1. I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
2. I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
3. Sponges grow in the ocean. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
4. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
5. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
6. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier … I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
7. I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go by.
8. When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
9. They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning. (Takes a drink from a glass of water.) I like to live on the edge.
10. I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

Other Posts in the Series:

• Ten Steven Wright Jokes (1)
• Ten Steven Wright Jokes (2)
• Ten Steven Wright Jokes (3)
• Ten Steven Wright Jokes (4)
• Ten Steven Wright Jokes (5)

“Only God can make a tree.”  (Alfred Joyce Kilmer)

That’s probably because it’s so hard to get the bark on. 

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Here’s the complete text of the poem:

“TREES” – by Alfred Joyce Kilmer (1886–1918)

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth’s sweet flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

Click here for more Poems.
Click here for more Random Thoughts.

C.J. Mahaney has an interesting set of posts especially for fathers on leadership and family vacations. (Here are the links:  Part 1;  Part 2;  Part 3)

Family vacations provide a unique opportunity each year for fathers to create memories their children will never forget. Memories that will last a lifetime. Memories that will be recreated by your children with your grandchildren. Memories that will outlive a father. But in order to create these memories, a father must be diligent to serve and lead during a vacation. How a father views his role on a vacation will make all the difference in the vacation.

C.J. shares the following seven lessons he has learned as a father relating to family vacations:

1. A Servant Heart:  The father must enter family vacations committed to serve, lead, plan, initiate, and work, and do all this with joy. This isn’t your time to rest. Only your wife deserves to rest on vacation (because no one works harder than she does the rest of the year).
2. A Tone-Setting Attitude:  The attitude of the father transcends the vacation location each and every time. And on vacation your children are carefully studying and monitoring your attitude. The father’s attitude is the tone setter, and a father who lacks joy and gratefulness will infect the entire vacation.
3. An Awareness of Indwelling Sin:  Though you are going on vacation, you would be wise to remember that sin never does … A wise husband begins by anticipating how and where he will be tempted by sin on vacation. Ponder in advance your existing sin patterns and potential temptations on this vacation.
4. Studying Your Family:  My idea of a great vacation is nonstop activity … But I’ve learned that this approach to life and vacations is not shared by my wife and daughters … How can you most effectively serve your family on vacation? … Find out what they would like to do and if possible make it happen, even if it involves just resting and relaxing.
5. Skillful Surprises:  The most important effect of surprising our family is not the surprise itself but the communication of our deep affection for them through the surprise. Long after the surprise has taken place or the gift has outlived its usefulness, the expression of affection and the memory of the moment remains. Think carefully and plan purposefully whom you can surprise.
6. Intentionally Together:  What a family does together is much more important than where a family goes together. It’s possible to invest some serious coin in a family vacation and not experience the deepening of relationships as a family … Remember, it’s a FAMILY vacation, intended to build the family together and deepen the relationships between family members.
7. Gratefulness to God:  Vacations are a gift from God. I want my family to perceive God’s kindness and generosity each day, and I want them to express their gratefulness to God each day.

I have great memories of family vacations as a kid, and I know my Mom and Dad both worked hard to make it happen. How about you? Are family vacations an important part of your family traditions? What do you think about C.J.’s seven lessons?

GRADUATION EDITION.

In a class by himself. Jeff Greenwood was the only student to graduate from Opheim High School this year. That’s because he was the only student in his senior class. His last remaining classmate moved away during his freshman year. “The student-to-teacher ratio is pretty good,” said Greenwood, who is the student body president and, of course, the senior class president.

Perfect attendance pays off. At least it did for high school graduate Andria Baker who never missed a day from kindergarten through high school. Her father promised her a car if she could keep it up all the way through graduation. On Sunday he presented her with the keys to a new, $17,000 Pontiac G6, complete with a “0 DAYS” personalized license plate.

Twice as smart. Twins Michelle and Erica Wheeler are graduating from high school as co-valedictorians — the only ones in their class with perfect grade point averages. Both took advance placement classes, including English, science and calculus, “the toughest courses we offer at the high school,” school counselor Norma Gonzalez said. Both plan to enroll at Washington State University, study pharmacy and live in the same dormitory.

Some fans of Susan in the Narnia series were disappointed to learn that Susan will not be back for the next Narnia movie. So, will Susan ever return to Narnia? Yes and no. At the end of Prince Caspian Peter and Susan are both told they will not come back to Narnia because they are getting too old. Lucy and Edmund are told the same thing at the end of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Peter, Edmund and Lucy later show up in New Narnia at the end of The Last Battle, but Susan does not because she is “no longer a friend of Narnia.”

