20 Minutes to Change Your Marriage

Who wouldn’t take twenty minutes to change his marriage for the better? Mike Seaver points out the 20 crucial minutes in a man’s day that can really bless his wife and improve his marriage. “If a man would think through these specific times and ask his wife what blessed her during these times, he would be setting a trajectory for a successful marriage. Here are the specific times.”

  • The first 5 minutes when you wake up in the morning
  • The last 5 minutes before you say goodbye for work
  • The first 5 minutes when you walk in the door from work
  • The last 5 minutes before you say good night

        –from a Davis Carman seminar

Let’s hear from the women on this one. What are some things we husbands could do during these twenty minutes that would be a blessing to you? Husbands, remember these are other wives’ ideas. You will need to ask your own wife what would be most helpful to her.


  1. Margaret says:

    OK, guess I’ll go first with this! Those twenty minutes, for us, usually involve a kiss and maybe a hug, and if one of us is going off in the car, the other stands and waves at the window. Just little gestures, but we are affirming our love and caring for each other.

    Here’s another one that only takes a moment, but means a lot, – thanking each other for simple things, such as doing vegetables, or preparing fruit salad, etc. etc. etc.

    We hold hands and pray together before meals, thanking Him for food and health, and remembering any people who need special prayer.

    Plenty more, but I’ll stop there. Hey, our marriage has lasted over 53 years and going strong. Litte things are very important, and I believe our faith in God is a huge part of our bonding together. Thank you, Lord.

  2. Ray Fowler says:

    Margaret – That’s so sweet! Thanks for sharing — anyone else?

  3. Sharon Gamble says:

    Things that bless me: During those little five minute time slots, I like it when I have my husband’s full attention – He is looking at me, listening to me, remembering to ask me about things that happened during the day, and totally engaged in the conversation. He is also great at speaking words of encouragement to me, telling me how special I am to him and how much he values our relationship. He says I love you many times each day and thanks me for things I do for him. He tells me he is blessed and he can’t imagine a better wife. No wonder I like him! (and love him, too, of course.)

  4. Deb says:

    Because you should also have a not-your-typical-woman response…

    “The 5 minutes when you walk in the door after work” — SILENCE and SPACE.

    Of course, since John works from home, my perspective is one of *me* walking in the door and him already home. One of the surest ways to set me off is to jump on me with all kinds of details, questions, comments, etc. when I first get home.

    The same would apply to “the first 5 minutes when you wake up in the morning”. Marriage goes much more smoothly if I am just left entirely alone at those times.

  5. Deb says:

    Upon further reflection, the “silence & space” rule also applies to the 5 minutes before I fall asleep.

    But I’m not a total bear. I like my hug goodbye before I leave for work.

  6. Ray Fowler says:

    Deb – Thanks for the reminder to us husbands that we need to ask our own wives what will most bless them (and not assume that we already know!).

  7. Sharon Gamble says:

    Deb – I LOVE variety!! Here I am, wanting to chat and loving the talking and there you are saying…just some quiet, please. 🙂 Not right or wrong…just delightfully different! I guess it makes us truly discover what makes our spouse tick. It is definitely not “one size fits all”.

  8. Bethany says:

    We wives can also ask our husbands but I think we need to choose a different set of 20 minute time slots. We tried this and the result is, one of us needs quiet and space and the other one needs a hug/kiss and an “I love you”. Alternate days perhaps?

  9. Deb says:

    Bethany, this definitely cuts both ways. And John and I often find ourselves in the same position as you and Stephen (but with John as “you” and me as “Stephen”). How each couple manages this difference in needs will be unique, and hopefully fair to both.

    I think THAT is where the success in marriage happens. Not just the willingness to ask and listen to what is important to the other person, but to also be up-front about what is important to you (not just brooding because your spouse isn’t a mind-reader).

    Then comes the effort to be as honest and fair as possible in addressing the important points of BOTH people. Accepting that neither will have his/her needs met 100% of the time, but giving the other the benefit of the doubt that he/she is doing his/her best… and of course, doing your best as well.

Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. 10 Ways To Do Your Husband Good at Ray Fowler .org

Leave a Reply