8 Great Family Rules to Help Any Home
June 12, 2007
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Posted by Ray Fowler
Every home should have its own set of family rules. Family rules simplify explanations, clarify expectations, and create a safe environment for your children and their friends. We have our list of family rules taped to the refrigerator. I copied this list down a long time ago from somewhere, and these rules have served our family well over the years.
FAMILY RULES LIST
1. Tell the truth.
2. Treat each other with respect.
- no yelling
- no hitting
- no kicking
- no name-calling
- no put-downs
3. No arguing with parents.
- We want and value your input and ideas, but arguing means you have made your points more than once.
4. Respect each other’s property.
- Ask permission to use something that doesn’t belong to you.
5. Do what Mom and Dad say the first time.
- without complaining or throwing a fit!
6. Ask permission before you go somewhere.
7. Put things away that you take out.
8. Look for ways to be kind and helpful to each other.
We have also made it clear to our children that the family rules follow them wherever they go. These are not just rules for them to follow at our house. They are family rules. Our children represent our family wherever they go, and we expect them to behave accordingly.
(Updated 12/26/2008: Thanks to commenter G.H. below, I have located the source for this list. It comes from the book New Skills for Frazzled Parents: The Instruction Manual That Should Have Come With Your Child, by Daniel G. Amen, p. 67.)
What do you think about having a list of family rules? Do you have a similar list in your home? How has having such a list been helpful to you (or not)?
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Related post: To Spank or Not To Spank
Categories: Children, Family
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Here are some of ours: For husband and wife, talk about any expenditure over an agreed upon amount with the other. Honor your commitments in the order they were made. When explaining an argument with a sibling, explain what YOU did wrong,not what they did wrong. We had two kids, so one daughter got to “win” on the odd days of the month (the 1st, 3rd, 5th, etc.) and the other daughter got to “win” on the even days. “Whose day is it?” became a common phrase in our house and solved a multitude of dilemmas from who got to pray at mealtimes (they both wanted to) and who got to use the family car (big surprise here – they both wanted to) I’d love to hear other family rules, too!
I agree, Ray! Rules make it easier to know what is expected and to understand what is valued in the home.
It’s also very important, in the case for young children, to keep the number of rules to a minimum. 8 is a good number. Too many rules and no one can remember them all. Too many rules and no one is having any fun, either.
Our family rules are very similar to yours. My real struggle comes with enforcing the rules and being consistent.
In my family (kids aged 7, 5, and 3) we use three rules:
1. Obey quickly.
2. Always tell the truth.
3. Don’t hurt your siblings or anyone else on purpose.
It’s not perfect, but they were easy for the kids to remember when they were younger.
Sharon, Leslie and John,
Great comments – thanks!
Anyone else?
Our first child is just about to turn one (I can’t believe how fast it has gone), so we don’t have any rules as yet. These suggestions are really helpful in setting up own family rules…thanks.
Nath (Nathan?),
Congratulations on an important milestone. It’s been a long time since we have had a one-year-old in the house. Those are great days, and yes, it does go fast!
All the best,
Ray
My husband and I both had children before we were married and this is a constant struggle for us. Our children 10 and 4 have grown up very differently. My husband’s 10 year old has rules at his mother’s house that differ from the rules at our house. My four year old has been raised in a strict household where listening doing what he was told and manners have been the main focus. Separately they are terrific children both unique and special in their own ways yet when they are together our home turns into a free-for-all. They fight they scream they don’t listen the list is just never ending. What was a peaceful quiet environment becomes a battle zone. My husband’s reaction to this is just that they are kids and that they will grow out of it and that they themselves need to find a way to live together. Yet I can’t help to think that the upheaval that takes place when our children are together is unraveling 4 solid years of strict discipline for my 4 year old. My husband has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to impose rules on his 10 year old because he doesn’t feel that it is necessary since he is not often in our home. There has to be a place where we can meet in the middle. I have suggested on numerous occasions that my husband needs to sit down with his x-wife and review the rules she has in her home. Hoping that we could then apply those same rules to our home. My thoughts on this was that it would provided constituency for his son between the two of our homes and be a stepping stone to creating rules for our own home. This has yet to happen and after almost three years of marriage to a man I love more than anything I am left with no answers and a problem that continues to grow. My husband’s need to not be the bad guy has left me in a constant state of refereeing our two children when they are together. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Lynn – Thank you for sharing your situation. One of the challenges of any marriage is the coming together of two people from two different family backgrounds. Many marriages struggle with the two parents having different views on discipline in the home. Of course, it is an even bigger challenge when it is two families with previous children coming together and trying to work out these issues.
