Living Together Before Marriage Series:
    ● Statistics on Living Together Before Marriage
    ● Scriptures on Living Together Before Marriage
    ● Living Together Without Sex
    ● What If We Already Lived Together Before Marriage?

“The honeymoon was over before the wedding day ever arrived.” (See the testimony below.) Last month I posted some statistics on living together before marriage. Since then I have received a number of inquiries as to what the Bible says about living together. So in this post I would like to share some of the Biblical teaching about living together before marriage.

The statistics in last month’s post showed a high correlation between living together and undesirable outcomes. This should not be surprising, because the Bible has some strong things to say about living together. God is a loving God, and he gives us his commands for our protection. Those who choose not to live together before marriage will likely avoid many of the negative outcomes described in the earlier post. Here are some Scriptures on living together before marriage:

• Proverbs 14:12 – “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”  This Scripture stands against the arguments, “Everyone is doing it. It’s the new way. It’s accepted in society.” That may all be true, but just because a path seems right doesn’t make it so.
• Ecclesiastes 3:1,5 – “There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven … a time to embrace and a time to refrain.”  As the following Scriptures indicate, the right time for living together is after marriage — not the year before, not the month before, not the night before. There is a time to embrace, and a time to refrain.
• 1 Corinthians 6:18 – “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.”  Living together almost always involves premarital sex. By living together before marriage, you dishonor both yourself and your partner.
• 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 – “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”  This isn’t the place to get into why Paul recommends singleness over marriage in this particular passage. However, it is important to note that the Bible encourages a couple that is struggling with sexual temptation to marry rather than burn with passion. Of course, this assumes a couple that is ready for marriage. I recommend that all couples get good premarital counseling from a pastor or Christian counselor before getting married.
• Galatians 6:7-8 – “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”  Although the original word in the Greek means “to sneer or to scorn,” the English word “mock” is instructive when it comes to living together. “To mock” means “to imitate, to pretend in order to deceive.” You can’t do that to God without consequences, and you can’t do that with marriage. Living together is literally a mockery or imitation of marriage in that it does not require a public commitment or lifetime vow of faithfulness.
• 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6 – “It is God’s will that you should … avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.”  To “wrong” someone in this verse means “to exceed the proper limits.” To “take advantage” means “to defraud, or to take more than you’re entitled to.” It is the picture of someone who takes more than they should while selfishly disregarding the best interests of others. When we live together, we exceed the limits God has set for us. We take more than we’re entitled to.
• Hebrews 13:4 – “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”  The marriage bed can only be kept pure when the sexual relationship is kept within marriage. Anything else brings God’s judgment. Do you love your partner? Then why would you invite God’s judgment into their life? Why would you willfully rob them of God’s blessing?

You will notice from these Bible verses that I am assuming couples who live together are also sexually involved. And I think in most cases that’s a pretty fair assumption. I will address the (much rarer) situation of couples who live together but are not sexually active in a later post. But let me end this post by sharing the testimony of a young woman that I think effectively sums up some of the major problems of living together before marriage.

I wish I could tell every young adult in America that you truly will reap what you sow. Living together may seem wonderful initially … but eventually it creates more problems than you can imagine. I lived with my boyfriend for two years before we got married. I knew I was breaking my parents’ hearts, as well as my Heavenly Father’s heart! My boyfriend was not a Christian, but I figured I could change him if we moved in together.

The “this-is-yours, that-is-mine” mentality that enabled us to “successfully” live together completely unraveled once we got married. We had become too separate and selfish, making it nearly impossible to become “one flesh.”  The honeymoon was over before the wedding day ever arrived.  (Excerpt from letter printed in “Family Feedback,” Focus on the Family, May 1994, p.23)

Do you have any thoughts or response to all this? Feel free to share them in the comments.

