8 Great Family Rules to Help Any Home
June 12, 2007
|
Posted by Ray Fowler
Order the all New Kindle Fire here!
Every home should have its own set of family rules. Family rules simplify explanations, clarify expectations, and create a safe environment for your children and their friends. We have our list of family rules taped to the refrigerator. I copied this list down a long time ago from somewhere, and these rules have served our family well over the years.
FAMILY RULES LIST
1. Tell the truth.
2. Treat each other with respect.
- no yelling
- no hitting
- no kicking
- no name-calling
- no put-downs
3. No arguing with parents.
- We want and value your input and ideas, but arguing means you have made your points more than once.
4. Respect each other’s property.
- Ask permission to use something that doesn’t belong to you.
5. Do what Mom and Dad say the first time.
- without complaining or throwing a fit!
6. Ask permission before you go somewhere.
7. Put things away that you take out.
8. Look for ways to be kind and helpful to each other.
We have also made it clear to our children that the family rules follow them wherever they go. These are not just rules for them to follow at our house. They are family rules. Our children represent our family wherever they go, and we expect them to behave accordingly.
(Updated 12/26/2008: Thanks to commenter G.H. below, I have located the source for this list. It comes from the book New Skills for Frazzled Parents: The Instruction Manual That Should Have Come With Your Child, by Daniel G. Amen, p. 67.)
What do you think about having a list of family rules? Do you have a similar list in your home? How has having such a list been helpful to you (or not)?
Did you find this post helpful? Click to subscribe by email or feed reader so that you don’t miss any future posts.
Related post: To Spank or Not To Spank
Categories: Children, Family
|
Leave a reply
Here are some of ours: For husband and wife, talk about any expenditure over an agreed upon amount with the other. Honor your commitments in the order they were made. When explaining an argument with a sibling, explain what YOU did wrong,not what they did wrong. We had two kids, so one daughter got to “win” on the odd days of the month (the 1st, 3rd, 5th, etc.) and the other daughter got to “win” on the even days. “Whose day is it?” became a common phrase in our house and solved a multitude of dilemmas from who got to pray at mealtimes (they both wanted to) and who got to use the family car (big surprise here – they both wanted to) I’d love to hear other family rules, too!
I agree, Ray! Rules make it easier to know what is expected and to understand what is valued in the home.
It’s also very important, in the case for young children, to keep the number of rules to a minimum. 8 is a good number. Too many rules and no one can remember them all. Too many rules and no one is having any fun, either.
Our family rules are very similar to yours. My real struggle comes with enforcing the rules and being consistent.
In my family (kids aged 7, 5, and 3) we use three rules:
1. Obey quickly.
2. Always tell the truth.
3. Don’t hurt your siblings or anyone else on purpose.
It’s not perfect, but they were easy for the kids to remember when they were younger.
Sharon, Leslie and John,
Great comments – thanks!
Anyone else?
Our first child is just about to turn one (I can’t believe how fast it has gone), so we don’t have any rules as yet. These suggestions are really helpful in setting up own family rules…thanks.
Nath (Nathan?),
Congratulations on an important milestone. It’s been a long time since we have had a one-year-old in the house. Those are great days, and yes, it does go fast!
All the best,
Ray
My husband and I both had children before we were married and this is a constant struggle for us. Our children 10 and 4 have grown up very differently. My husband’s 10 year old has rules at his mother’s house that differ from the rules at our house. My four year old has been raised in a strict household where listening doing what he was told and manners have been the main focus. Separately they are terrific children both unique and special in their own ways yet when they are together our home turns into a free-for-all. They fight they scream they don’t listen the list is just never ending. What was a peaceful quiet environment becomes a battle zone. My husband’s reaction to this is just that they are kids and that they will grow out of it and that they themselves need to find a way to live together. Yet I can’t help to think that the upheaval that takes place when our children are together is unraveling 4 solid years of strict discipline for my 4 year old. My husband has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to impose rules on his 10 year old because he doesn’t feel that it is necessary since he is not often in our home. There has to be a place where we can meet in the middle. I have suggested on numerous occasions that my husband needs to sit down with his x-wife and review the rules she has in her home. Hoping that we could then apply those same rules to our home. My thoughts on this was that it would provided constituency for his son between the two of our homes and be a stepping stone to creating rules for our own home. This has yet to happen and after almost three years of marriage to a man I love more than anything I am left with no answers and a problem that continues to grow. My husband’s need to not be the bad guy has left me in a constant state of refereeing our two children when they are together. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Lynn – Thank you for sharing your situation. One of the challenges of any marriage is the coming together of two people from two different family backgrounds. Many marriages struggle with the two parents having different views on discipline in the home. Of course, it is an even bigger challenge when it is two families with previous children coming together and trying to work out these issues.
