment of marriage first. If you and your boyfriend are going to get married someday, you need to lay a strong, moral foundation that will prepare you for a lifetime together. A shortcut is a shortcut, and it will only hurt you in the long run.
I hope that helps! I wish you and your boyfriend all the best as you seek to follow God’s way in your lives.
I really appreciate the reply. Maybe I should start lifting weights…so to speak…
Mary Beth – You’re welcome — all the best!
Ray,
I just came across your site and read a few postings. I’m in a similar situation like most on here. I’ve been living with my boyfriend, we are both of faith. He’s Catholic i’m Christian. We want to get married, we are in sexual sin. I never planned on it at first to move in together but it happend due to my family moving to a different state and me studying in college near home. One summer I had no where to go and he was my only source. My mother lived somewhat close, alittle far but was unstable(long story). Anyhow we have been living together for 2 or 3 yrs now. I have recently had a reawaking of guilt to living together. I know God does not want this and it tears me up inside but we can’t refrain because the temptation is great. We would gladly just get married now but theres another problem. He’s not a legal citizen and we have heard that marrying in the states could conflict with his chances of getting his papers. Nowdays they aren’t giving papers to anyone, not like before when people could do this. Our plans for the near future are for him to have his papers so we can make a life here in the states and or in his home country with the freedom of going back and forth.
I was recently trying to find a priest or pastor that would marry us. However what I wanted was just the ceremony and not the liciense because that would be on our records. Can a priest or pasture just perform the rites of marriage and the nupital blessing without a liciense? Will God Bless this and count it as a blessing even though it’s not recognized by the state? We would eventually have a church/civil wedding in his home country . Please help. And if you know Priests that do this give me some contacts or links please.
By the way him and I live like we are married. We’ve been together about 5 yrs, living together like 3. I’ve seen him in bad times and in good. Helped him get through major surgery, he’s helped me in my sickness too.. theres love there, I just wonder if marrying now is possible without all the conflicts.
Sonia – Thank you for writing and asking your question. The answer is no, a pastor or priest cannot perform the ceremony and give the wedding blessing without the actual marriage taking place. Marriage is a public commitment resulting in a legal relationship. Without the license it is no different than living together. If the only thing holding you up is your boyfriend’s legal status, I would check with an attorney on that. I was not aware that marrying a U.S. citizen could jeopardize a person’s potential citizenship. (In fact, I always thought it was a help!)
I would also encourage you to talk to your pastor. The Bible says you should not marry someone outside of your faith. You say your boyfriend is Catholic and you are Christian. I guess I would ask, are you both trusting in Jesus Christ alone for salvation and seeking to follow him as Lord? If only one of you is following Christ, then you should not be getting married.
I know this is all very difficult as you have invested so much of your lives in each other and have now lived together for these past years as well. You have shared that you know this is wrong. I would encourage you to start making right decisions right away, no matter how tough those decisions are. Trust God to help you in those decisions, and I beleive he will show you the next steps.
I wish you all the best, and feel free to email me if you have questions you would rather not post on a public site. God bless!
Ray,
I would appreciate some sound advice on my situation.
I have been with my fiancee for almost 3 years and we have a child together. We are completely committed to each other- however financial struggles has made it impossible for us to wed at this time. He is trying to pay down massive amounts of debt his ex wife had incurred while my house etc is paid for. I also have other children from a previous marriage that I am raising. If we married now, I would have no medical coverage for any of our children, be assuming his debts, and im sure you are aware how bad the economy is right now. I am barely keeping my head above water as it is. He has made several attempts to find a job with health insurance, but they do not pay as well as the job he has now that is helping pay off his debts. I am asking the Lord to please help me find a way to be married in his eyes without jeopardizing the health and home of my entire family. Do you have any suggestions?
Cass – Thanks for writing and sharing your situation. It sounds like you are a believer who wants to do what is right. I don’t know the solutions to your financial difficulties, but I do know that it is not right for you and your fiance to be living together before marriage, especially when there are children in the house whom you are teaching by example.
So you need to bite the bullet and start there. If you are not married, you should not be living together. If you and your fiance will both start there, and commit to that principle, and commit to acting on it no matter the cost, then I believe God will show you the next step.
What will that next step be? I don’t know. It could be you get married. It could be your fiance moves in with a friend until you get married. It could be this is not the right person for you to marry. (I know, that one hurts, but until you get married, that one is always a possibility.) What I do know is that you cannot ask God to bless your current situation, but if you take a step of faith and obedience, you can trust God to bless that. I would also encourage you to talk to your pastor, and see what counsel he can offer.
I hope that helps, and I pray that your fiance will be open to following God’s way along with you. God bless, and all the best.