Check out the other posts in the Living Together Before Marriage series:
    ● Statistics on Living Together Before Marriage
    ● Scriptures on Living Together Before Marriage
    ● Living Together Without Sex
    ● What If We Already Lived Together Before Marriage?
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Living Together Before Marriage Series:
    ● Statistics on Living Together Before Marriage
    ● Scriptures on Living Together Before Marriage
    ● Living Together Without Sex
    ● What If We Already Lived Together Before Marriage?

Here are some statistics on living together before marriage from Michael McManus, author of the book Marriage Savers. Statistically speaking, living together is not a trial of marriage, but rather a training for divorce.

• The number of unmarried couples living together soared 12-fold from 430,000 in 1960 to 5.4 million in 2005.
• More than eight out of ten couples who live together will break up either before the wedding or afterwards in divorce.
• About 45 percent of those who begin cohabiting, do not marry. Another 5-10 percent continue living together and do not marry.
• Couples who do marry after living together are 50% more likely to divorce than those who did not.
• Only 12 percent of couples who have begun their relationship with cohabitation end up with a marriage lasting 10 years or more.
• A Penn State study reports that even a month’s cohabitation decreases the quality of the couple’s relationship.

Here are some more statistics relating to the children of cohabiting parents.

• Children of cohabiting parents are ten times more likely to be sexually abused by a stepparent than by a parent.
• Children of cohabiting parents are three times as likely to be expelled from school or to get pregnant as teenagers than children from an intact home with married parents.
• Children of cohabiting parents are five times more apt to live in poverty, and 22 times more likely to incarcerated.

Check out the other posts in the Living Together Before Marriage series:
    ● Statistics on Living Together Before Marriage
    ● Scriptures on Living Together Before Marriage
    ● Living Together Without Sex
    ● What If We Already Lived Together Before Marriage?
____________________________________________________________

Did you find this post helpful? Click to subscribe by email or feed reader so that you don’t miss any future posts.

Justin Taylor shares about Martin Luther and his marriage in the article: Love and Marriage: Luther Style. Read about Luther’s earlier bachelor life and how he helped his future wife, Katie, escape from a convent in a fish barrel. Find out 20-year-old Katie’s response when Luther tried to set her up with a 60-year-old teacher. Learn about the shortest engagement on record: proposed to and married on the same day! (June 13, 1523) Consider the following four lessons Justin shares drawn from the Luthers’ legacy of love and marriage:

1. Martin and Katie didn’t put their hope in marriage; they put their hope in God.
2. Martin and Katie didn’t marry each other because they were infatuated with each other; instead they grew to love each other because they were married.
3. Martin and Katie viewed marriage as a school for growing in godliness.
4. Martin and Katie enjoyed the God-given gifts of life and marriage unto the glory of God.

It’s a fun article. Be sure to read the whole thing.

Tim Challies blogged today about Albert Einstein’s wedding contract. See what you think of this:

Albert Einstein’s Wedding (Marriage) Contract:

A. You will make sure

1. that my clothes and laundry are kept in good order;
2. that I will receive my three meals regularly in my room;
3. that my bedroom and study are kept neat, and especially that my desk is left for my use only.

B. You will renounce all personal relations with me insofar as they are not completely necessary for social reasons. Specifically, you will forego

1. my sitting at home with you;
2. my going out or traveling with you.

C. You will obey the following points in your relations with me:

1. you will not expect any intimacy from me, nor will you reproach me in any way;
2. you will stop talking to me if I request it;
3. you will leave my bedroom or study immediately without protest if I request it.

D. You will undertake not to belittle me in front of our children, either through words or behavior.

Wow! Other than the final point, that’s a pretty brutal contract. What’s even more amazing is that his wife accepted it! Be sure to read Tim’s article for more background on Einstein and the contract as well as some good, theological reflection on it all.

I found this poem earlier today at the WorldMag Blog. Very touching.

