Top Ten Criticisms from a Church

Church Growth posts a humorous list of the Top Ten Criticisms from a Church, with a response from the deacon board (since everyone ran the pastor off).

We, the deacons of the church, have listed the top ten criticisms of our church and have decided upon the following solutions for these complaints:

  1. “I want more depth in the sermons”: For all sermons we will read the Hebrew and Greek manuscripts, therefore everyone in the congregation will be required to take Hebrew and Greek classes. Since these languages require constant study and usage, each member will be required to take these classes until they die.
  2. “Nobody noticed when I was gone for three weeks”: From now on, each member of the congregation will be required to have placed on their ankle a tracking device so that we will know where they are at all times, including when they are at the lake, at the golf course, hunting, etc. Also, each member will be required to bring a doctor’s note stating that the member was actually sick and had an excuse for being out of church. The church will also start to use the phone tree system to give everyone a wake-up call on Sunday mornings so that they can get to church on time.
  3. “Nobody cares about how I feel”: From now on, we will have a psychiatrist/psychologist/Christian counselor (the member will choose) available on Sunday mornings to help each member understand more about their feeling that no one cares about them. In addition, each member will be required to start caring for others in the congregation.
  4. “I don’t know everybody anymore”: From now on each member of the congregation will be required to memorize the names and faces of each member of the congregation, including each new member that joins hereafter. Also, each member will be required to wear a photo i.d. for identification purposes.
  5. “The choir doesn’t sing my kind of music”: From now on, there will be no more choir or congregational singing but each seat in the sanctuary will be equipped with an IPOD and headphones to listen to your favorite type of Christian music during the worship service.

You can visit Church Growth for the rest of the list. (I especially like the wave pool in the baptistery idea on number 9.) As with all effective humor there is a lot of truth mixed into this list. Do you ever get criticisms about your church? How do you handle it?


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