Welcome Blogging Expertise readers!

Yes, it’s true. I just won 5th prize in the Clever Blogging T-Shirt contest put on by Sarah Lewis over at Blogging Expertise. I feel like Ralphie’s dad in A Christmas Story: “It’s not just a lamp. It’s a Major Award. I won it!”

My winning t-shirt slogan was this: “Don‘t stop me now, I‘m on a blog roll.” You can check out the other winning entries here. My prize?

Ray will receive Organic Body Wash, Organic Lip Balm and Organic Insect Repellent. (Provided by Tennille Chambers’ Organic Lifestyle Income Opportunity.)

Hmmm, I think I will put these on the same shelf as the Cherry Blossom Shower Gel. 🙂

Thank you, Sarah, for running such a fun contest and for providing such an excellent blog for your readers! And thank you, Tennille, for the great prizes!

1. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
2. I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”
3. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Yes, but not in a row.”
4. Borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
5. I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
6. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
7. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
8. Half the people you know are below average.
9. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.

Other Posts in the Series:

• Ten Steven Wright Jokes (1)
• Ten Steven Wright Jokes (2)
• Ten Steven Wright Jokes (3)
• Ten Steven Wright Jokes (4)
• Ten Steven Wright Jokes (5)

Overheard from another pastor:

We know from the Bible that Jesus healed Peter’s mother-in-law. Some think this may be the reason why Peter later denied Christ.

(With apologies to all you great mothers-in-law out there – especially mine!)

Here is a graph showing the chances of a man winning an argument while dating, during engagement, and then after marriage.

I don’t know. I tried to convince my wife that this is true, but she said, “No way!” so I guess she must be right.

HT: Bradley Wright

Who says you need long-term counseling? Bob Newhart (a.k.a. Dr. Switzer) can counsel you about all your problems in 5 minutes or less. Check out his amazing 5-minute counseling technique in this video.

(Video length: 6:16)

Just for the record, you may want to know that I do not model my own counseling style after Bob’s.

HT: MMI
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HT: That Was Funny

Okay, all you non-conformist sneaker-lovers out there. If you have been searching for that “new look” for your sneakers, check out these 15 different ways to lace up your shoes. Professor Shoelace (Ian Fieggen) gives you detailed instructions for each method, complete with diagrams and photos. Learn how to lace 15 different patterns, including: the Ladder, the Zipper, the Sawtooth, the Lattice, the Checkerboard, and the very cool Hidden Knot.

Visit Ian’s Shoelace Site for more information about shoelaces than you ever dreamed existed (including how to tie a foolproof knot).

HT: Lifehack

I found this story about a college student who got a zero on a 100 question True/False Communications Final amusing. His professor sent him the following email the next day:

Dear Michael,

Every year I attempt to boost my students’ final grades by giving them this relatively simple exam consisting of 100 True/False questions from only 3 chapters of material. For the past 20 years that I have taught Intro Communications 101 at this institution I have never once seen someone score below a 65 on this exam. Consequently, your score of a zero is the first in history and ultimately brought the entire class average down a whole 8 points.

There were two possible answer choices: A (True) and B (False). You chose C for all 100 questions in an obvious attempt to get lucky with a least a quarter of the answers. It’s as if you didn’t look at a single question. Unfortunately, this brings your final grade in this class to failing. See you next year!

May God have mercy on your soul.

Sincerely,
Professor William Turner

P.S. If all else fails, go with B from now on.   B is the new C.

So, have you ever just filled in the answers at random on a multiple choice test?

Update: Here is a picture of the student’s actual test. Notice the T and F printed prominently over the A and B columns.

HT: Wandering Ink.

Here are four ways on how to get rid of your pastor (from Richard W. De Haan, Your Pastor and You):

1. Say “Amen!” once in a while, and he’ll preach himself to death.
2. Encourage him and brag on his work, and he’ll probably work himself to death.
3. Offer to help out with the ministry of the church and request the name of a person with whom you could go share the Gospel – your pastor just might die of heart failure.
4. Get the church to unite in prayer for the preacher, and he’ll soon become so effective that a larger church will take him off your hands.

DeHaan concludes the list by saying: “If we terminated more apathy and fewer pastors, we would see greater results.”

Okay, everyone. You’ve read the list. Now go get rid of your pastor!

Related post: You Might Be a Pastor If …

1. I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
2. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
3. I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “Yes”.
4. I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
5. If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
6. In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “Cut it out.”
7. When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child … eventually.
8. It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
9. I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
10. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Other Posts in the Series:

• Ten Steven Wright Jokes (1)
• Ten Steven Wright Jokes (2)
• Ten Steven Wright Jokes (3)
• Ten Steven Wright Jokes (4)
• Ten Steven Wright Jokes (5)

Finally Master Yoda can fight someone closer to his own size!

Related posts:

• Star Wars Pumpkins
• Yoda Promotes Small Groups
• Tim Keller and Darth Vader
• Darth Vader Plays a Mean Harmonica
• George Lucas Syndrome

(From Flickr.   HT: Challies)

As a fellow pastor, I got a chuckle out of Mark Roberts’ blog this morning. He mentions going to the Open House at his daughter’s school last night and seeing an oversized “No Whining” badge hanging on the wall.

How great! I wish I had a few of these, both to wear and to hand out to others. Yes, sometimes even I need to be reminded not to whine.

But now I’ve got to stop blogging and get back to finishing my sermon for this weekend. I always have to do a sermon. My church maaaakes me. It isn’t fair. Nobody else at church has to do a serrrmon. And they want a good one too. Every week. Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Okay pastors, you’ve heard your word for today. Quit your whining and get back to your sermons – and I’ll get back to mine!