I’m a South African. I am/was a believer. I’m engaged to a loving man who loves the Lord but when we met 4 years ago he was not a Christian. We have a 2 year old child together. We are both non-Caucasian. I’m black and he is of “mixed-blood.” We live together and are soon to be married. My family is not in support of our relationship or marriage but we are going ahead with it anyway.
If you don’t mind may I please share the events as to how I arrived at the place where I am today. This is my story: I was a happy, on-fire intecessor, Bible-carrying, devil-stomping, tongue-speaking believer 9 years ago. I prayed for people and the Lord came through for them. I was happy in the ministry but I wanted companionship. Being the intercessor that I was, I prayed and fasted and remained pure because I wanted the Lord to bless me with His “own handpicked man” for me. I prayed a very specific prayer, I even went as far as describing what he looked like and his personality. Not long after that I met a young man at church and we went on a few dates. We had so much in common, no that’s not close to describing it. He was my soulmate. He was who I would be if I were a man. He was such a beautiful person, inside and out. I finished his sentences for him, our connection superceded the norm. It was the ultimate relationship. The Lord did not go half-way for me, or so I thought.
Anyway, out of the blue, he told me he’s never had a relatioship like the one we had. He’s never had anybody understand him like the way I did, it actually “freaked” him out. He said he expected a series of pre-marital counselling with me, but there would be nothing to work on, seeing that the relationship was “way too perfect”. I tried to tell him that I had been praying for years for such a man as he and I told him what I prayed about. He just couldn’t shake the feeling. Eventually he dropped me after 3 months. It felt like the ultimate betrayal of my life.
How could I ever believe God again? The very “answer” to my prayer rejected me. His friends tried to convice me that he had other issues that were stressing him at the time, he just didn’t want to burden me with them. I was angry with God for a long time after that. I dropped my church activities as I felt as if I had missed God completely. I eventually became disillusioned with God and couldn’t hide my disappointment. I carried on with life and after 5 years of celibacy, I met another guy (my fiance)who was interested in knowing all about me. Over the years whenever a guy would try to come onto me, I would start preaching and telling them about the Lord even though I hadn’t set foot at church for years, just to get them to leave me alone. And it worked all the time except for him. He just couldn’t get enough of it. We met on my way home from work and we would walk together and I would share the word of God with him. We went on a few dates but I still didn’t think much of him. He then challenged me to take him to church on sunday since he hadn’t been to church since he was a little boy. He got born-again that sunday when I took him to church and I was happy for him. We then started to go steady and although he was a new Christian, I guess by just seeing the way I related to God, his faith didn’t develop much.
He proposed when our son was born and we then made a decision to move in together, in view that we’ll get married in a few month’s time and my mother almost disowned me. In South Africa, black people can be Chrisitian and still observe cultural traditions. One of those traditions is the dowry payment from the guy’s family to the girl’s family, if there is to be any marriage happening. In my opinion I think it’s very hypocrititcal. I thought when gentiles accept Chritst they are to leave behind all that’s associated with ancestoral worship, gods and cultural customs that do not align with the word of God. So I’m in a black skin, with different views from my family and in a relationship with a guy who’s family background is one that’s not “cultured”. I can’t expect him to pay the dowry if that’s not part of his culture/family custom. Even if he does want to pay the dowry, I will not allow it because I don’t believe in the practice. Please understand, in South Africa, black people don’t just pop the question and announce their engagement. I know that Jacob paid a dowry for Rachel by working 7 years. It was not in monetary form. If the dowry was any other sign of appreciation, then maybe I would reconsider. In anycase, in biblical times, the dowry was not meant to co-join the two families ancestors, which is the essence of this practice in South Africa. I just don’t want to carry the generational curses of divorce and infidelity into my marriage. If that means my mother’s “blessing” would pass me over, then so be it. She is divorced, her 2 sisters are divorced, her own mother is divorved and her grandmother is divorved. How many generations is that???
Yes I may have defiled myself by moving in with a man who’s not my husband. I get the sermon of “the woman at the well” all the time at family gatherings. Because of this dowry issue, my fiance and I almost broke up. But we went for councelling outside the church and read books relating to relationships and marriage. That helped a lot and it even drew us much closer the Lord. I know this sounds very contradictory but a lot of things in life are. Like the notion of Christians calling Passover Easter, naming it after a pagan goddess Ishtah. If I choose to go ahead and get married without dowry, I could be disowned by my family. I love my fiance, he loves me and I believe what we have could never be quantified into monetary value. Unfortunately, the church in South Africa is silent about the dowry issue. That is why there is a high number of unmarried single mothers and people living in sin in the church. Those who are “brave” ultimately stop attending church and marry without dowry, but that also comes with a high price to pay. Being shunned by your own family, being seen as a “lesser” wife by your in-laws, being looked down upon by society. What I did find is that those couples who live together are still happily in love than those who chose to “do the right thing”. I don’t know how that works. A few years back my mother would update me about good Christian girls who married good Christian guys and how blessed their children would be because they are born in wedlock. She has stopped singing that tune because some of those couples are getting divorced citing irreconcilable differences, one of the “good” Christian guys were found to have made another girl pregnant just before he got married… and all these people are in the church. At least I have the decency not to dishonour the house of God. And I get the flack for what – choosing not “to do things the right way” but having a relationship that’s working.
