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Yesterday’s post, A Visit to the Dentist, reminded me of a hilarious story C.J. Mahaney told at the 1999 Desiring God Pastors Conference about going to the dentist. C.J. is always funny, but he was in rare form here. Here is the clip:
I don’t usually begin my sermons with a joke, but last Sunday I did. Here it is in case you missed it.
There were two brothers, ages 8 and 10, who were getting into a lot of trouble. Their mother brought them to see the pastor to see if he could help straighten them out. The pastor talked with the younger brother first. He looked at the young boy and asked him, “Where is God?” The boy’s eyes opened wide, but he didn’t answer, so the pastor asked again, more forcefully this time, “Young man, where is God?” The boy began to squirm in his seat, so the pastor asked yet another time in a very loud voice, “Young man, answer me, where is God?” At that, the boy leaped out of his seat and ran out the door right past his brother who was waiting to go in next. The older brother chased him down and asked him, “What’s the matter?” To which the younger brother replied, “We’re in big trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!”
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Sponges grow in the ocean. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier … I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go by.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning. (Takes a drink from a glass of water.) I like to live on the edge.
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
Can you imagine what it might be like if the American Idol judges weighed in after your pastor’s next sermon?
Randy: Look, dude, check it out. Ya know, that really worked for me, man. That sermon was outstanding. It was da bomb!
Paula: I’m so proud of you because you’re really being yourself with us. Plus, you look great today. I just love you and can’t say anything bad about you because I never say anything bad about anybody, except Simon.
Simon: I’ve got to be honest with you, pastor. I came to hear the word of God today. But what I got was more like the baby talk of demons. You just didn’t do your homework this week. Frankly, your sermon was a nightmare! If I were you, I’d pack my bags.
I don’t think I want Simon on my board of deacons. Have you ever played “judge the preacher” during Sunday lunch after church? (Be honest now!)
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