I agree with you that consistency is key. It is very difficult for children to keep having to adjust to different sets of expectations. I think it is important enough that you should keep talking to your husband about this in hopes of establishing some types of rules for the home.
Without knowing what the rules are in the ex-spouse’s home, I don’t know if that is a good place to start. But I would encourage you and your husband to start somewhere. Perhaps some of the rules from the list in this post could get you started.
I hope that helps. Does anybody else have any suggestions?
My husband and I are getting ready to add children to our home. We are going to be house parents for a girls home. We already have a 7 yr old daughter and 4 year old son. I home school them both and we are looking forward to this new journey. HOWEVER, I am fearful of losing what I currently have with our children as well as wanting to build relationships with the new girls that come into our home. The age of our children will range from 2-17. Any ideas or suggestions? This is a children’s ranch that is just getting started so we are going to be the first parents! I’m open to anything you have to share!
Christi – Wow! What a big change for you and your family. And a big responsibility. I have never been a house parent before, so I am not sure what boundaries need to be set in order to provide a healthy family atmosphere for your children as well as a loving and caring atmosphere for the girls at the ranch.
If you have not worked out these issues yet, I would recommend you talk immediately with someone who has already done this or is doing it. If you’re not sure who to talk to, I would recommend calling Sheridan House Ministries in South Florida. They have a residential program for young people with troubles, and they could advise you much better than I can. They may also have ideas of other ministries you could call for information.
God bless you and your husband for taking on this new ministry, and I pray God will guide and direct you through this time of learning and transition.
I think the Fowler “Family rules list” originated from a parenting book by Daniel G. Amen, MD
G.H. – Do you know the name of the book? I have been trying to track down the source for these rules for quite some time. Thanks!
I just ran a search on Daniel Amen at Amazon. He has a lot of books dealing with psychiatry, behavior and the brain. I found two parenting books, and judging from the comments, I believe the list must come from this book: New Skills for Frazzled Parents: The Instruction Manual That Should Have Come With Your Child. As soon as I find a page number, I will be sure to add the proper credit to the post. Thanks again, G.H., for pointing me in the right direction.
Woo-hoo! Playing around with Amazon’s online reader, I was able to find the page number. It is in chapter 10 on page 67. I will go ahead and add the information into the post. Thanks G.H.!
I am curious to hear suggestions to what the consquences for breaking these rules would be. We are foster parents and have two biological children. The state suggests NO TIME OUTS, I always agree in discussion to the childs level but I also think there should be more.
Christi – I think it’s best to start out with verbal corrections. Keep a positive atmosphere and make sure the child understands the rules. If they just slip up once in a while, verbal corrections should be all you need. If the child consistently breaks the rules, then you may need to move on to loss of a privilege. We have also used timeouts and spankings for continued misbehavior, but I understand those may not be allowed by the state with foster children. I hope that helps!
I have really enjoyed and picked up some great ideas from your web sight, thanks. My wife and I adopted 2 children (boys) from Ukrain about 8 years ago. it has been a struggle to say the least but we have learned alot in those years about how to handle different situations. right now i am trying something new. we are haveing problems with one of them stealing money from us. so we are setting up court. I have come up with a list of house laws and minimum and maximum consequences. if they are accused of breaking a law we will have court and they will have a chance to defend themselves. then the judge (my wife or I) will pass down the judgment. I am hoping this will give them a chance to see why what they did was wrong and that consequences are allways going to be associated with doing something wrong. we let them have 1 day to prepare for the trial (this gives them time to settle down and think about it ) we are trying to make this kind of fun for them as well as teaching them right from wrong in the process. the boys have a disorder called RAD, it is Reactive attachment disorder. basicly they didnt get the love and affection they needed as baby’s and didnt form an attachment to adults because of it. they dont trust we will give them what they need (Love, as well as material things) so we have to throw everything we knew or thought we knew about parenting out the window and start from scratch. the boys have come a long way, but i am sure we will always have some sort of situation to deal with. thats called being a parent.