In a months time my “fiance” and I will be getting married by law and I don’t expect a large turn out at the wedding. I don’t expect my family to show up and I’ve made peace with it. At the end I’m marrying the man I love, the man who loves me for who I am. Do I feel guilty about my living arrangement? NOT AT ALL! It’s a bit hard to explain how I finally arrived to this peaceful state. Am I still angry with God? NOT AT ALL.
I don’t think I deserve the title CHRISTIAN seeing that I break a few pointers, I would not call them laws or rules. I do read the bible, I do tithe (with money or whatever else I may have, be it food, clothing, time if I don’t have cash. Matthew 25:35-36), I believe in the law of recieving: Luke 6:38, Malachi 3:8, I do believe in Jesus, and I believe He is the Son of the living God, I observe Passover (I prefer not to call it Easter and glorify a pagan godess) and celebrate the birth of Jesus (just not on the 25th December, which was a date originally set for a pagan festival). Call me what you think, maybe I’m very decieved I don’t know. But this is my journey, I found that my life and health are much better since I’ve made peace with myself about my living arrangement. A few people already think we are an examplary Christian couple, although I do tell them the truth and they get the shock of their lives. I believe I will have a solid, intimate and healthy marriage because from the on-set, there were no illusions or delusions about what makes a relationship work.
Ebony-Ivory Union – Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you have walked a very difficult path, and I am sorry for the pain in your past and the present conflict in your family. I can’t really comment on the cultural issues as they are so different from my experience. I would encourage you to seek God first and to agree with what he says in his word. He gave it to us for a reason. I wish you all the best, and pray that God will help you and your new husband to grow closer to each other as you each grow closer to him. God bless, Ray.
hi..im michelle 26 years of age. i am now living in with my boyfriend for almost a 3years now. we meet at the office then after 2 years we decided to live in. I am so much loss now, i feel that he is taking me for granted and he always get drunk after office hours. he says he just drink with a friend then he will come home for 12midnight. i am at the house 6pm then waiting fir him, i tried to exoalin to him what i really feel averynight he came home drunk. but still he continue what he wants. i dont see any problem with our relationship its just that he is too much alcoholic. i dont know what to do, its almost 5years now beng with him. im stuck!! i do love him but i cannot accept until now his attitude but the truth i cannot leave him still after all those probles, fights we had..please do help me..
Michelle – I am so sorry to hear of your situation. You are in a bad relationship, and I would encourage you to get out. First of all, you should not be living together. And secondly, you should not marry someone with a drinking problem. I know five years is a lot of time invested, but the longer you stay in this relationship, you will lose even more years in sadness. I encourage you to talk to your family or church for support, and then get out of this relationship immediately.
So I have a question about my situation. My fiance and I have been living together for about 4 years now. When we first got together we did not have the best relationship with the lord. we were sexually active and ended up having are daughter. she is 3 now and both of us have came closer with the lord and have been getting alot of judgement for having a kid and living together and not being married yet. and its taking a toll on my fiance. I dont want to live apart for my daughters. I dont think she would understand it if we didnt live in the same house. we are getting married in november. and we have been through alot. I am in the military and was deployed for 2 years of are relationship. but we are now stronger in each other and the lord now than we ever have been. but I am tired of people judging us and want to know what to say to my fiance to help her out. I would appriciate any insite. thank you
SGT Powers
Phillip – I am glad you and your fiance are growing in the Lord and are moving toward marriage. But you should still not be living together. If you are going to get married, and you already have a child, I would encourage you to get married now rather than later. Don’t wait until November. Go to a Justice of the Peace now (this week?!?!), get married, and make it right. You can always have a big ceremony later affirming the lifetime decision you and your wife have made together in marriage.
ray..thank you so much for the advice..i know it is not good to marry a man with a drinking problem,but until now i do believe that he will change for me. But i also know that i could never accept his drinking problem im so much lost now..we always have fight every night because he always come home late..we are a believer but not totally a church goer..plss do pray for me!! thank you again..