“THEY SIT TOGETHER ON THE PORCH” – by Wendell Berry

They sit together on the porch, the dark
Almost fallen, the house behind them dark.
Their supper done with, they have washed and dried
The dishes–only two plates now, two glasses,
Two knives, two forks, two spoons–small work for two.
She sits with her hands folded in her lap,
At rest. He smokes his pipe. They do not speak,
And when they speak at last it is to say
What each one knows the other knows. They have
One mind between them, now, that finally
For all its knowing will not exactly know
Which one goes first through the dark doorway, bidding
Goodnight, and which sits on a while alone.

Click here for poems by Ray Fowler.

Here is a graph showing the chances of a man winning an argument while dating, during engagement, and then after marriage.

I don’t know. I tried to convince my wife that this is true, but she said, “No way!” so I guess she must be right.

HT: Bradley Wright

There is too much information on the Grahams flying around the web right now to post it all, but I really liked these two quotes that Matt McCarnan posted over at PastorBlog.

I have been asked the question, ‘Who do you go to for counsel, for spiritual guidance?’ My answer: my wife, Ruth. She is a great student of the Bible. Her life is ruled by the Bible more than any person I’ve ever known. That’s her rule book, her compass. Her disposition is the same all the time–very sweet and very gracious and charming. When it comes to spiritual things, my wife has had the greatest influence on my ministry.
—Billy Graham

I saw a sign on a strip of highway once that I would like to have copied on my gravestone. It said, “End of construction. Thank you for your patience.”
—Ruth Bell Graham (from “A Hearing Heart,” InDecision Magazine, January 1970, ©1969, Billy Graham Evangelistic Association)

Related articles:

• Billy Graham – The Song
• Ruth Bell Graham – Poems
• Ruth Graham Passes Away
• Billy Graham Museum Opens in Charlotte, NC
• The Day I Met Billy Graham

This just in from The Christian Post on the defeat of the proposed marriage amendment in Massachusetts.

Massachusetts lawmakers blocked a proposed constitutional amendment Thursday that would have let voters decide whether to ban gay ”marriage” in the only state that allows it.

The proposal, which sought to change the state’s Constitution to ban same-sex marriage, needed 50 votes to advance to the 2008 statewide ballot. It got 45, with 151 lawmakers opposed.

The narrow vote was a blow to efforts to reverse the historic court ruling that legalized same-sex marriage in the state. More than 8,500 gay couples have ”married” there since it became legal in May 2004 …

The measure needed 50 votes in two consecutive legislative sessions to advance to the ballot, and it had passed with 62 votes at the end of the last session in January.

I live in Massachusetts, and this is a big disappointment to the many people in the state who feel they should have the right to vote on an issue of this magnitude. The Massachusetts Family Institute collected a record-breaking 170,000 signatures in support of the amendment, nearly three times the required signatures needed for certification by the Secretary of State and the greatest number ever in Massachusetts history.

In November 2003, it took only four Massachusetts judges to make gay marriage legal in the state (by a 4-3 vote). Now in June 2007 the proposed amendment misses the ballot by five legislative votes. Meanwhile, the entire voting populace of Massachusetts is left out of the decision making process, including the 170,000 who signed the petition. I feel the legislature has really let the people down on this one.

Here is an interesting take on marriage and singleness from John Piper:

I don’t know which holds out more joys and more hardships. There is no way to know ahead of time, it seems to me. We Christians don’t make our choices that way anyway. This would be clear if all singles not only heard the wedding vows, “For better or for worse,” but also heard the same words written over singleness: “For better or for worse.” Marriage may prove to be gloriously happy, or painfully disappointing. Singleness may prove to be gloriously satisfying or painfully disappointing. Only God knows which it will be for you.

I remember a “Mad About You” TV episode where the wife, Jaime, is particularly frustrated with her husband, Paul. She calls up her friend on the phone and asks her: “Fran, remind me again why I hate to be single.”

I would say marriage and singleness both present a combination of joys and sorrows in life. (See the article Riding the Rails of Life in Marriage earlier in this blog.) We often think of the marriage vows in terms of “for better or for worse.” I like Piper’s extension of that to serving God in the state of singleness as well.