Troy – Thanks for sharing about your situation, and thank you for the wonderful ministry of adoption in these two boys’ lives. Parenting is never easy, but the rewards are great. God bless!
my family such are bad family like to use bad word!something i get mad wif my mom and dad!they don understand the kid at all!my family is are bad family you KNOW!i hope you all can give some tip for my family!thank you!
Nadya – Nadya, I am sorry things are not well with your family right now. I will be praying for you.
i am mother deaf. my daughter almost 14 year old in april 9th. she is hearing and very good sign language. she have hard time with me bec she wont listen to me what i tell her what to do with clean up the kitchen, clean the cage,toilet, living room, and etc.. i need write the list rule for her help looking the board the rule. she refuse go church with me. what i can do for her name jessica. i am stress so much. i need your help. she is ADHD.
Sandra – Parenting teens is always a challenge. I always encourage parents to follow the three C’s:
1) Clear rules,
2) Appropriate consequences,
3) Consistent application.
Make sure your daughter understands your rules or expectations. Make sure she understands what the consequences will be if she does not do what you tell her. Then be consistent in following through every time. At the same time love her, pray for her, and encourage her. And be sure to affirm her when she does follow the rules.
Daniel G. Amen in his book Healing ADD The Breakthrough Program That Allows You to See and Heal the 6 Types of ADD has this list of family rules.
Continued… on Page 282-283
Thanks, Lisa.
I have a 5 yearold daughter- my husband of 1 week has a 3 year old daughter. I am seeing problems of favor. His daughter is very tiny and very cute- problem is she knows it. My daughter has been an only child only grandchild etc for 4 years. He seems to be much harder on my daughter than he is on his own. I try to treat both girls equally however I am starting to find myself favoring my daughter to balance things out. We both have the same weekends with the girls but mine lives with us full time- his is the every other weekend and once a week visitation. What can I do to help my new family blend easier?
Tasha – The most important thing right now is for you and your husband to communicate, communicate, communicate. You need to give each other the freedom to share your observations and feelings about the children with each other without getting defensive or into arguments. These are the early days of your new blended family, and so it is very important that you and your husband set healthy patterns of relating together that you both feel comfortable with. All the best!
I have 3 kids, ages 6,3, and 2 and they seem to listen to everyone else but me, but i am the one with them all the time. I cant seem to get through to them. I have tried just about every thing suggested by friends and family. I have taken things away, tried time out and even spanking but it never works. What am I doing wrong?
Heather – Kids at ages 6, 3 and 2 is a challenging time for any parent. The most common reason kids tune their parents out is that we get into the habit of repeating ourselves. Whenever we tell our kids to do something more than once, we are actually training them not to listen to us the first time. The trick is to get their attention first. “Joey, look at me.” Once you have their attention, tell them what you want them to do once. Now if they do not follow your directions, you know it is not distraction but disobedience.
The next step is consistent consequences. If your child responds to your direction, give them positive feedback. Tell them how much you appreciate their cooperation. But if they do not, you must apply a consequence every time. Otherwise you will be teaching them that it is okay not to follow Mom’s directions.
I hope that helps. Try it out and let me know how things go.
I need some advice on what rules to set my step son,I am a single parent and i have two biological children living at home, a couple of weeks ago my stepson asked if he could live with me as he was having problems at home, i agreed but it seems he is treating my home like a hotel, when he lived with his mom he had no real rules, he could go to bed when he liked, go to school if he felt like it and stay out till all hours. He is 14 years old and he knows that i enforce rules with my own children, but i dont want to seem like the wicked step mom, i really want to give him a stable, loving home but worry about what rules i need to give him, ive not delt with a teen before so this is all new, your advice would be greatly recieved.
Thank you
Lisa – Although kids think they want absolute freedom, deep down inside they need the security of appropriate boundaries. I would encourage you to set house rules for your stepson and then lovingly enforce them. It is important to be consistent from the beginning. He will resist at first, but he will respect you for it, and it will help him in the long term. All the best!
GREAT MATERIALS ON FAMILY RULE SETTTING.
A LOT OF DYSFUNCTIONALITY COMES FOR LACK OF RULE SETTINGS
DR THOMPSON AKWO NTUBA
I have a situation that I need some advice on. I have 3 children ages 6, 4, and almost 2. My 6yr old is severly disabled. My 4 yr old had been diagnosed with ADHD and Bipoler disorder. My 2 yr old has speech difficulties. My husband pays a ton of attention to our daughter (the 6yr old) however the only attention he generally shows the boys is negative. We have been married for nearly 7 yrs and I have been trying to get him on board with possitive reinforcement and spending quility time with his sons. However every time I try this. We end up fighting. Can anyone help me!?