I agree with you that consistency is key. It is very difficult for children to keep having to adjust to different sets of expectations. I think it is important enough that you should keep talking to your husband about this in hopes of establishing some types of rules for the home.
Without knowing what the rules are in the ex-spouse’s home, I don’t know if that is a good place to start. But I would encourage you and your husband to start somewhere. Perhaps some of the rules from the list in this post could get you started.
I hope that helps. Does anybody else have any suggestions?
My husband and I are getting ready to add children to our home. We are going to be house parents for a girls home. We already have a 7 yr old daughter and 4 year old son. I home school them both and we are looking forward to this new journey. HOWEVER, I am fearful of losing what I currently have with our children as well as wanting to build relationships with the new girls that come into our home. The age of our children will range from 2-17. Any ideas or suggestions? This is a children’s ranch that is just getting started so we are going to be the first parents! I’m open to anything you have to share!
Christi – Wow! What a big change for you and your family. And a big responsibility. I have never been a house parent before, so I am not sure what boundaries need to be set in order to provide a healthy family atmosphere for your children as well as a loving and caring atmosphere for the girls at the ranch.
If you have not worked out these issues yet, I would recommend you talk immediately with someone who has already done this or is doing it. If you’re not sure who to talk to, I would recommend calling Sheridan House Ministries in South Florida. They have a residential program for young people with troubles, and they could advise you much better than I can. They may also have ideas of other ministries you could call for information.
God bless you and your husband for taking on this new ministry, and I pray God will guide and direct you through this time of learning and transition.
I think the Fowler “Family rules list” originated from a parenting book by Daniel G. Amen, MD
G.H. – Do you know the name of the book? I have been trying to track down the source for these rules for quite some time. Thanks!
I just ran a search on Daniel Amen at Amazon. He has a lot of books dealing with psychiatry, behavior and the brain. I found two parenting books, and judging from the comments, I believe the list must come from this book: New Skills for Frazzled Parents: The Instruction Manual That Should Have Come With Your Child. As soon as I find a page number, I will be sure to add the proper credit to the post. Thanks again, G.H., for pointing me in the right direction.
Woo-hoo! Playing around with Amazon’s online reader, I was able to find the page number. It is in chapter 10 on page 67. I will go ahead and add the information into the post. Thanks G.H.!
I am curious to hear suggestions to what the consquences for breaking these rules would be. We are foster parents and have two biological children. The state suggests NO TIME OUTS, I always agree in discussion to the childs level but I also think there should be more.
Christi – I think it’s best to start out with verbal corrections. Keep a positive atmosphere and make sure the child understands the rules. If they just slip up once in a while, verbal corrections should be all you need. If the child consistently breaks the rules, then you may need to move on to loss of a privilege. We have also used timeouts and spankings for continued misbehavior, but I understand those may not be allowed by the state with foster children. I hope that helps!