This is a must-read post from Joe Carter on the subject of visiting fathers. Dads, if you are thinking of leaving your family or even in the midst of divorce proceedings, you need to stop and read this article. Thank you, Joe, for sharing honestly from your experience and from your heart.

Here is a clip from the post, but I encourage you to visit Joe’s site and read the whole thing.

Over the past twelve years I’ve learned being a part-time dad is not enough. Our children always need more.

That is why I want to address a specific, narrow audience with the rest of this post. I want to address those fathers who are on the verge of leaving their families.

I want to start with a basic premise: When your first child is born, your life stops being about what you want and starts being about what they need. If you disagree, then you can stop reading now. The rest of what I say will only make sense to those who understand that this is the foundation of fatherhood . . . [Your children] need you at home. If you’re a man and aspire to being a dad, that is all you need to know . . .

I couldn’t ask for a more thoughtful, accommodating woman to be my former spouse. But as hard as we work to make it easier on our daughter, everything we can do is not enough. At the end of the day, my child lives in a house where one of her parents is missing. Divorce doesn’t just end a marriage, it ends a family.

We tend to think of life as having its peaks and valleys. But Marshall Shelley proposes a different view in this article from Marriage Partnership. Shelley writes:

Many of us, in marriage, long for mountaintop moments. Those times of shared success, satisfaction, and celebration. Times when the nail-biting drive of daily life is behind us for a while and forgotten, and all we can think about is the happiness of the moment . . .

It’s tempting to think of married life as a continual climb, looking for the next mountaintop. We may tell ourselves that most of life is lived in the valleys, but we hope we’re on the road to another mountaintop experience . . .

But what if peaks and valleys aren’t the best way to describe your married life? What if God didn’t intend us just to endure down times so we could enjoy an occasional up?

So if life is not just a series of peaks and valleys, what is a better way to describe life and marriage? Shelley shares the following about Rick Warren, pastor at Saddleback Church and author of The Purpose Driven Life.

In a single year, his book reached the top of the best-seller lists and his wife was diagnosed with cancer. A mountaintop? A deep valley? Or something else?

“This past year has been the greatest year of my life,” wrote Rick, “but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys—you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth.

“I don’t believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it’s kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life . . .

“No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.”

How about you? Are you looking for that next mountaintop in life, or are you learning to ride the twin rails of joy and adversity?

Perhaps Solomon said it best in the Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes: “Do not say, ‘Why were the old days better than these?’ For it is not wise to ask such questions.” (Ecclesiastes 7:10)

For years now my wife, Rose, and I have gone to Cracker Barrel on Friday mornings for breakfast together. This is a tradition that we started back in Florida and have continued since our move to Massachusetts two years ago. We call it our Friday morning Cracker Barrel time. We have had to move it around to different days of the week this past year because Rose has been teaching a class on Friday mornings, but whatever day of the week we go, it is still Friday morning Cracker Barrel to us.

Rose’s class did not meet today, so we actually got to do Friday morning Cracker Barrel on a Friday. It was nice. This is our special time just for us. When we first started doing this we even made a rule, no talking about the kids, but we soon found that this was a good time just to talk about all of life. So we talk about the week, the kids, memories and dreams, whatever comes up. Mostly we just talk.

I love Friday morning Cracker Barrel. Over the years Rose and I have built up a rich storehouse of memories from our Friday morning breakfasts together. We have laughed, we have shared, we have sorted out many problems along the way, and hopefully pre-empted many others. It is one of my favorite times of the whole week.

Oh yes, and the food is good too. Rose gets her cup of coffee, and I get my cup of hot tea. I usually order Uncle Herschel’s breakfast or the Sunrise Sampler, but I was extra hungry today and went for the Country Boy – three eggs over medium, fried apples, hash brown casserole, two English muffins with blackberry jam, and a big old slab of steak cooked medium-well. Hmmmm-mmmm, now that’s breakfast! (I know, now I need to buy some carbon offsets for my meat – see Climate change or diet change? in News and Notes 3/8/2007.)