Mindi – You have a very complex situation that cannot be resolved in a blog comment. Please talk to your pastor and get a referral to a good Christian family counselor who can help you and your husband navigate these difficult waters together.
Blessings in Christ,
Ray
Young men think old men fools , old men lnow young men are.
The bible is very clear in ephesians on the roles and relationships between parents and children, there is a lot going on today that boarders on the lack of knowledge in this area , hosea 6, 8 says my people perish for lack of knowledge .
FREEDOM GOES WITH RESPONSIBILITY, SO MUCH FREEDOM TODAY TODAY IN THE HYANDS OF THE IREESPONSIBLE OF YESTERDAY.
DR[REV] THOMPSON AKWO NTUBA
I believe rules are important. I love my daughter and 3 grandsons. Twins 8 and a 4 year old. She is divorced and has shared custody with the boys father. She is having a difficulty time with all three of them.
Not listening, fighting with each other, yelling at her, calling her names.
I live out of town and will be going there next week. Any suggestions I can bring with me to bring back harmony to this house.
Mary – I believe the simple rules from this post would help alot. I would encourage you to print them out and have your daughter put them on the refrigerator. Have her go over the rules with the kids, and then she must lovingly and consistently enforce them. All the best, and have a nice visit with your daughter and grandkids.
Im having trouble with raise three kids a six four soon to be five and two soon to be three year old there are two girls 6 and 4 one boy 2 none of them are my kids but im triyng so hard to be the good father they need but they just wont listen and it seem like all me and my girlfriend do is argue all the time because of it please any insite on this problem would be helpful. I dont want to lose or ruin this relatinship.
I am a 33 year old mother of 7 kids. 16 son, 15 daughter,14 son, 12 step son, 4 son, 3 son and 10 month old daughter. As you can i,agine, my hands are full. I went from owning my own very sucessful real estate business to being an at home mom. My attention is primarily on the younger 3 due to the high demand of toddlers and the baby. The older teenagers also need my attention, but I feel spread thin. They dont have much enteraction with their father, which hurts them, and not enough time with me. My 15 year old daughter is the one having the most problems. Shes very disrespectful. Questions me all the time. For instance, she is grounded for 2 weeks for back talking the assistant principal..yeah, pretty bad! Earlier tonight I noticed the home phone missing. I went and knocked on her door and told her to give it back to me, shes grounded and she knows shes not supposed to have it. She walked around her room ignoring me. After repeating myself with her, she said, “tell me why 1st, then I will give it to you. I finally got it but she rolled her eyes in disgust. I am fed up with her and dont know how to be effective with her. She doesnt take me seriously and has a severe entitlement issue. Please help!
Being that summer is here, my husband and I are petrified with the 4 teenagers being home. My husband works long hours, and with the small children, the way our home is layed out, having kids stay up late, going up and down the stairs while the little ones roon is at the botton by the stairs, we are wondering the best approach with the teens as far as maintaining school bed times throught the weekdays? No over nighters during the week? I want our kids to have fun, but also have to maintain some sort of structure in our home. Any advise would be greatly appreciated!! Thank you!
And one more thing.
Hello, I stumbled across your site by chance and I am very glad I did.
My husband and I have two boys ages 18 and 9 and the two of them don’t get along very well at all.
I know it’s typical for challenges but these two have even said they hate each other and it breaks my heart.
Are there any tips in raising two boys so far apart in age?
thanks in advance
~Nay
Thank you for posting these rules i was looking for something to help me set rules in my home, these are perfect!
I have a 9 yearold son with ADHA, ODD, and possibly bi-polar disorder. I have a 5 year old son, to be suspected of having ADHD, but I am not going to jump to that diagnosis because he is still young. I also have a 7 month old daughter. My boys fight alot, so I have recently put them in seperate bedrooms and things have gotten alot better. i am working closely with there school and teachers to keep them in line and so far so good. I have bookmarked this page and will be visiting more to see what else I can learn. thanks!
My wife and I have 3 basic rules and they are posted.
1. Be good to each other
2. Always tell the truth
3. Take responsibility for yourself
Really, time outs are not allowed by the state? Thats ridiculous! maybe theyd rather you raise these kids to be criminals! I mean seriously! I understand not spanking, but come on! Time outs are a great way to discipline, if used properly!
What are some reasonable consequences for my 9yr old daughter? My mind is blank except for grounding and taking away privileges, toys.