However, all four children do appear in one of the other books of the Narnia Chronicles — The Horse and His Boy. Although The Horse and His Boy was written much later in the series, chronologically the events of the book take place towards the end of the first book, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. This is when the children are all still in Narnia for the first time and have grown up as Kings and Queens.

Assuming they keep making the Narnia movies, The Horse and His Boy will be the fifth in the series. And even if they don’t, you can always read the book. So, cheer up Susan fans! There is still more Susan in Narnia yet to come!

Related post: Narnia Poll: Read the books in which order?
Click here for more Narnia related posts.

Update:  Here is a detailed account of the service by Jim Houser.

Here is a news video clip from the funeral service for Steven Curtis Chapman’s daughter, Maria, who was killed in an accident last week. Please continue to keep the Chapman family in prayer.

(Video length: 1:59)

HT: Monday Morning Insight

See related posts:

• Steven Curtis Chapman on Good Morning America
• Steven Curtis Chapman’s Daughter Killed

One of our all-time favorite television shows is the Andy Griffith show. Just the other day we were wondering who did the whistling for the theme song at the beginning of the show. That would be Earl Hagen, who passed away earlier this week. Hagen composed original music for more than 3,000 episodes, pilots and TV movies, including the theme songs for “The Andy Griffith Show,” “I Spy,” “The Mod Squad” “That Girl,” “The Dick Van Dyke Show” and “Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.” The Andy Griffith song also had lyrics called “The Fishing Hole,” written by actor Everett Sloane (who played Mr. Bernstein in Citizen Kane).

Click to play “whistling” theme song.

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Click to hear Andy Griffith sing “The Fishing Hole.”

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“The Fishing Hole”
Music by Earle Hagen & Herbert W. Spencer
Words by Everett Sloane

Well, now, take down your fishin’ pole
And meet me at The Fishin’ Hole,
We may not get a bite all day,
But don’t you rush away.

What a great place to rest your bones
And mighty fine for skippin’ stones,
You’ll feel fresh as a lemonade,
A-settin’ in the shade.

Whether it’s hot, whether it’s cool,
Oh what a spot for whistlin’ like a fool.

What a fine day to take a stroll
And wander by The Fishin’ Hole,
I can’t think of a better way
To pass the time o’ day.

We’ll have no need to call the roll
When we get to The Fishin’ Hole,
There’ll be you, me, and Old Dog Trey,
To doodle time away.

If we don’t hook a perch or bass,
We’ll cool our toes in dewy grass,
Or else pull up a weed to chaw,
And maybe set and jaw.

Hangin’ around, takin’ our ease,
Watchin’ that hound a-scratchin’ at his fleas.

Come on, take down your fishin’ pole
And meet me at The Fishin’ Hole,
I can’t think of a better way
To pass the time o’ day.

HT: Don Surber

The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”

“How come he doesn’t do it?” she asked.

I got this question by email the other day:

Hi Ray! Can you help settle a discussion issue for S. and me? Is there any research on how long the average sermon is? Or “should” be? Thanks! We love to pester our pastor friends with random questions.

Here was my answer:
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Great questions! The first question is the easier one. Average sermon length seems to be about 30 minutes for Protestant churches in the United States. How long “should” a sermon be? Probably depends on whether you’re asking the preacher or the people listening! I usually preach somewhere between 25-35 minutes on a Sunday. At the nursing home I preach for about ten minutes. A lot depends on the congregation and the particular situation.

The main consideration should be effectiveness rather than length. In other words, what length sermon will be most effective in communicating this portion of God’s Word to these people at this time? Here are a couple links with some more information:

Ellison Research:  Facts & Trends

Although much has changed in worship just in the last five years, one thing that has not changed is the length of the sermon. The average pastor preaches for nearly 31 minutes today – about the same as five years ago. Pastors in the study preached for anywhere from eight minutes each week to almost two hours. Pentecostals tended to have the longest sermons, averaging just under 40 minutes. Of the major denominational groups, Lutherans (20 minutes) and Methodists (just under 22 minutes) had the shortest sermons, on average.

Internet Monk: What’s Wrong With The Sermon? It’s Too Long

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How long does your pastor preach? How long do you think pastors should preach?