I have really enjoyed and picked up some great ideas from your web sight, thanks. My wife and I adopted 2 children (boys) from Ukrain about 8 years ago. it has been a struggle to say the least but we have learned alot in those years about how to handle different situations. right now i am trying something new. we are haveing problems with one of them stealing money from us. so we are setting up court. I have come up with a list of house laws and minimum and maximum consequences. if they are accused of breaking a law we will have court and they will have a chance to defend themselves. then the judge (my wife or I) will pass down the judgment. I am hoping this will give them a chance to see why what they did was wrong and that consequences are allways going to be associated with doing something wrong. we let them have 1 day to prepare for the trial (this gives them time to settle down and think about it ) we are trying to make this kind of fun for them as well as teaching them right from wrong in the process. the boys have a disorder called RAD, it is Reactive attachment disorder. basicly they didnt get the love and affection they needed as baby’s and didnt form an attachment to adults because of it. they dont trust we will give them what they need (Love, as well as material things) so we have to throw everything we knew or thought we knew about parenting out the window and start from scratch. the boys have come a long way, but i am sure we will always have some sort of situation to deal with. thats called being a parent.
Troy – Thanks for sharing about your situation, and thank you for the wonderful ministry of adoption in these two boys’ lives. Parenting is never easy, but the rewards are great. God bless!
my family such are bad family like to use bad word!something i get mad wif my mom and dad!they don understand the kid at all!my family is are bad family you KNOW!i hope you all can give some tip for my family!thank you!
Nadya – Nadya, I am sorry things are not well with your family right now. I will be praying for you.
i am mother deaf. my daughter almost 14 year old in april 9th. she is hearing and very good sign language. she have hard time with me bec she wont listen to me what i tell her what to do with clean up the kitchen, clean the cage,toilet, living room, and etc.. i need write the list rule for her help looking the board the rule. she refuse go church with me. what i can do for her name jessica. i am stress so much. i need your help. she is ADHD.
Sandra – Parenting teens is always a challenge. I always encourage parents to follow the three C’s:
1) Clear rules,
2) Appropriate consequences,
3) Consistent application.
Make sure your daughter understands your rules or expectations. Make sure she understands what the consequences will be if she does not do what you tell her. Then be consistent in following through every time. At the same time love her, pray for her, and encourage her. And be sure to affirm her when she does follow the rules.
Daniel G. Amen in his book Healing ADD The Breakthrough Program That Allows You to See and Heal the 6 Types of ADD has this list of family rules.
Continued… on Page 282-283
Thanks, Lisa.
I have a 5 yearold daughter- my husband of 1 week has a 3 year old daughter. I am seeing problems of favor. His daughter is very tiny and very cute- problem is she knows it. My daughter has been an only child only grandchild etc for 4 years. He seems to be much harder on my daughter than he is on his own. I try to treat both girls equally however I am starting to find myself favoring my daughter to balance things out. We both have the same weekends with the girls but mine lives with us full time- his is the every other weekend and once a week visitation. What can I do to help my new family blend easier?
Tasha – The most important thing right now is for you and your husband to communicate, communicate, communicate. You need to give each other the freedom to share your observations and feelings about the children with each other without getting defensive or into arguments. These are the early days of your new blended family, and so it is very important that you and your husband set healthy patterns of relating together that you both feel comfortable with. All the best!
I have 3 kids, ages 6,3, and 2 and they seem to listen to everyone else but me, but i am the one with them all the time. I cant seem to get through to them. I have tried just about every thing suggested by friends and family. I have taken things away, tried time out and even spanking but it never works. What am I doing wrong?
Heather – Kids at ages 6, 3 and 2 is a challenging time for any parent. The most common reason kids tune their parents out is that we get into the habit of repeating ourselves. Whenever we tell our kids to do something more than once, we are actually training them not to listen to us the first time. The trick is to get their attention first. “Joey, look at me.” Once you have their attention, tell them what you want them to do once. Now if they do not follow your directions, you know it is not distraction but disobedience.
The next step is consistent consequences. If your child responds to your direction, give them positive feedback. Tell them how much you appreciate their cooperation. But if they do not, you must apply a consequence every time. Otherwise you will be teaching them that it is okay not to follow Mom’s directions.
I hope that helps. Try it out and let me know how things go.