Click here for more Preaching related posts.

Here is a great video showing the relative sizes of things in the universe, first zooming out by powers of ten beyond the borders of our galaxy, and then zooming in by powers of ten right down to the quantum level. This short film was produced in the 1970′s by Charles and Ray Eames for IBM.

Video length: (9:02)

Related posts:

• The Size of the Earth Compared to Other Objects in Space
• Relative Size and Distances of Planets in the Solar System
• Our Place in God’s Creation (Psalm 8:1-8)

Yesterday’s message in the Life of Samuel series was called A Study in Contrasts, taken from 1 Samuel 2:11-26. The main idea of the message was that God blesses the righteous and judges the wicked. Here is a brief outline of the message:

I. Faithful vs. unfaithful service (11-17)
    A. Samuel ministers before the Lord (11)
    B. Eli’s sons show contempt for the Lord’s offering (12-17)

II. Purity vs. immorality (18-24)
    A. Samuel and his family demonstrate purity and righteousness (18-21)
    B. Eli’s sons practice sexual immorality (22-24)

III. Judgment vs. favor (25-26)
    A. Eli’s sons receive God’s judgment (25)
    B. Samuel receives God’s favor (26)

Note: Click on the Sermons tab at the top of the blog for this and other messages.

Use the Antipodes Map to the find the other side of the world from any point on the globe. “In geography, the antipodes of any place on Earth is its antipodal point; that is, the region on the Earth’s surface which is diametrically opposite to it. Two points which are antipodal to one another are connected by a straight line through the centre of the Earth.”

The Christian Post reports on African witches coming to Christ through the Jesus film. “In a central African nation with a dark history of witchcraft, the Gospel message is breaking through and touching the hearts and lives of villagers, including witches. Screenings of the ‘Jesus’ film in the Central African Republic has led to tens of thousands of commitments for Christ, dozens of churches planted, and witches being freed from dark forces, according to The Jesus Film Project.”

Ray Ortlund shares a thought-provoking insight from the familiar Bible verse, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in …” (Revelation 3:20) “The church at Laodicea had to be told that Jesus was no longer inside. By now he was outside, standing at their door, knocking, asking to be welcomed back in. I wonder when he left them. I wonder why they didn’t notice. I wonder how they responded when they heard this knock on their door. I hope they ran to the door and threw it wide open.”

Craig Blomberg writes on the Shroud of Turin — again! “The case for the resurrection scarcely depends on the Turin Shroud (or any other ancient artifact) being proven to be the burial cloth of Jesus. But if a reasonable case could some day be made for such a conclusion, it would be dramatic corroboration of the biblical accounts of the crucifixion, complete with the nail marks in wrists and ankles (not palms and feet as typical in medieval artwork) and a puncture wound in the side the size and shape of an average Roman sword thrust.”

Roger Nicole writes about the apologetics of C. S. Lewis. “C.S. Lewis was very well prepared for this task because until late in his twenties he was a devotee of atheism without any reference to Jesus Christ and was twenty-nine years old before being converted and embracing a Christian world-and-life view. Thus, he was more knowledgeable than many Christian apologists who know the views that they dispute only from the outside. He also experienced personally the gravity of the problems that the atheist has to face and the way in which such problems may force a person of integrity to look beyond atheism for a suitable philosophical and religious outlook.”

Al Mohler challenges us to pay attention in a digital world. “Refuse the seductions of the mind-numbing allure of all things digital — at least long enough to think a great thought, hear a great lecture, enjoy a quality conversation (with a real, live face-to-face human being), listen to a great sermon, visit a museum, read a good book, or take in a beautiful sunset. People who cannot maintain mental attention cannot know the intimacy of prayer, and God does not maintain a Facebook page. Our ability to focus attention is not just about the mind, for it is also a reflection of the soul. Our Christian discipleship demands that we give attention to our attention.”

R. C. Sproul reviews former atheist Anthony Flew’s book, There is a God: How the World’s Most Notorious Atheist Changed His Mind. “As a result of his reexamination of the evidence, Antony Flew has come to the conclusion that the universe was created by a self-existent, immutable, immaterial, omnipotent, and omniscient being. He states that he is not yet come full circle to affirming doctrines found in biblical revelation. He has thus far restricted his findings to natural theology. He indicates that he is open to more consideration of biblical revelation … Flew ends the body of the work itself with this statement: Someday I may hear a Voice, that says, ‘Can you hear me now?’”